Johnny Panic: We Got It From Here Part 8

Click here for previous Johnny Panic.

“You dare attack us after we have been so kind as to give you time to say goodbye to one another? You dare send a laughing ball of energy to attack our ships? You dare to send this Johnny Panic to attack us? Did he not suffer enough after our first encounter? Do not think that we will endure this affront. We are the Arkho. We do not lose.”

Holy shit they broadcasted that so loud that I could hear it over me kicking their asses. So far I have taken down over a dozen of their ships and it has been easy. Some would say too easy. Some would say that I'm just so good at the kicking of asses that it just appears too easy. What I need to do is find that first ship. The main ship. The big daddy dick ship that shot me out the sky and got this whole mess started. That day was gonna be so fun. I was planning on eating, laying in bed, maybe having sex and by maybe meaning definitely having sex, and then sleeping some more. It was gonna be so sweet. But then these cock rats had to show up and try to destroy the planet.

I fly up even higher above the ships. Doesn't look like more are showing up which is cool. I can still see a lot more of them just hovering over the place looking all creepy. There. Way up there is the main ship. I can tell because it looks a little more spookier than these ships. And it's covered in red lights. Its like they went to a evil alien ship store and said “I want the most super villain ass looking ship you got. Cover it with all the guns and all the red lights because red means I am evil!” Idiots.

“Come face Earth's champion!” I shout at the ship. The soundwave from my scream actually makes the ship move a bit. I'm getting better at this. In a moment the ship is in front of me. Holy green balls that is startling! A big ass door slides open and it pours red light out. “Hey. Am I supposed...like, are you coming out or am I going in? This is all new to me. Be gentle.”

“Enter!” a voice booms.

“Not when you say it like that!” I shout. “Haven't you seen any movies? You are supposed to hang out for a few days above the planet all weird an' shit and then come down and just chill while we freak out not knowing if you are gonna blow us up or give us the cure for herpes. Not show up, block out the moon, then knock me out. Or just open your door and yell at me to come inside.” They sigh. The alien sighs at me!

“Fine” it says. “Would you please enter my vessel?”

“Nope” I say.

“Excuse me?”

“Don't let the smooth taste fool you” I say. “I don't know where you're from but where I'm from, Los Angeles, California, Earth, we don't go into the ships of people that zap us with laser beams. You come out here. You're making me look bad in front of my planet.”

“We could blow your entire planet up right now.”

“I don't think--” I was about to say I don't think they could but then the thought of those being my last words instead of “Damn you time traveling clones of Helen Mirren when she was 28 stop having sex with me so hard!” flashed and I shut up. “I would suggest you stop threatening my planet” I whisper. My hands heat up without me even wanting them to. The lights on the ship turn from red to light blue and a figure begins to emerge. “Fuck! You're hot!”

I am not kidding or exaggerating when I tell you that this is one of the hottest women I have ever seen. It looks like a woman but sounds like a straight up dude. Its about 5 foot 10. Skin tight black bodysuit with small spikes all over it. Skin is light yellow with long white hair tied back in the tightest of buns. Jesus. I don't know whether I wanna fuck or fight it. Maybe both.

“Space Bat.”

“Huh?”

“Space Bat. It Who Screams. Mover of Planets. You are known by many names” it says.

“Like what else?” I ask. This is me intrigued.

“Milky Way's Flamingo. The Hair.”

“Those aren't as cool” I say. “So, why do you wanna blow my planet up?”

“It is what Arkho do” it says. “And I as Mother Bird must do what Arkho demands.”

“So you're, like, the leader?”

“No” it says.

“Who is your boss?” I ask.

“There is no boss” it says. “I as Mother Bird do as Arkho demands. Arkho demands this planet be destroyed after defeating the strongest the planet had to offer. We defeated you.”

“You ain't defeat shit” I say. “I'm right here. You knocked me out and my baby kicked your asses for days. My baby! She can't even form a full sentence all proper and she kicked y'all asses!” This Mother Bird folds its arms over its beautifully sculptured breasts and closes its eyes.

“Then it is settled” Mother Bird says. “The ball of light. We shall defeat it and then destroy your planet.”

“That's not how this works” I say. “You don't get to just fight my child!”

“We are here to defeat the strongest and you obviously were not it and you yourself just pointed out that a small ball of light that giggled annoyingly for days is your child and stronger than you” Mother Bird says.

“Anyone ever tell you how hot you are?” I ask. “Like, I know you wanna blow my planet up and fight my daughter but all I hear is 'We are Arkhonians I am so damned hot here to destroy the planet kiss me champion of Earth I do whatever my aliens homies say imagine my body underneath this outfit.'”

“I am not hot” Mother Bird says. “The temperature of this planet is close to my home world.”

“Hot as in attractive” I say. “Like...damn. I know this is not how I'm supposed to talk to people but you are not even a people. You are an alien. I don't even know if you are a guy or lady alien and kinda don't care. I, like, 15% care. What do other Arkhovianists look like?” The door widens and is suddenly filled with what could only be described as walking hell.