Marvel One Shot Review

I found out late about these Marvel One Shots featuring Agent Phil Coulson from the live action Marvel films Iron Man 1, Hulk, Iron Man 2, and Thor. You may know him as the guy who is always around but you never get to know much about him. These two short…very short films show that he’s not just some guy that cleans up messes. He’s an asskicker as well.

The first story features Agent Coulson and Agent Sitwell sitting in a small diner discussing how to handle having The Abomination (from the Hulk film played by Tim Roth) released so that he may join the Avenger Initiative. They decide to use “The Consultant” to convince general Thaddeus “Thunderbolt” Ross to release him. Turns out that Tony Stark is “The Consultant” and he ends up pissing off Ross, keeping The Abomination locked up and not able to join the team.

That scene fills in the blank from the end of the Hulk film where General Ross is getting drunk in a bar after being defeated by Hulk. It was a cool way to wrap things up. The next story A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To Thor’s Hammer is a story of Agent Coulson filling up his gas at a station. He goes inside and the place gets held up.

He voluntarily gives up and lets the robbers know that he is armed. As he slides his gun over he throws flour in one of their faces, flies through the air kicking the shotgun down, and knocking both guys out before paying for his snacks and leaving.

I wish Marvel would do more things like this because in less than ten minutes they were able to prove that a random guy that pops up in their films has far more depth than I previously imagined. Next they can do a short film showing what happened to Macy Gray as she was performing during the first Spiderman film!

John Carter Movie Review

My name is Dante and I wasn’t expecting much when I decided to see John Carter. My reaction when I first saw the trailer was “What’s this broke ass Lord of The Rings?” This should teach me (for the hundredth time) to not decide to see something based on the trailer because I have missed out on some cool shit doing that nonsense.

If Martian women look like this I can declare all women of Earth safe from me.

I have not read a single one of the books this film was based off of. I don’t say that would pride, I’m just letting you all know that so when things aren’t like they are in the book I don’t know nor do I care. It’s a movie for nerds and if there’s one thing nerds are known for its being insatiable. Especially in bed. Gods, it’s a curse! One that I am doomed to live with for the rest of my short life.

"Jay-zus!!!"

John Carter is a dick. No other way to put it. The movie starts with him being captured and forced to fight in the war. He’s like “Nope.” Its funny because he gets knocked out for fighting back. Then he gets handcuffed and dives out the window. Then he breaks out of jail before being attacked by Indians and he escapes to a cave where a weird dude in a robe attacks him. He ends up transported to another place.

Want.

He wakes up and begins to notice that he’s not able to walk or run. He fucking leaps! My god how he leaps! Some weirdo alien things spot him and start chasing him until one of them convinces them to stop. Then he is captured and brought back to stay with them.

They shave different on Mars. 

They treat him like a pet and keep referring to him as “Virginia” because when he introduced himself he told them that he was “John Carter from Virginia.” It isn’t until he drinks this weird liquid that he begins to understand their language. Okay. Enough of this nonsense.

"Yep. That's definitely Snooki."

This s a damned good movie. Alright?! Not just because I expected it to suck, but because I cared about every character in this movie including the strange dog thing that looked like a giant pit-bull with a cat father with no hair. I wanted to own it! The effects are pretty damned good. The action is great. The main chick is all hot. And of course Mark Strong is in it.

He makes everything better. Except Green Lantern. He's not Jesus, people. 

This movie has aliens, spaceships, legends, great acting, great CGI, great story, and an awesome ending. This movie is what Scorpion King, Clash of The Titans, and Pathfinder were supposed to be. A big, epic ass movie that when its over you want to see again and watch the sequels. One reviewer compared it to Star Wars and I scoffed. I scoffed so hard my sunflower seed smacked the front of my teeth. And it hurt.

This is what I see when I close my eyes. 

Some people review movies and give good things bad reviews because bad gets attention. This movie is like Captain America or The Artist in that it made me happy while watching it. If you were on the fence about seeing this movie give it a try. See it early if you don’t wanna pay full price. Or watch it on DVD with your big ass TV since everyone’s is bigger than mine. The TV. Not…yeah.

Ghost Rider Spirit Of Vengeance Review

I don’t know how they did it, but Marvel managed to make Ghost Rider lovable. I feel the need to defend the fact that I actually sat through this movie. Yes, I know it stars Nic Cage who has been steadily proving that he can get work even though he is now a terrible actor. But the whole crazy thing he does? Its getting really old and messing up movies that have the potential to be good.

I liked the first Ghost Rider movie…from what I remember. I don’t recall hating it. But this one, Ghost Rider Spirit Of Vengeance, is just garbage. What was I expecting? I thought I was gonna see Ghost Rider setting shit on fire and smacking bitches with his chains. Story? Not sure. I’d honestly like to see him just riding around the city catching criminals and giving them his Penance Stare.

"In three minutes you're gonna feel terrible!!!"

He does do the stare but it takes forever to do! They explain this power through a shitty animated sequence at the beginning. Yes, a shitty animated sequence…from a movie…by Marvel Comics. They should be shamed of this. “Why the hell are you so upset about this movie?” you may ask. To which I reply “Because I fucking love Ghost Rider!” I used to draw this guy all the time. Its hard to fuck him up but they’ve managed to for millions of dollars.

This is the face I make after drinking apple juice.

So the story, which is something that any hack could’ve done, is a kid is going to be used by The Devil/Roarke to tranfer power and end the world and blah blah blah. Crap. Idris Elba is totally wasted as a drunk monk that wants to help Johnny Blaze (that’s Ghost Rider in human form who acts crazier than the demon version) gain his soul back and not be the Spirit Of Vengeance.

"Your mom really shouldn't have left you alone with me."

The kids mom is all like “No, not my innocent child that I conceived with The Devil and use to help me pickpocket people!” Blaze agrees to help. Now, the one thing I will say looks well about this movie is the effects used for Ghost Rider. But that cant make up for the weak ass story. As soon as you know the plot you know how this ends.

The bad guy. You can tell because he has an accent. 

So later the ex boyfriend and not father of the kid that will help end the world…one second while I rant. The ceremony that is going to end the world is attended by very rich and evil people. Justice League Doom is the first movie to address “Why would we help you end the world when we cant spend money?” These guys are just like “Whaevs. Let’s do this.”

Idris Elba with his Jamaican, French, English voice handing out guns. The drunk guy...with the weapons.

Anyway, Christopher Lambert (who they say had three months sword training which would be cool if he used it in the film) is in this as a bad monk but not really since he wants to kill the kid too because he knows its evil. The ex boyfriend becomes the villain Blackout who no one knows about. He can rot stuff.

What. The. Fuck.

Drunk monk, mom, and Johnny Blaze who no longer is the Ghost Rider get a bunch of guns, because that’s what monks collect along with wine for fun, and attack the evil people. The kid helps Blaze become Ghost Rider and a chase ensues that goes on for way too long and ends with The Devil being sent back to hell. The boy seems to die but Ghost Rider saves his life. Happy ending!

"I'm telling your motheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer...!"

This movie was done by the directors of Crank. You know that movie right? Yeah. Why would you give these two the money to make this pile of flaming shit? You cant have Nic Cage in human form out crazy the fucking demon with the flaming skull! It would make so much more of an impact if he was a normal guy (think Bruce Banner in The Hulk) who went nuts when changed. It cost 57 million and made 22. You know that awesome movie Chronicle? Costs 12 million and has made 51 million in three weeks. Marvel, cut the crap, okay?

Go See Chronicle!!!

This movie kicked all kinds of ass. White ass. Blacker ass. Latino ass. Ass ass. I know, I know. This isn’t a thing where I have seen so many shit films in a row or disappointing ones (The Help, The Iron Lady, The Grey, The The) and finally saw something awesome and got overly excited. I assure you. Chronicle was a fantastic superhero film and as soon as this shit is on DVD I am buying it!

The film is shot from the perspective of one of the kids named Andrew. Hey! No! Stop that! I know that there have been a bunch of movies that are handheld or security cameras but this isn’t like that. I’ll explain more later. So Andrew is the kid in school that is made fun of. He has an abusive father. His mother is dying. He gets picked on. Its my life in high school except my mother isn’t dying…quickly.

With great power comes great responsi--fuck that.

Andrew gets a big ass camera and walks around school and home filming everything, even his father beating his ass. For anyone that says that wouldn’t happen a chick filmed her parents beating her and it got out last year. Andrew’s cousin Matt likes him but knows that he’s a weird guy but tries to get him to open up and put the damned camera down. He doesn’t.

At a party one of the most popular kids in school, Steve, spots Andrew after he gets fucked with by a guy for filming his girlfriend dancing at a party. Steve and Matt found a hole in the ground where something struck. They head down into the hole and find this glowing rock that has like some weird…thing inside of it. Steve gets too close and his nose starts bleeding and suddenly the camera goes dark. I was ready to get pissed off when this happened but that shit was quickly shut down.

"This time it was the Black guy." Actual quote from the movie.

The scene starts back with all three of them practicing their new powers. They throw baseballs at each others faces until Andrew, who seems to be picking up on how to use his powers the fastest, stops the ball mid-air. They get nosebleeds when they use their powers too much and headaches. They try and get back to where the weird rock landed but cops have shut the area down because the ground collapsed.

Later when driving home some guy starts tailgating them and Andrew waves his hand smashing the front of the car and sending it off the road and into a lake. Matt and Steve jump in and save the driver. While Matt is calling for an ambulance Andrew is like “Was that bad? The part where I made the car do that?” and his cousin Matt is like “Yes! We need fucking rules!” No more public practice. Never on living things.

Between this and Twilight the skies of Seattle are a damned playground.

Steve calls them later on and shows that he has figured out that they can fly. After some failed attempts they are shown flying through the air playing football in what looks way too much fucking fun. Suddenly a plane comes out of nowhere, which they tend to do, and sends them crashing to the ground. They survive and Steve is super grateful to Andrew for saving his life. They become closer and Steve convinces Andrew who is ultra shy to enter the school talent show which he kicks ass in using their powers. Now he is popular.

At the party where they all get drunk Andrew almost loses his virginity but ends up vomiting on a girl. Its all downhill from here. Now everyone is back to making fun of him. He ends up seeing a kid that made fun of him and yanks three of his teeth out. He’s been sitting at home getting better at his powers. By this point you see that he is getting darker and losing control.

If you kid has this face...move. 

Later after a fight with his father Andrew leaves. Matt and Steve start to have nosebleeds and sense something is wrong with him. Steve finds him high in the air at a building being constructed and tries to convince him that he is his friend and to come with him. Andrew loses his shit and hits Steve with lightning, killing him because he's Black and his days were numbered. At the funeral Matt confronts Andrew who is using his powers publicly and flies away in broad daylight.

He doesn't like Transformers either. 

Andrew ends up using his powers to rob the guys who messed with him daily on his street. Brutally. He robs a gas station for money and ends up accidentally blowing up the place and ending up in the hospital. This is the point where some people say “Hey, this is like Akira!!!” to which I reply “Have you seen Akira? Have you actually watched Akira? For real?” If Akira was like this the film that is being done would be done. And according to assholes any movie that has a hospital battle of trouble (hey, Dark Knight had one!) is copying Akira. Whatever.

Andrew’s dad shows up and says that his mom is dead and its Andrew’s fault. Andrew is in a half coma and suddenly awakes when his dad tries to punch him. The room explodes and Matt, who is at a party with a chick I haven’t mentioned in this review until this point because she kinda annoyed me and is super bitchy, has a massive nosebleed and rushes to find Andrew who drops his dad from the sky. Matt saves him and flies up to face.

"Back door! Back door!!!"

Everyone is like “What the fuck was that?!” and I’m all like “I know, right?!” Andrew is completely out of his mind now. He is throwing cops in the air. Flinging cars around. They start fighting all over the city in the best superhero fight ever filmed. Why? Because there’s damage. The shit looks real. You see footage from security cameras and police cars. Andrew has Matt and the chicks car on the space needle at one point. Fuck, it was awesome!

Andrew lets Matt know that he is now an apex predator and that he can do whatever he wants. Andrew starts flipping SWAT teams around and kicking his cousin Matt’s ass until finally Matt sends a spear from a statue through his heart killing him. The cops try to grab him and he just flies off. He lands in Tibet, where Andrew always wanted to visit, and salutes him ending the movie.

"We're gonna be friends forever, right? Right...?"

This film was directed by Josh Trank and written by Max Landis. I started looking up Landis’ stuff and he has the funniest fucking video in Youtube called The Death & Return Of Superman (link should be in this area). This movie was cool for so many reason. I was ready to be disappointed a bit because of shit like I Am Number 4. I didn’t need to. Before I saw this my favorite superhero movies were Dark Knight and Unbreakable. Chronicle is now number two.

Watching them use their powers to fuck with people, each other, and the entire practicing sequences were entertaining as hell. Besides the slightly annoying chick with the camera I have nothing to bad to say about this film except the fact that it ended. I don’t want it to have a sequel or anything. I love it as is. Go see it as soon as you can.

Kneel Before Zod!

Ask me what I remember about Superman 2? Ask me!!! General Zod, Ursa, and Non. Fuck the rest of the movie. I know that people love Christopher Reeves as The Man Of Steel and the director Richard Donner and all that jazz. But for me the best parts of the movie involved three aliens that had all of the hero’s powers doing nothing but wrecking shit. Because, honestly. That is exactly what you would do if you had as much power as the strongest guy on Earth.

When I was little I liked Superman because of his powers. I didn’t like the character himself. So imagine my surprise when I am ready to watch a crumby Superman movie and all of a sudden these three lunatics show up. I love how they show up and they’re just like “Everything on this planet sucks. Let’s hurt it.”

They beat up hillbillies just for funsies. Burn snakes because, well, no humans were nearby. These three were the nightmare of every Black person on the planet.

"Aw, hell naw!"

Besides their leader General Zod there is Ursa. Knowing nothing about these characters history and not really caring to do any real research, she is mean for no reason. This crazy bitch is so evil that at one point Superman hauls back to clock her. He didn’t even try to punch Lois Lane and she is punchable every time she is on screen. Go and watch a scene with her. See? You totally just punched your screen, didn’t you? Learn some impulse control, you maniac. Allegedly she is a “consort.” That means she gets paid a lot to have sex, doesn’t it?

Totally caught looking at her ass.

Then there is Non. I had to look this guy up because all’s I would’ve written was “He strong.” Dude used to be a scientist but got lobotomized and he is now dumb. I love the way this big crazy bastard looks. Look at him with that rocket. He just took it like “I feel like chicken tonight!” Fully aware that sentence made no sense. I would love to have a guy like this on my team even though he’s a complete glass licker.

They should’ve been able to beat Superman. I mean, they have all of his powers and there’s three of them. But eventually he is able to send them all back to The Phantom Zone which looks like a bad 80’s album cover. There are worse places to be trapped than a mirror with Ursa. She’d be kneeling before Zod alright. Know what I’m saying…?

With Great Power Comes...

Uncle Ben is a delicious rice featuring a Black dude that looks like he’d either give you candy and smile or tie you to a radiator and pray for you to stop your whorish ways. Whoever gets that joke starts off 2012 a champion. Uncle Ben is also the guy who told Spiderman “With great power comes great responsibility.” And then Spiderman let a guy get away with robbery only for him to shoot his uncle. I recently watched two movies with similar premises that show how when given super powers we’ll probably be a dick.

Jumper is about a kid that discovers one day as a 13 year old while getting away from his abusive ass father that he has the ability to “jump” to another location. Its basically teleportation but no one fucking says it even though that’s what it is. He runs away to New York (telling no one that he isn’t dead from a fall into ice water earlier) and spends his time traveling around the world hanging out at famous landmarks and having a good time. And by good time I mean he robs banks to support himself. Its fine though because he leaves IOU’s. That he never pays back.

Years later he returns home and finds the girl he has always loved. She works in a bar, which is what chicks always do when you leave them behind in movies because women always give up on their dreams, and he finds her. He ends up getting into a fight with a guy he hated in school and teleports him into a bank vault. A guy sees him at the bar who also saw him in London which means it is safe to assume he also has the same ability. He confronts him in Rome telling him pretty much “Hey, asshole! You cant keep using a power like this without being noticed!”

And he does get noticed by an evil Blacker that uses shock sticks with ropes that hit you and keep you from teleporting before stabbing them in the name of Jay-Zus. The kid discovers that his father has been killed, his mother is still alive and works for the bad guys, and they got the chick he is in love with. He learns to teleport a house and leaves the bad guy in a cave somewhere. He then meets his mom who has Bella from Twilight as a daughter for some reason and she hugs him and says she is gonna hunt him down. Then the kid and his girl teleport for vacation. I don’t know what the point of this movie really was besides to give Sam Jackson a terrible haircut.

In Push a kid and his father are being hunted by a team of armed men. The father tells his son to run before being killed. The kid moves to Hong Kong and spends his time close to broke and trying to use his ability to “move” to gamble on the streets unsuccessfully. “Move” is telekinetic ability. These guys who can touch and smell stuff show up at his place and interrogate him. A little girl shows up with the power to see the future by drawing it badly tells him that they will be rich soon. Then dead. And the dude gets his ass kicked a lot.

There’s a secret organization that finds the people that have powers, which there are many of like Watchers, Shifters, Sniffs, Wipers, and Shadows. This one chicks survives a experiment and runs away. Its up to them to find the chick and figure out what will happen because Ms. Negativity little girl keeps drawing pictures of them being murdered in far worse ways. I’d be like “Keep that shit to yourself!“ The guy and the psychic girl get attacked by crazy Asians who have the power to shout really fucking loud. Like loud enough to make you bleed. They are Bleeders. They look scary.

Fuck. This.

A Blacker, the same one who killed the kid’s dad earlier, shows up. He works for the evil people and he gets the chick that everyone is looking for. Turns out the kid knew her and they used to date. She has the same power as the Blacker which is to “Push” people. That means they can make you do whatever they want. He tells her that she is a bad guy as well and that she never dated the kid. Fast forward to lots of dying, the guy getting his ass kicked more, lots of convoluted stuff, and the kid wins by injecting himself with soy sauce. Later the chick he loved finds out she really did date him and she tells the Blacker to shoot himself in the head. The moral of the story is…Black men that dress really well are probably evil.

Hollywood Hates Comic Books 2

This is the second installment of Hollywood Hates Comic Books. You can see the first few by clicking in this sexy little area. For a minute I was like “Why cant I think of any bad comic book based movies…?” All of a sudden my brain went Johnny Pneumonic and flooded my head with way too many bad films. This time I am just going with three of them. And they are pretty damned bad. Why cant Hollywood play nice?

Vietnam vet has his son and wife murdered after seeing a mob hit. After seeing this shit happen Frank Castle becomes The Punisher and uses his skills as a soldier to kill bad people. He uses any means to dispatch of his foes including guns, torture, rockets, blowtorches, or whatever the hell he can get his hands on. He once used a polar bear to maul someone who worked for an evil old woman. That happened! At one point he kills the entire Marvel universe. Seems impossible but its right there in stores for purchase. When criminals see the skull they pretty much know that jail is an option if they manage to develop the ability to dodge hundreds of bullets.

FBI agent Frank Castle retires from his job. While vacationing his entire family is murdered. And by his entire family I mean everyone because it’s a reunion. He is shot and found in the river by a fisherman. He takes the skull shirt his son gave him and goes on a mission to kill John Travolta…who replaces the evil old woman in this version. Instead of torturing someone with a blowtorch he uses a delicious popsicle. Quirky neighbors and such make him damn near lovable. By the way I had to choose between three films and this one was the worst. It was as if they tried their best to make sure another movie was never made. But there was.

Elektra is an assassin that wants to avenge the death of her father. She is awesome as hell and super violent with her sais. She is in love with Daredevil but way too extreme for him. She is killed by Bullseye with him ramming her own weapon all up in her ribcage. Though she has no superpowers she (once she came back to life) is able to hang with some of the toughest characters in the world. Never quite reaching the potential she should’ve in comics, she is still one of the best female creations of course from Frank Miller.

Doe eyed Elektra comes back to life after being killed in the equally terrible Daredevil film because a blind man (Stick) brought her back. He teaches her magic that allows her the ability to see into the future and bring the dead back to life. He ends up getting rid of her dumb ass because she cant let go of her rage. Rage that Jennifer Garner does not have the acting chops to accomplish. Her new powers show her that a girl she met and the girls father are going to be killed so she decides that she doesn’t want to be a contract killer anymore but that she wants to protect them.

Dr. Bruce Banner is a physicist that ends up being bombarded with gamma radiation while saving the life of a jackass who becomes his friend who was riding his bike on a nuclear testing ground. He is a meek little guy but now when he gets pissed he becomes The Incredible Hulk. He has two setting: human scared of transforming into monster and monster that wants to kill anything that annoys him. He is so damned powerful that the most powerful beings in the Marvel universe got together and tricked him into leaving Earth. He came back better and beat all their asses.

David Banner, the father of Bruce, uses himself as a guinea pig to make his DNA better. It passes on to his unborn son who grows up to be a scientist. As a baby he cries and turns green which happens in the first minute of the movie and was my cue to leave but I didn’t because I’m stupid. Bruce later grows up and when angry transforms into a Hulk. His father later turns himself into a element manipulating creature but not before creating dogs that can “Hulk out.” The small Banner is replaced by an actor that is large enough to be painted green and play the main character himself. Wrong cast, wrong effects, wrong storyline, wrong all around.