Marvel One Shot Review

I found out late about these Marvel One Shots featuring Agent Phil Coulson from the live action Marvel films Iron Man 1, Hulk, Iron Man 2, and Thor. You may know him as the guy who is always around but you never get to know much about him. These two short…very short films show that he’s not just some guy that cleans up messes. He’s an asskicker as well.

The first story features Agent Coulson and Agent Sitwell sitting in a small diner discussing how to handle having The Abomination (from the Hulk film played by Tim Roth) released so that he may join the Avenger Initiative. They decide to use “The Consultant” to convince general Thaddeus “Thunderbolt” Ross to release him. Turns out that Tony Stark is “The Consultant” and he ends up pissing off Ross, keeping The Abomination locked up and not able to join the team.

That scene fills in the blank from the end of the Hulk film where General Ross is getting drunk in a bar after being defeated by Hulk. It was a cool way to wrap things up. The next story A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To Thor’s Hammer is a story of Agent Coulson filling up his gas at a station. He goes inside and the place gets held up.

He voluntarily gives up and lets the robbers know that he is armed. As he slides his gun over he throws flour in one of their faces, flies through the air kicking the shotgun down, and knocking both guys out before paying for his snacks and leaving.

I wish Marvel would do more things like this because in less than ten minutes they were able to prove that a random guy that pops up in their films has far more depth than I previously imagined. Next they can do a short film showing what happened to Macy Gray as she was performing during the first Spiderman film!

Walking Dead Gets It Right...Finally

As a nerd I know that I am hard to please when it comes to certain things. These things are very particular and surely maddening for people who don’t understand them. Explaining to a teacher in high school why The Diamond Cutter is the best and most effective move in wrestling ever fell on deaf ears. Describing in vivid detail why Batman who has no superpowers can defeat Superman who has every superpower is ignored. And why I refused to watch one of the highest rated shows, Walking Dead, because one character wasn’t featured.

I liked the comic book Walking Dead. It didn’t knock my draws off or anything but I liked it. The writing was very inconsistent at times and there were times when it would take a while for the next issue and when it did come out it was very picture heavy with no words. But I forgave it. That is until I saw that there was no real ending. It’s the same feeling I got when I watched certain TV shows.

The Lake, Lost, Lie To Me, The Event, Heroes, and No Ordinary Family to name a few. You just get the feeling that the show is being made up as it goes along with the writers having no clear idea of where the hell the show is actually going. So yeah. I gave up on reading Walking Dead.

I ended up getting a few more issues from an old co-worker that got me back into it with the introduction of a character named Michonne. She is a sword wielding Black chick that shows up with two zombies on chains. Their arms and jaws have been removed and she just arrives with them like this is perfectly normal.

Now I am forced to go back and watch the previous two seasons of the series just to lead up to something I know happens because of hot ass wrestler Persephone Vice. She alerted me to the fact that Michonne arrived since she heard me bitch and moan about the fact that the show lacked a crazy Black woman swinging swords.

I cant wait to wait to watch a new show every week. The last ones I had on a regular basis were 24, Smallville, Lie To Me, Heroes, Luther, and Being Human. Here’s me hoping that Walking Dead joins this short ass list.

Folks Still Read: Gil's All Fright Diner Book Review

Cam let me borrow this book called Gil’s All Fright Diner last week. Its by writer A Lee Martinez who hales from Texas which is where the story takes place. it’s the tale of a werewolf and vampire who must stop the end of the world. I remember seeing this cover a while back but never bothered to pick it up. Because I’m an ass.

The vampire, Earl, is a skinny and balding vampire with a comb over. His surly werewolf friend Duke is gigantic. They pull into a town called Rockwood and end up at a diner that is almost immediately attacked by zombies. They help the owner, Loretta, fight them off and are surprised at how not terrified she is at the fact that the undead are attacking and that a werewolf and vampire helped her. Apparently weird things have been happening in Rockwood for years.

They tell her that they’ll stay a while and help her install a gas line to the diner while they also investigate why zombies are attacking. Marshall Kopp, the towns officer, wants Loretta to close the place down on account of the zombies but she refuses to. Duke and Earl stay in a spare room where Earl sleeps in a trunk.

According to the story all vampire rules apply except for a stake through the heart which doesn’t kill him but freezes him in place. He feeds mostly from animals and has preferences. Duke can change into a giant wolf-beast at will and heals quickly. He became a werewolf after running over another one and inheriting the curse. He strong and tough which helps him fend off Loretta’s advances.

A young girl named Tammy who prefers to be called Mistress Lillith is attempting to bring about the end of the world by raising Old Gods. Her minion is a dumb jock named Chad who pretty much will do whatever she asks, including stealing body parts, as long as he can fondle or sleep with her.

Other characters include Cathy who is a ghost that Earl has to speak to which he hates since ghosts scare him. Napoleon, Cathy’s ghost dog. And then there’s Gil himself. This story is crazy as hell and I’m not sure if this is a young adult novel. I have read some pretty crazy ass stories that were in the 12-18 age range and they have lots of sex, violence, and gore. This one is no exception. I have talked to people with children and my librarian BFF and it seems to boil down to maturity. In which case I probably shouldn’t have been allowed to read this.

The story feels as if you’re jumping into the middle of other stories since the characters are already set up in their relationships. There is some backstory provided but you know there is so much more that can be explored. I checked to see if there were indeed more books with these characters and sadly there isn’t. I mean, any story that can have zombie cows, magic 8 balls that cops an attitude, and evil zombies that pat each other on the back for their growling skills is surely worthy of a sequel.

Superman: Doomsday Movie Review

After watching Superman: Doomsday I have come to realize that the people who live in Metropolis are dumbasses. Whenever there is trouble they all rush outside and stare at what’s happening. If I live there I have a bunker far underground. But even that’s not safe because battles go every damned where. I decided to watch this after my constant Superman bashing that goes on during my blogs on this site. So let’s see how that little experiment went.

"Let me holla at'cha, bitch! Holla holla holla!"

The movie starts with Lois Lane nagging Superman about the fact that she doesn’t know his secret identity. That don’t stop her from banging him for half a year though! Could you imagine what your friends would say about you?! “Hey, Vicky Vale? I hear you and Batman are together…” “Yeah. But he gives me his Batwang with the cape on.” he tells her that she will get hurt if she knew but she’s a woman so she’s just like “You have commitment issues!” So he hurls her into space and gives her the Degeneration X crotch chop!

"Whatchu lookin' at?"

That doesn’t happen. Meanwhile on the other side of the globe Lex Luthor is digging and his people find a thing from space. They accidentally crack it open and Doomsday busts out and is like “I’m gonna kill anything that has a shadow!” And he does! He kills everyone there. He even kills a doe. A deer. A female deer! Why? Because it looked at him!

Everyone watching the deserves to have died.

Doomsday makes his way to Metropolis and him and Superman get into a hell of a battle. Just lots of punches and hair pulling. Let me say something for a second. DC pulled this shit in Batman: The Animated Series with Batman when he fought Bane and just snatched the chord with the venom drug out of Bane’s neck after turning it to overdrive. In this movie Superman drives Doomsday into the ground from space. Why not keep going? Why bring him back down into your city?! Its still better than punching each other to death.

Just because you sleep with Superman that doesn't mean you are invincible.

So Superman dies and everyone is sad and all I’m thinking is “Where the hell is The Justice League?” Jimmy quits The Daily Planet. Perry White starts drinking. Lois is all depressed so she drives to Smallville and pretty much lets Clark Kent’s mom because she realizes that Clark hasn’t called and Superman is dead. Took someone dying to know that the dude looks exactly the same but wears glasses!

Merry Christmas!

Next thing you know…boom! Superman is back and fucking people up. He is strange around Lois though. He captures Toyman who looks like a complete pedophile. I thought he looked like an actual toy but I guess they went with a different look. It turns out that this new Superman is a clone by Luthor. He has Superman in his back pocket. Dun-dun-dun!

Swear I saw him on "To Catch A Predator."

Superman’s robot stole his corpse because he was actually not dead. He helps him get better at the Fortress Of Solitude. Lex had stolen the body originally which is kinda creepy when you think about it. Actually its fucking creepy! Seriously, Lex? Seriously?! Corpse stealing?! So while fake Superman is flying around he hears that Toyman killed a child and he’s like “Its time to turn it to 11!” So he kills him.

Superman don't share his cereal with nobody!

Dead serious. He flies him into the sky and drops him on top of a cop car in front of the police station. Then he scares an old lady half to death because her cat got loose and he had to save it. Then the cops try to arrest him and he burns their guns and walks off to a salon. He finds the little lead coated Kryptonite ball in his brain and digs it out causing a salon employee to faint.

Edward James Olmos as Superman.

Bad Superman finds Lex and his lab full of clones while Lois and Jimmy are investigating it and captures Luthor in his red sun room with Kryptonite gloves (does this stuff grow on trees?!) and damn near kills him. The real Superman gets a Kryptonite gun from his robot friend and heads to Metropolis.

Hey, look! More punching!

The two Superman fight it out with the real Superman at only 67% but he’s got a gun so fuck full strength. He wins of course and Lex isn’t dead. Just busted up. He needs to be in jail. This movie was good until Superman died. I didn’t know it was gonna be full of just watching the city get destroyed and people just stand around not dodging certain death. Lois dumbass even almost gets killed on her first assignment out since Supes death! There’s no need to really see this. Its like five years old anyway.

John Carter Movie Review

My name is Dante and I wasn’t expecting much when I decided to see John Carter. My reaction when I first saw the trailer was “What’s this broke ass Lord of The Rings?” This should teach me (for the hundredth time) to not decide to see something based on the trailer because I have missed out on some cool shit doing that nonsense.

If Martian women look like this I can declare all women of Earth safe from me.

I have not read a single one of the books this film was based off of. I don’t say that would pride, I’m just letting you all know that so when things aren’t like they are in the book I don’t know nor do I care. It’s a movie for nerds and if there’s one thing nerds are known for its being insatiable. Especially in bed. Gods, it’s a curse! One that I am doomed to live with for the rest of my short life.

"Jay-zus!!!"

John Carter is a dick. No other way to put it. The movie starts with him being captured and forced to fight in the war. He’s like “Nope.” Its funny because he gets knocked out for fighting back. Then he gets handcuffed and dives out the window. Then he breaks out of jail before being attacked by Indians and he escapes to a cave where a weird dude in a robe attacks him. He ends up transported to another place.

Want.

He wakes up and begins to notice that he’s not able to walk or run. He fucking leaps! My god how he leaps! Some weirdo alien things spot him and start chasing him until one of them convinces them to stop. Then he is captured and brought back to stay with them.

They shave different on Mars. 

They treat him like a pet and keep referring to him as “Virginia” because when he introduced himself he told them that he was “John Carter from Virginia.” It isn’t until he drinks this weird liquid that he begins to understand their language. Okay. Enough of this nonsense.

"Yep. That's definitely Snooki."

This s a damned good movie. Alright?! Not just because I expected it to suck, but because I cared about every character in this movie including the strange dog thing that looked like a giant pit-bull with a cat father with no hair. I wanted to own it! The effects are pretty damned good. The action is great. The main chick is all hot. And of course Mark Strong is in it.

He makes everything better. Except Green Lantern. He's not Jesus, people. 

This movie has aliens, spaceships, legends, great acting, great CGI, great story, and an awesome ending. This movie is what Scorpion King, Clash of The Titans, and Pathfinder were supposed to be. A big, epic ass movie that when its over you want to see again and watch the sequels. One reviewer compared it to Star Wars and I scoffed. I scoffed so hard my sunflower seed smacked the front of my teeth. And it hurt.

This is what I see when I close my eyes. 

Some people review movies and give good things bad reviews because bad gets attention. This movie is like Captain America or The Artist in that it made me happy while watching it. If you were on the fence about seeing this movie give it a try. See it early if you don’t wanna pay full price. Or watch it on DVD with your big ass TV since everyone’s is bigger than mine. The TV. Not…yeah.

DC Doesn't Trust Its Fans

Arguably the two most important most important comic book moments to happen during my life have been Batman getting his back broken by Bane and Superman being killed by Doomsday. I found out about each of these occurrences through, of all people, my father.

“You know Superman died?”

"I pick things up and put them down!"

I was like “No, he didn’t.” Walked into my parents bedroom and sure enough there was a news story talking about the fact that Superman was indeed dead. It was weird. I wasn’t a huge fan of the character himself but he’d always been around.

Fast forward a few more years or so.

“You hear Batman got his back broken?”

Okay, goddamn it. Enough is enough. There was no way my no comic book reading ass father was gonna get the scoop on me agai--yep. Batman got his back broken. I was pissed because not only is Batman the best comic book character ever created but he got crippled by a set up move in wrestling.

"It wasn't the comic you needed. It was the comic you deserved."

Now when Superman died it was weird. I had recently really started to collect comic books and begged my oldest brother, Kevin, to get it for me. He worked at the mall and there was a comic book shop there at the time. So I deserved it. He told me he’d get it if I ironed his clothes free for the week. And I did. He brought me a comic book with the entire Justice League carrying a coffin. I open and read.

Don't worry, Lois. He's just sleeping. 

“What the fuck is this?!” I thought because I was years away from cursing out loud. It was Funeral For A Friend, not The Death Of Superman. I was pissed and my brother told me I’d have to wait. So I did and eventually he brought me the entire collection in graphic novel form.

I never bought or got the issue of Dark Knight Falls in which Batman got broken in half. But the question asked when each of these events occurred was this: Who did it? Meaning, who was the villain that finally managed to take down two of the most recognizable characters in comic book history?

"Wait. I thought we were working the arm..."

Surely Batman was taken out by The Joker. Lex Luthor had to have beaten Superman. Right? Nope. In both cases it was a character created just to do the dirty deed which was a huge cop out on DC’s part. I’m not gonna go into the history of Doomsday and the Superman saga. Max Landis did a far more entertaining version of that. But I’ll tell you what bugged me the most about Batman being taken out by a luchadore.

"Can a luchadore do thi-ow, ow- OW!!!"

Batman has arguably the best set of villains. Do I need to name them? Fuck you. He just does. He looks at other villains and laughs his creepy Batman laugh. There was no need to bring in this new South American psycho to take Batman down. Does DC not trust fans enough to accept that maybe one day Two Face gets lucky and shoots Batman? That Joker could slip a knife into the right spot and severe a nerve? No. They brought a guy out of nowhere to give him a backbreaker. A fucking backbreaker.

Folks Still Read: The Hunger Games Book Review

I received The Hunger Games as a gift (thanks, Miss E.) and dove right into this book. I have been hearing so much about it for the past few months but mostly from the movie trailers and the hype surrounding it. I’d never heard of it before then which some would find strange since I read so much. I’ll try and write the premise without ruining too much of the story for those who, like me, are late as hell when it comes to popular culture.

The story takes place in the future where North America got wrecked and got split into 13 different colonies. Each of these colonies specialize in something. The main character, Katniss Everdeen, live in District 12 who handles the coal mining for the nation of Panem. That’s what America is called now. She hunts for food for her mother and sister as her father died years ago in a coal mining accident. Her partner in crime is Gale who dreams of one day taking down the system for the way they treat everyone.

The Capitol, which is where the rich folks live, has an annual event called The Hunger Games. Its pretty much a honked up event where kids ages 12 to 18 have their name placed in a lottery and each District has a boy and girl entered. It’s a televised show where they murder each other until one is left. Katniss’ younger sister, Prim, is called to participate but Katniss chooses to replace her. Another kid named Peeta, the son of a baker, is chosen as well.

They arrive at The Capitol and are overwhelmed by how clean and enormous everything is. They are groomed and restyled and presented for the nation to see. After interviews and some training they are released into a zone where The Hunger Games will take place. Immediately kids are slaughtered as Katniss makes her way into the woods.

There is more but you’ll have to read this book or see the movie in a couple weeks. It’s a good and easy read but I do have some complaints. The pacing, once the games begin, is strange. There isn’t enough character development of many of the “tributes” aka contestants, so when some are killed it has no real impact.

Also, as interesting as it is for some readers, likely females, the love triangle that is attempted feels forced. Girl likes boy but not really. Boy loves girl. Other boy has never given love for girl who thinks she may love both boys but not quite sure. My brain started to play the theme to Dawson’s Creek whenever Katniss started pining. “I don’t wanna wait for our lives to be over…”

The ending gave me the same feeling as some of Stephen King’s later books in the 90’s. Here is a sample of my reaction while reading stuff like The Cell. “Wow, this is good. Okay, what was that for? Cool, good again. Better wrap this up. Huh? The hell was that?!” There were several points where the book should’ve ended but it kept going. And going. And going. By the time it was done such outlandish things happened that I could only wonder how the filmmakers were gonna handle it. Especially the fact that the main character does not talk much. She internalizes everything. Though this is a book for youths it is very violent and very bloody.

I’m still gonna watch the movie, don’t get me wrong. But this book just let me down towards the last 30% or so of it. A very strong start that had an ending that obviously built towards another book I’m not sure if I want to read. Lots of comparisons are being made between The Hunger Games and Battle Royale. They’re similar in that kids far from home are fighting to survive. So I guess its just like Lord Of The Flies.

There’s a whole theme that is a social commentary on war and reality television which is funny since for two years I have worked in reality television. As a reader you are told how messed up The Capitol is and how a revolt against them failed years ago. But then you wonder “Why not do it again instead of fighting to the death for people’s entertainment?” The whole point is to show the poor “This is to remind you not to step out of line!”

If the tournament is boring The Gamemasters, producers, will throw things in to make the game more interesting. You know the game is rigged and bets are placed. You earn sponsors by being entertaining. You wonder why it took so long for someone to use this to their advantage the way Katniss does.

I give The Hunger Games a 3 out of 5.

Max Landis' Death & Return Of Superman

I had to have watched this damned video over twenty times and I laugh each time. Max Landis with the help of celebrity friends like Mandy Moore, Elijah Wood, and Simon Pegg retell the story of The Death & Return Of Superman.

Ghost Rider Spirit Of Vengeance Review

I don’t know how they did it, but Marvel managed to make Ghost Rider lovable. I feel the need to defend the fact that I actually sat through this movie. Yes, I know it stars Nic Cage who has been steadily proving that he can get work even though he is now a terrible actor. But the whole crazy thing he does? Its getting really old and messing up movies that have the potential to be good.

I liked the first Ghost Rider movie…from what I remember. I don’t recall hating it. But this one, Ghost Rider Spirit Of Vengeance, is just garbage. What was I expecting? I thought I was gonna see Ghost Rider setting shit on fire and smacking bitches with his chains. Story? Not sure. I’d honestly like to see him just riding around the city catching criminals and giving them his Penance Stare.

"In three minutes you're gonna feel terrible!!!"

He does do the stare but it takes forever to do! They explain this power through a shitty animated sequence at the beginning. Yes, a shitty animated sequence…from a movie…by Marvel Comics. They should be shamed of this. “Why the hell are you so upset about this movie?” you may ask. To which I reply “Because I fucking love Ghost Rider!” I used to draw this guy all the time. Its hard to fuck him up but they’ve managed to for millions of dollars.

This is the face I make after drinking apple juice.

So the story, which is something that any hack could’ve done, is a kid is going to be used by The Devil/Roarke to tranfer power and end the world and blah blah blah. Crap. Idris Elba is totally wasted as a drunk monk that wants to help Johnny Blaze (that’s Ghost Rider in human form who acts crazier than the demon version) gain his soul back and not be the Spirit Of Vengeance.

"Your mom really shouldn't have left you alone with me."

The kids mom is all like “No, not my innocent child that I conceived with The Devil and use to help me pickpocket people!” Blaze agrees to help. Now, the one thing I will say looks well about this movie is the effects used for Ghost Rider. But that cant make up for the weak ass story. As soon as you know the plot you know how this ends.

The bad guy. You can tell because he has an accent. 

So later the ex boyfriend and not father of the kid that will help end the world…one second while I rant. The ceremony that is going to end the world is attended by very rich and evil people. Justice League Doom is the first movie to address “Why would we help you end the world when we cant spend money?” These guys are just like “Whaevs. Let’s do this.”

Idris Elba with his Jamaican, French, English voice handing out guns. The drunk guy...with the weapons.

Anyway, Christopher Lambert (who they say had three months sword training which would be cool if he used it in the film) is in this as a bad monk but not really since he wants to kill the kid too because he knows its evil. The ex boyfriend becomes the villain Blackout who no one knows about. He can rot stuff.

What. The. Fuck.

Drunk monk, mom, and Johnny Blaze who no longer is the Ghost Rider get a bunch of guns, because that’s what monks collect along with wine for fun, and attack the evil people. The kid helps Blaze become Ghost Rider and a chase ensues that goes on for way too long and ends with The Devil being sent back to hell. The boy seems to die but Ghost Rider saves his life. Happy ending!

"I'm telling your motheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer...!"

This movie was done by the directors of Crank. You know that movie right? Yeah. Why would you give these two the money to make this pile of flaming shit? You cant have Nic Cage in human form out crazy the fucking demon with the flaming skull! It would make so much more of an impact if he was a normal guy (think Bruce Banner in The Hulk) who went nuts when changed. It cost 57 million and made 22. You know that awesome movie Chronicle? Costs 12 million and has made 51 million in three weeks. Marvel, cut the crap, okay?

Justice League Doom Review

Once again DC knocks it out the damned park with their animated films! I saw the trailer for Justice League: Doom last year and was so damned excited. It wasn’t the Legion Of Doom from when I was little that was all super cheesy. These guys (and gals) were like “We are gonna wreck shit and wreck it well!” And, by god, they so did. The wrecked everyone so damned hard. I should probably describe the story.

Batman finds the Royal Flush Gang robbing a vault and using technology that is way out of their league. Superman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, Martian Manhunter, and Flash all show up and whip their asses. Oh, and Cyborg is there because Batman’s all like “This kid has potential.” Speaking of Batman, he is all banged up and refuses help from the League and heads home.

When he gets to the Bat Cave trusty Alfred is like “Dude, you need to rest.” Batman doesn’t know it but Mirror Master snuck in the rearview mirror of The Batmobile and hacks his computer system. Next thing you know Bane is walking through a swamp and has to whip an alligators ass. Star Sapphire shows up as well as Cheetah, Metallo, and Ma’alefa’ak whose name I refuse to type up again. The Legion Of Doom base rises and they enter.

Vandal Savage offers each of them ten million to fight their respective foes. They don’t get why he’d pay for something they do all the time badly. He explains that he has a plan to destroy two thirds of the planets population. Oh, and the thing that was hacked in the Bat Cave? Nothing. Just the files on how to take out every single Justice League member.

Bane shows up at Wayne manner and beats the hell out of Batman and buries him alive in his parents coffin with their corpses still inside! Superman has to help a suicidal man who turns out to be Metallo in disguise who shoots him with a Kryptonite bullet. Wonder Woman is infected with nano-bots that make everyone look like Cheetah. Green Lantern fails at saving a woman and loses his will to continue. Flash has a bomb jammed through his wrist and it will blow up if he stops running. And worse of all Martian Manhunter drinks something that makes him sweat a fuel and he is set on fire which burns continuously.

Now to explain why this is bad. Batman has to punch his way out of a coffin while staring at his parents corpse which will wreck any human. Superman--do you really need me to explain why a Kryptonite bullet is bad? Flash will blow up anything within three miles if he stops running.

Green Lantern’s ring is powered off of will. Martian Manhunter’s weakness is fire. Wonder Woman will continue to fight until she dies. Cyborg saves her (and has his arm ripped off) and Batman informs them all that he created the plans to defeat every member of the team.

Now, this doesn’t go over well. Its pretty honked up that Batman has a way to take out each of his teammates. Vandal Savage lets his team know that he cant die and that the money he is giving his team will be worthless but that he will give them control over society. They’re cool with that. He tries to launch his missile and the League show up and try to stop him.

This movie was awesome. I never thought that Cyborg could be cool or that Mirror Master could be dangerous. Yeah, he was using Batman’s plans that were stolen by Savage but whatever. It was still great. They squeezed so much information about each character and their motivation for wanting to defeat each other. I never thought Cheetah was dangerous until now. If you can check this out do so as soon as possible.