Dragons Need To Exist

I was talking to Andy recently at work about religion. Of course when you talk about religion you have to bring up the stuff that to people who aren't talk about. There are things that are described in the Bible that if you saw it on the news you'd be like “When did NBC become the Weekly World News?!” People rising from the dead better known as zombies, talking snakes like Kaa, and dragons.

“And there appeared another wonder in heaven; and behold a great red dragon, having seven heads and ten horns, and seven crowns upon his heads.” (Revelation 12:3)

That's right. Motherfucking dragons. In Revelations there is a point where a seven headed dragon shows up and starts wrecking shit. I know that they show up at the end of the world and its supposed to be an orgy of blood, fire, and death. Religious people get hard when preachers start talking about that kind of stuff. Me? I just want to see a dragon. I don't care that the world is falling apart and demons are running around bitch slapping toddlers because they haven't been saved. I need to see a dragon in my lifetime.

What is the worst that can happen if dragons are real? It turns out that all the believers were right? Good for them. I get to repent, say I believe in Jesus, and I'm just as safe as the rest of you maroons that have devoted your life to him. Isn't that an awesome loophole? “Man, there's no heaven or hell! What a crock of sh--oh, shit! Demons?! Is that Jesus...? Yep. Sure is. Oh, no here come the dragons! Did I say 'Oh, no'? I meant fuck, yes! There are dragons and I believe in Christ!” Done. I got to see a fire breathing beast that I have been told doesn't exist and I get to kick it in heaven doing god knows what. I'd make the angels sick of me in a few hours talking about dragons. “Are there different colored dragons? Do any of them breathe ice? Where do the dragons sleep? Can I have a dragon? Why cant I have a dragon? Hey, where are you taking me? Why is it so hot all of a sudden?”

The idea of dragons being real gets me, a grown ass man, far more excited than perhaps I should be. But I don’t care. We’ve already found out that Bigfoot is fake, unicorns never existed, and dinosaurs probably had feathers. I need dragons to exist at the risk of the fate of this planet. Then I read the next line, Revelation 12:4.

“The dragon stood in front of the woman who was about to give birth, so that it might devour her child the moment he was born.”

Well…shit.