Sunday, April 23, 2017

Dante Vs. Nature 66

Nature is like a god that will only send you to hell if you worship it. “That doesn't make sense” someone just said. No. You don't make sense. Much like nature. I saw a bat online and immediately said “Fuck you!” to it and decided to look up some other bats. Out of these three I only knew of the existence of one of them. Its the Megabat. Just by the name alone you know its trouble. This punk ass thing has a wingspan of almost six fucking feet. That is not fair. 

They say it only eats fruit but I think they are lying. They do not use echolocation like most bats instead having a great sense of smell instead. See, that way they can smell your fear and snatch you away from your adventurous friends on that stupid ass hike they convinced you to go on. You know how many people have died and the last thing they heard was “Oh, don't worry. It only eats fruit and bugs”? I don't know either. But I bet its in the dozens. Oh, and get this. They are reservoirs for the ebola virus. You even know what the fuck that means? It means they carry the shit but show no signs of it. Assholes. Flying in the air with they little dingalings just flapping in the breeze. Its gross!

This thing was discovered by me this morning. Its the Hammer-Headed Bat. Fuck this thing. Look at it. It looks stupid. It can grow to almost foot long which is better than that six foot bullshit up above. They say that compared to other bats these live the longest. Guess how long. 30 goddamn years. That's right. This thing lives longer than the average Black male. Oh, wait. I read something wrong. Its wings get up to three feet wide. Bull...shit. 

It looks like a moose fucked a mouse. Its science name is Hypsignathus monstrosus which sounds like a boss in Dark Souls. I listened to audio from these things and they sound like the Cadbury bunny. Its a sound you can't un-hear. If I were ever in the woods, which means I'm already close to death, I would run straight into a tree. I bet it eats you asshole first. Did you know that's ow most animals eat things? They go straight for the booty hole. Like me on the third date. I'm kidding! I wait till the fourth.

Hello, living nightmare. Hello, fever dream. Hello, night terrors. Hello, god's last gift. This looks like something Guillermo Del Toro created. Fuck this thing. This is Griffin's leaf-nosed bat and it looks like something that hell shat out. This thing has been darkening the skies and wasn't discovered until just 2008. How? How is that possible? Folks worried about finding life on other planets when we have these damned hell bats flying around? 

Thankfully this only lives in Vietnam and they can keep it. The last thing I want to see is a creature that looks like it has a cats asshole for a face or Freddy Krueger blew out his nose in the sky anywhere near where I live. Seriously. Look at it. If those other bats carry ebola this one must carry some form of polio or some shit. If this bit you your ass wouldn't turn into a vampire. You'd just turn into this thing. And you'd hate it because you'd look like the Toxic Avenger came on your face. Twice.

Click here for previous Dante Vs. Nature.

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