Rosscast Episode 1: Honey Bunches of Hoe's

I talk about the things that old cartoons from my youth and past relationships have in common.

Hippos & Martinis

A few weeks ago one of my best friends had a birthday at a bar. It was cool. There was a few people I had met before and my lady. I was set to get drunk, listen to music, and then chatter away like a lunatic. This is the part of the movie where a needle usually scratches on a record so get ready.

My ex showed up.

My friend pulled me aside before we ordered drinks and said “You’re gonna hate me.” I didn’t know what she meant at first. How could I hate her? She’s cool as fuck and we’ve been friends close to 10 years and I have known of her since I was 17.

“Whatsherface is coming.”

Whatsherface is my ex. I hate even saying her name. She and my friend used to be friends years ago but my ex decided to be an ass and stopped talking to her. She was coming with an old friend of mine that I had lost contact with years ago. I say “lose contact” but it means that my services were no longer required. Anyway, they were on their way and I no longer wanted to drink.

I wasn’t mad at my friend. I just had absolutely no desire to ever see my ex again. My girlfriend was curious to see what she looked like. In that tiny ass club I was somehow able to dodge my ex and still enjoy myself. My friend came around with the sweetest cupcakes I have ever had in my life that had little animals on top.
“Do you think I look better than her?” my lady asked me in regards to my ex.

Let me explain something, folks. I have never dated someone because of how they looked. My ex was not an attractive woman. She was dwarfish, mean, and pissy. So why did I stay with her? Because I was those things except dwarfish. So yeah. My girlfriend is the hotness. I fell for her because she read Dean Koontz books but the pretty smile, cool conversations, and sexy thighs are all just icing on the cake. My girlfriend beats my ex in every aspect and that is how it should be.

If you can date one person and never have to date ever again, keep it pushing, booboo. But if you do end up in multiple relationships you should always move forward. Even if its just physical as shallow as that sounds. I recently told my girlfriend that if she were ugly but still acted the way she does now I would still like her. And she’d probably be more loose. Ugly chicks are loose. Don’t act shocked, I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know.

Rockets.

Bionic Weave

KANSAS CITY, Mo. - Police said a woman's tightly-woven hair weave saved her life.

Police were called to a Kansas City market at about 11:30 p.m. Wednesday. Arriving officers found the 20-year-old woman there. She told police she had pulled into the market and saw a man with whom she had recently ended an eight-month relation with inside a car. A second man came up to the woman’s window and told her that the ex-boyfriend still loved her, Kansas City police said.

The woman told the second man, "I don’t love him."

At that time, the victim heard gunshots and saw her ex-boyfriend walking toward the back of her car firing a handgun, police said. The victim sped away in her vehicle as her back window shattered, police said. She returned to the scene a moment later to witness both men leaving in their vehicle.

Officers found a bullet in the woman’s hair and said her tightly-woven weave stopped the bullet. The victim was not harmed. The ex-boyfriend and the second suspect were both taken into custody a short time later.

I saw this story on the news earlier this morning and assumed that the chick was at the wrong place at the wrong time. I didn’t know that a guy was trying to kill her because she didn’t love him anymore. I also didn’t know she was 20. She looks 40. I mean, damn.

What if she was like, “Oh, I love him, too.” Would the gun said “Oh, okay. Let me just put my gun away and give you a hug.” There’s this thing I learned about in that old movie “Falling Down” starring Michael Douglas.

“The point of no return.”

Its where you’ve gone so far, said so much, or fucked up so badly you have no choice but to keep going. If you plan on shooting your ex in the face based on whether or not she says she still loves you, uh, you’ve gone past the point of no return. You’ve gone to a new place very few traverse.

“How the fuck this happen?”

The girl in the video that got shot in the weave looks like the type of chick that would forgive a fella for shooting them in the head. I’ve known women like this my entire life. No matter what a guy does they will take them back. She says her biggest concern right now is fixing her back window. What a damned planet.

Rockets.