Monday, April 10, 2017

Five Things I Learned Late

As smart as I was as a child there were still quite a few bits of basic information that I did not learn, was not taught, or never bothered to learn at an age appropriate time. I'm not quite sure how to describe the way I learned certain things while others just scooted on by. But there are some things I do remember learning or stumbling across and learning. These are Five Things I Learned Late. I know that you will read this and either laugh or feel bad for me. Don't. Feel bad that I ain't got any ass in a year or because I didn't taste a real mango until I was 35 years old.

How To Tie My Shoes

This one is a combination of parents that didn't give a damn and a lazy kid. I saw kids tying their shoes that were younger than me. I saw it on TV shoes. I knew that it was something I needed to learn, but fuck that. I was young and had shit to do. I didn't have time to be stopping to bend down and tie something I could just stuff into the sides of my shoes. Mind you, I waltzed into kindergarten knowing how to read and do math and at the age of 7 was reading at a junior high level. I just couldn't tie my shoes. It wasn't until I was 9 years old that I said “Guess its time to learn this” and did. It didn't take long at all. I just stared at my shoes, recalled some bullshit I saw on a TV show where a kid learned to tie his shoes, and that was it.

Till this day if you ever see me tie my shoes, which you won't, I don't have the same speed as someone that learned when they were, like, 3 years old. Or whatever age kids learn. I don't know and I don't care. I was smart, damn it! I won't mention how I just spelled smart wrong.

Alaska Is Not Next To Hawaii

This is the kind of map I grew up with in school. Its America. See where Hawaii and Alaska are? Yeah. Pretty damned close to California. And why would I think the map was lying to me? Imagine my shock, just my pure shock, when I found out that Hawaii was hours away by plane and that Alaska was all the fuck way up where it is. I seriously was like “Wait. What?” when I found out years later. I think I was like 14 when I found this out. “Didn't they have globes, Dante?” you just asked your screen like some kinda screen asking weirdo. Yes. But fuck globes. Those were for decoration in classrooms or to show someone getting from one place to another quickly in cartoons and movies.

Mind you, the internet was not a thing at this time. The internet didn't become a useful tool for things like learning how to tie a tie, porn, and diagnosing your itchy ball sack until around 2005. In the end it doesn't matter where either of these places are. I don't have any desire to visit them. One is cold and the other has mountains that shit hot magma when virgins are not tossed into them.

How To Ride A Bike

I learned how to ride a bike. A girls bike. I would ride my cousins bike and if you now how girl bikes are made they have big dip in the center so when you wanna jump off you just jump off. When I got a boys bike I would smash my balls on that bar daily. I was used to just hopping on down. If I can still have kids it will be a shock. And doctors would probably want to know why my child was born dizzy.  
I ended up going from a Smurf Big Wheel (click here to read about that nightmare) to a beach cruiser. That's like going from a Big Wheel to a beach cruiser! I was a tiny ass kid and had to mount it like a horse by using the porch for leverage. I would just shove myself away and coast until the bike fell over. There was no movie scene where my father showed me how to do this shit and my three older brothers weren't even trying to teach me. By the time I learned how to ride properly I just kept on breaking them. Peddle breaking was my jam.

All Eggs Do Not Become Chickens

I am sure there are thousands of you that have known this since you were a goofy ass toddler. Then there are others that will pretend that you have known this. Since I'm the last brave man I will fully admit that I didn't find this out until I was in my mid 30's. I was listening to a podcast and it was mentioned how chickens just lay eggs all the time. Like every day. My left eyebrow went up so fast it knocked my glasses off. Then I checked the internets and my face melted off. This was true. It was damn true!

How did I go through life not knowing that chickens just laid eggs all the time? This never came up in conversations. I never heard someone that was vegan or whatever saying that they ate eggs because it had no chance to become a chicken. They have to be fertilized to become a chicken. The fuck?! I don't feel as bad as I should for learning this so late because I can count the amount of times I've seen a chicken in real life and they were in folks yards. Or on my plate all deep fried and delicious...

No One HAS To Love You

You now how you hear ladies talk about the expectations that a Barbie will put on women as little girls to have stick thin bodies and the perfect life with a man? Same shit went for me when it came to movies (I won't even get into how scrawny He-Man toys made me feel). I thought if you loved someone enough that they would love you even if they thought you were ugly or whatever. You love someone enough they eventually give up like “Okay, fine. Let me try this goofy bastard out.” Next thing you know they realize you aren't so bad and once you take your glasses off am actually kinda cute. Wrong. I learned this last year.

Growing up I would think someone didn't like me because I was too small. Then too thin. As I got older it became because of whatever job I had or didn't have. Because I wouldn't argue. Because I didn't believe in the right god (even though we all know the Many Faced God is the one true god). Because I wasn't a thug. Because I seemed lazy. Because I didn't want to travel. Pick a reason. There are dozens more for me. Despite all of that I really did assume that if I loved someone so much I couldn't sleep right that they would somehow pick up on it and start to love me back. I don't mean love like in a friend way either. I mean love as in they wanna smooch me all the time and have me put my stick in their wasps nest and get stung.

I was talking to someone recently about how I think most women don't know what this feels like the way a guy does. We're usually the ones trying to do things and be someone else to get a woman to like us. To truly want someone and have them go “ I don't like you that way” and there's nothing you can do about it. They can't even tell you why exactly. You ask me why I don't like a particular woman and I can easily tell you. It can range from not liking them because they wear makeup to hating their laugh. I'm petty as fuck in case you haven't noticed. Anyhoot, over the years I thought if I changed things about myself but stayed me that someone would love me. They don't though so I'll just chug through for another year quoting Rick & Morty. “Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody's gonna die. Come watch T.V.” Some chicks draws just flew off her body.

Click here for previous Five Things I Learned.

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