Tuesday, September 1, 2015

We Have A New Champion Of Penis

Baby's got dust on his diamond! 52 year old Roberto Esquivel Cabrera of Mexico is now in the World Record Academy for having the world's biggest penis. Just how big is it? 18.9 inches. That is almost as tall as four damned soda cans! This shit is scary! That's like taking my penis and adding 18.8 inches. 

Guinness are a bunch of no funners so they don't have a category for this type of thing, but its undeniable so someone had to give the poor bastard something. I mean poor in a literal sense because dude can't get any work because of the hog between his legs. He can't even get no love from the ladies because they are afraid but I'm not sure you'd really want a woman that could take that much man meat.

“Look where it is, it goes far below the knees. I cannot do anything, I cannot work, and I am disabled so I want authorities to declare me as a disabled person and give me support” he said in between deep breaths since so much oxygen is needed just to supply blood to his dick. I totally made that last part up but it could be true. He says he has no friends and people don't want to talk to him. What a bunch of assholes. Its not like he's that dude that had the 200 pound ball sack. He probably walks funny but its not like he is just tripping people with his shit.

Since being deported from the U.S based purely off of jealousy Roberto has been living off of assistance and looking through garbage. Before he record was made official they took this x-ray to make sure things were on the up and up. See what I did there? 

A shaft reduction has been considered but he hasn't made a decision about that yet. I wonder what they could even do that would still make it work. Its not like its a pencil where you can cut it in half and its still usable.

The last guy to have the biggest baby maker was this goober named Johan Falcon who had one that was 13.38 inches long. He is the one that should be upset. I think I would rather be the guy that is miserable with the world's biggest penis than the second guy with the world's biggest penis. This goes along with my whole all or nothing attitude. I wonder why this wasn't discovered sooner. I doubt it got to its size overnight. I'm sure there was a point, maybe 12 inches where this was the coolest thing on Earth. But once you get past that it must get terrifying...for most. I would use it as my calling card. You would know how big my junk was before my last name. 

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