Kids These Days 79

I was talking to H. this morning and we got on the topic of Lunchables. When I did an image search there appeared all manner of Lunchables that I didn't know existed. Here is a short history of them. “Lunchables was designed in 1985 by Bob Drane, Tom Bailey, Jeff James, and Deborah Giarusso as a way for Oscar Mayer to sell more bologna and other lunch meat. After organizing focus groups of American mothers Drane discovered that their primary concern was time. Working mothers especially were pressed by the time constraints of fixing breakfast for their families as well as packing something for their children to eat at school. This gave Drane the idea of creating a convenient prepackaged lunch featuring Oscar Mayer's trademark red meat. Crackers were substituted for bread because they could last longer in grocery coolers. The cheese was provided by Kraft when Oscar Mayer merged with Kraft in 1988. The design of the package was based on the look of an American TV dinner.”

So they wanted to sale more meat and decided to give kids high blood pressure. When you read the nutritional facts on these things you see that you get almost the daily recommended amount of salts and sugars from one serving of these. Granted, back then people didn't know as much or care as much about health. I think folks were still getting used to the fact that kids were living past years old and the bigger they got the more you had to feed 'em. So while these were created in 1985 they didn't go international until 1989. So I was 10 years old and ready to get my meat, cheese, and crackers on! That is the perfect age to start shaping kids for good or bad. When you are that age you don't consider yourself a kid but know full and damn well you aren't a teen so every decision you make seems important. 

Classic Lunchable. This was the OG. Ham and cheese with crackers. What?! I would take two of each thing and stack them together and take a bite...then realize I had nothing to drink with it. Later they added actual drinks with these but back then I had either a soda or some water from the fountain. Yes, kids. Back then it was totally okay to drink water from a fountain outside that had the same water source as the toilets and sinks. If I ever wonder why I was a little butterball with breasts I can just think of the fact that I would shovel these down my throat with reckless abandon. These didn't have sauce or nothing. Here are some dry ass crackers to go with your backpack heated meat and waxy cheese. 

I am talking mad shit about these but they were really good. With some of these crazy new flavors I can only imagine the multiple trips to the bathroom throughout the day. I'm sure it is fine to eat cold meat, cold cheese, and half cooked dough. At the time my parents made too much for us to get school meals and the other options were the catering truck which we didn't always get money for or hopping the fence and going to the store. My mother never sat there wondering “What ever will I feed my growing children?” My diet consisted of meats and sugars. I didn't cross correct my diet until my mid-30's thanks to the way I ate growing up. I am half afraid that I might buy one of these from the 99 Cent Store and get hooked on them. My tongue has a great memory and it wasn't like I stopped eating these because they tasted bad. 

Deluxe Lunchable. Now we are talking! I only got this one a couple of times because it cost a bit more and was seriously more than I needed to eat during lunch time. Plus you have to sit still and put together the equivalent of a party platter. You at school trying to ignore the fact that you have an out of control boner while chicks are looking better every day. Even the ones that really don't. And now you have your ass planted somewhere trying to stack ham, turkey, and two cheeses and crackers on top of one another. And still no drink! I know later on they started adding drinks and stuff but not when I was consuming these. And how much school work do you feel like doing after cramming your stomach with dry crackers, hot meat, and stale cheese? Not a lot it turns out. 

There are posts online of people making fancy versions of these that costs about ten times as much to make and way more time than cracking open a box and getting the fresh scent of feet and meat. I know that moms are getting the most shit for kids eating these things but no one is talking about the father that has never packed a lunch in his life for his kid. They just know or assume mama is keeping that thing alive. I don't even know what kids eat for lunch anymore. I just know what they can't eat because that makes the news. All the good shit gets banned.

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