DC Doesn't Trust Its Fans

Arguably the two most important most important comic book moments to happen during my life have been Batman getting his back broken by Bane and Superman being killed by Doomsday. I found out about each of these occurrences through, of all people, my father.

“You know Superman died?”

"I pick things up and put them down!"

I was like “No, he didn’t.” Walked into my parents bedroom and sure enough there was a news story talking about the fact that Superman was indeed dead. It was weird. I wasn’t a huge fan of the character himself but he’d always been around.

Fast forward a few more years or so.

“You hear Batman got his back broken?”

Okay, goddamn it. Enough is enough. There was no way my no comic book reading ass father was gonna get the scoop on me agai--yep. Batman got his back broken. I was pissed because not only is Batman the best comic book character ever created but he got crippled by a set up move in wrestling.

"It wasn't the comic you needed. It was the comic you deserved."

Now when Superman died it was weird. I had recently really started to collect comic books and begged my oldest brother, Kevin, to get it for me. He worked at the mall and there was a comic book shop there at the time. So I deserved it. He told me he’d get it if I ironed his clothes free for the week. And I did. He brought me a comic book with the entire Justice League carrying a coffin. I open and read.

Don't worry, Lois. He's just sleeping. 

“What the fuck is this?!” I thought because I was years away from cursing out loud. It was Funeral For A Friend, not The Death Of Superman. I was pissed and my brother told me I’d have to wait. So I did and eventually he brought me the entire collection in graphic novel form.

I never bought or got the issue of Dark Knight Falls in which Batman got broken in half. But the question asked when each of these events occurred was this: Who did it? Meaning, who was the villain that finally managed to take down two of the most recognizable characters in comic book history?

"Wait. I thought we were working the arm..."

Surely Batman was taken out by The Joker. Lex Luthor had to have beaten Superman. Right? Nope. In both cases it was a character created just to do the dirty deed which was a huge cop out on DC’s part. I’m not gonna go into the history of Doomsday and the Superman saga. Max Landis did a far more entertaining version of that. But I’ll tell you what bugged me the most about Batman being taken out by a luchadore.

"Can a luchadore do thi-ow, ow- OW!!!"

Batman has arguably the best set of villains. Do I need to name them? Fuck you. He just does. He looks at other villains and laughs his creepy Batman laugh. There was no need to bring in this new South American psycho to take Batman down. Does DC not trust fans enough to accept that maybe one day Two Face gets lucky and shoots Batman? That Joker could slip a knife into the right spot and severe a nerve? No. They brought a guy out of nowhere to give him a backbreaker. A fucking backbreaker.

Kneel Before Zod!

Ask me what I remember about Superman 2? Ask me!!! General Zod, Ursa, and Non. Fuck the rest of the movie. I know that people love Christopher Reeves as The Man Of Steel and the director Richard Donner and all that jazz. But for me the best parts of the movie involved three aliens that had all of the hero’s powers doing nothing but wrecking shit. Because, honestly. That is exactly what you would do if you had as much power as the strongest guy on Earth.

When I was little I liked Superman because of his powers. I didn’t like the character himself. So imagine my surprise when I am ready to watch a crumby Superman movie and all of a sudden these three lunatics show up. I love how they show up and they’re just like “Everything on this planet sucks. Let’s hurt it.”

They beat up hillbillies just for funsies. Burn snakes because, well, no humans were nearby. These three were the nightmare of every Black person on the planet.

"Aw, hell naw!"

Besides their leader General Zod there is Ursa. Knowing nothing about these characters history and not really caring to do any real research, she is mean for no reason. This crazy bitch is so evil that at one point Superman hauls back to clock her. He didn’t even try to punch Lois Lane and she is punchable every time she is on screen. Go and watch a scene with her. See? You totally just punched your screen, didn’t you? Learn some impulse control, you maniac. Allegedly she is a “consort.” That means she gets paid a lot to have sex, doesn’t it?

Totally caught looking at her ass.

Then there is Non. I had to look this guy up because all’s I would’ve written was “He strong.” Dude used to be a scientist but got lobotomized and he is now dumb. I love the way this big crazy bastard looks. Look at him with that rocket. He just took it like “I feel like chicken tonight!” Fully aware that sentence made no sense. I would love to have a guy like this on my team even though he’s a complete glass licker.

They should’ve been able to beat Superman. I mean, they have all of his powers and there’s three of them. But eventually he is able to send them all back to The Phantom Zone which looks like a bad 80’s album cover. There are worse places to be trapped than a mirror with Ursa. She’d be kneeling before Zod alright. Know what I’m saying…?

Hollywood Hates Comic Books

Hollywood is accused a lot of times of rebooting or rehashing things. When it comes to comic books the same rule applies. There have been a few Superman, Batman, and Hulk films that change actors or pretend the last films didn’t happen in the first place. These are some (of lord knows how many) comic book based films that I would love to be seen done correctly.

Wanted

Kid with shitty job, girlfriend, and life meets hot Black chick who kills everyone in a restaurant and tells him that his father was recently killed (right before watching some dudes have sex and recording it on tape). Turns out dad was known as The Killer and belonged to The Fraternity; a group of super villains who gathered one day and defeated every hero in the world and erased the world’s memory making them forget heroes ever existed. He rapes, kills, and causes mayhem just for fun. Father returns saying he faked his death and has his son kill him to inherit millions of dollars and it all ends happily ever after.

Kid with shitty job, girlfriend, and life meets skinny White woman who stops an assassin from killing him in market. Finds out father was killed and belonged to a group known as The Fraternity. This group has mastered the ability to make bullets turn in the air. Oh, and they take their orders from a loom. A fucking loom. In the end everyone dies except the kid who threatens Hollywood and the public with a sequel. Please don’t. There are no costumes or super villains in this entire movie.

Catwoman

Burglar Selina Kyle spends her free time stealing cash and mostly jewelry from some of the wealthiest people in Gotham City. Has on again and off again relationship with Batman. Before beginning a life of crime spent time training in martial arts and being a prostitute. As a child both her parents die (suicide and alcoholism) and she is placed in an orphanage. Tries to get administrator arrested for stealing money but is caught and tossed in river in a sack. She comes back and has him erase her name from records. Catwoman is very resilient. A fairly simple story that would be pretty impossible to ruin, right?

Artist and graphic designer Patience Phillips overhears the makeup company she works for is still planning to sell a makeup that causes disfigurement. They find her and she tries to escape through a pipe but ends up drowning. A cat brings her back to life and she discovers she now has cat-like abilities like throwing her leg over her head and licking herself and saying terrible puns. She wears a mask and torn leather pants and begins to fight crime. Seriously. This was filmed for $100,000,000. I still have no idea where $99,000,000 of that money went to. Maybe the Thai stuntman that did all the hard stuff. I'm serious. A tiny man did all those flippy moves. Think about that when you're touching yourself to this movie.

Hellblazer: John Constantine

Londoner John Constantine while in his mothers womb strangled his twin brother with an umbilical cord. She then died giving birth. He grows up knowing how to use magic but chooses not to deciding to fight dirty instead. All of his friends die just from knowing him. He is a total asshole that hates his abilities and ha demon blood from having sex with a succubus and a transfusion with a demon. His look is based off of musician Sting.

John Constantine does exorcisms for a living with his assistant who is pretty useless. He is hired to investigate the murder of a cops twin sister. Meanwhile a Mexican guy finds a weapon, the Spear Of Destiny, and is walking to L.A to bring evil. Constantine fights bug men, crazy ass angels, and even Satan himself…until he stops Constantine from dying and cures him of lung cancer. This movie loses on so many levels the highest being Shia LeBouf.

Superman

An alien child from Krypton lands on Earth, specifically Smallville, Kansas. They teach him to be a good man. He stands for “truth, justice, and the American way.” He’s saved the planet more times than he can count. Battles creatures to protect not only his city of Metropolis, but the world. Works by day as a reporter. In love with fellow reporter Lois Lane for decades. Wears bright blue suit with red underwear and looks as if he is chiseled from stone. One of the most powerful comic book characters ever created. He has heat vision, freeze breath, super speed, super strength, and the ability to fly. Only weaknesses are Kryponite and magic.

An alien child returns back to Earth after leaving for years. He left but not before reversing the planets rotation to save one person, using the ability to teleport, create holograms of himself, freezing entire lakes (animals and possible swimmers be damned) to put out a fire, kissing the woman he reversed the planet for and making her forget his secret identity after having sex with her, and using his shield on his chest to wrap a villain. Finds out that Lois Lane is now dating Cyclops and mopes. He then gets stabbed with a Kryptonite knife, raises a Kryptonite mountain from the sea and throws it, and finds out that he has a son. Everything I said happened.

Not A Fan Of Superman

Growing up I was never a huge fan of Superman in comic book or film form. I was a Batman kinda kid. Till this day this is the way I think. As I got older I realized that there were many reasons why I had problems with this guy. His costume surprisingly isn’t one of them. Since I am pretty much done covering DC’s 52 I have decided that this blog will cover anything regarding comic book related information like movies, games, old comic books, and me just bitching about whatever I want. Like Superman who really isn’t that super when it comes down to it.

Heat Vision/Ice Breath. Superman has lots of powers. Lets start with his heat vision. This is a very cool power to have…if he ever used it. Years ago when I read The Death of Superman (spoiler alert!) and he fought Doomsday he didn’t bust out this ability until minutes before dying. If he thought about it for a second he would’ve just burned this crazy bastard to death and saved us all from the dozens of shitty Supermen that came out afterwards. Could you imagine being able to look at something and burn it?! Villains wouldn’t even know that I had the ability to punch I’d be using it so much.

Or you could use it to cook souffles.

How often does Supes use the ice breath? Not never. He used it in the movie to freeze a lake and put out a fire. Would have been easier to just swoop down and yank the flames into the sky or use ice breath to freeze it. God forbid you were in that lake when he decided to kill all the wildlife in it to put out that fire making the firemen all but useless at their jobs. Or to freeze a tank that was about to explode. I don’t even think that would work. Superman uses his powers like a child would. “That forest is burning! Better freeze this lake and fly it over the flames!” Really, dude?

Bullet Proof. It feels stupid to even point out the fact that Superman is bulletproof. If you fire a bullet at him you have to have heard of him. “Hey, you see that time Superman flew into a flaming building? How about that time that tank hit him and he didn’t flinch?” This still doesn’t stop people from firing at him using all their ammunition. And then…? Throw their gun at him. Superman needed to hold a press conference and have a cop firing a gun point blank into his face, turning towards the camera, and saying “This is what the fuck I do.” Crime should have ended the day Superman arrived. But it didn’t. because Superman doesn’t think. I wouldn't even have to see this happen to believe it because I live on Earth and I know that there is a creature that is the leader of a bunch of other creatures, gods, aliens, and super powered humans and if he tells me that he can be shot in the face and not blink I'm gonna believe him.

Super Strength/Speed. When you think of Superman the first image you have is his costume followed by thinking of his powers. Retard Strength doesn’t even begin to describe the amount of power this guy has. He has beaten enemies that have conquered planets. There is a move called The Superman Punch! Again, use the press conference example but switch getting shot in the face with flicking a car with his finger and looking into the camera and saying “This is your face in my dreams.”

"Shoryuken!!!"

Superman turned back time once to save a woman who was a 2 out of 10 by using his speed. People always argue over who is faster: The Flash or Superman? Flash disappears when he runs too fast. Superman alters reality. No one should even be able to pull a weapon out on him. As soon as they reach for one their face should be gone either with a punch or a laser from his eyes. As soon as a super villain opened their mouth to monologue Superman needed to be wearing their body as a sleeve with their asshole somewhere around his wrist. Look at that picture. Superman is so fast he dunked on four men during a basketball game. Not just four men. Two of them were BLACK men!!!

Secret Identity. Picture someone walking into your room wearing glasses. Now imagine him leaving and coming back seconds later wearing a costume with his glasses in his pocket. Would you have trouble identifying him? Nope. Clark Kent is not a great identity. If you had all the powers he had you would try and use it to better the world. Not be a reporter. Speaking of which since he is the on the frontline between information coming in and then reaching the masses, why is he always shocked when shit happens? You're not allowed to be surprised by anything Mr. Superhearing! Clark Kent is so stupid that even Superman hates him.

"NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRDDDDSSSS!!!"

Not Evil Enough. Yeah, I know he landed in Smallville, Kansas and was raised by some nice old people who grew corn. But imagine if he had landed in Gotham City. He would be far more proactive and have the ruthlessness needed to stop crime on Earth. He should have the entire planet afraid to do shit. Lex Luthor assumes that this is gonna happen one day so he’s like “Look. This dude is from another planet and can do things we can only dream of. One day he’s gonna wreck our shit. How about I stop him before that happens? Huh? I’m the bad guy?!” Superman has only lost his shit a couple times and it was when he was almost dead or about to die. I don’t think he has the power inside to truly rid the world of evil. Just stop it long enough to write an article.

Superman, Teen Titans, All Star Western, Black Hawks Issue 1

I refuse to go back to sleep ever again. Mr. Soot thought it would be funny to place another issue of DC’s 52 on my face while I slept. There are a lot this week and some of them make me question the people in charge of decision making. Some of these characters just don’t deserve their own comics. Seriously. Were you clamoring for a Black Hawks comic? Yeah. That’s what I thought. I’m getting ahead of myself.

Superman

Everyone knows who Superman is. He is the single most popular character ever created in comics and known around the world. He is literally the biggest super character in history. So I have to ask myself: Why did he get the crappiest issue one? I mean…wow. This is a real stinker. I cant imagine he is hard to write. He flies, shoots heat out his eyes, ice breath, super strong, and bad at disguise. Simple. So why the long boring ass introduction?

We get Superman sulking (a new power apparently) because The Daily Planet is demolished and a new one is built. They are also getting rid of the paper and going to TV and internet. He ends up fighting a fire creature. I hate fire creatures almost as much as I hate smoke monsters. He beats it after sending it into space. Later Clark Kent goes by Lois Lane’s place and she is sleeping with some other reporter. The issue ends with more sulking.

This issue was the one splashed across the TV, internet, and papers. So why did they make it the most boring ass one? I love reading but Jesus, this starts as being way too wordy. I don’t care about the history of The Daily Planet whatsoever. I almost stopped reading this one. It was just dull.

Teen Titans

Does DC have a problem writing teams that don’t have the word “Justice” or “Suicide” in the front? There are a lot of teen Metahumans floating around and jacking stuff up. This issue features Kid Flash botching a burning building rescue. He isn’t likable like he is on the cartoon of the same name. Red Robin has his home invaded and gets away by flying. When the hell did he get wings?! Wonder Girl gets rescued by Red Robin after stealing a car and taking down a helicopter.

The issue ends with a tie in to the awesome Superboy comic. Damn it! The story was way rushed and the art was strange. The teens looked like weird ass adults. For being so mart they have Red Robin (I hate that name) act more like Jason Todd in his recklessness. Wonder Girl, who hates that name, doesn't tell him what to call her instead. Kid Flash is a dick.

All Star Western

Jonah Hex. Know him? I don’t either. He’s a cowboy with a scar. I know he had a movie I couldn’t watch for more than ten minutes. If this comic was a film I would have left the theater. In old Gotham hookers are being killed. Hex and a dweeb go around trying to find information about the killer. What I mean by find information is Hex goes around beating people up and being an unlikable character. A hooker that gives him information dies and he sees that all the powerful men in Gotham have the same ring as the alleged killer. I just didn’t care for this issue. This didn’t sell me on Jonah Hex or make me care to figure out how it ends.

Black Hawks

Bombs. Fighting. Biting. Secret agents. Cell phone cameras. Chick gets infected. There. That’s the entire issue. A bunch of characters that would be background victims get their own comic for some reason. DC, you cant have a cell phone picture ruin something that’s supposed to be super secret in two of your debuts (as they did in Red Hood’s comic). This comic didn’t need to be written or drawn. Its just nonsense. DC cant afford to put crap like this out.

Superman, Swamp Thing, Batgirl, Stormwatch Issue 1

Mr. Soot in his never-ending quest to ensure that I do not see the light of day handed me a stack of new DC Comics featuring the new 52. The next series of blogs will feature more than one comic so as to not bombard you all with a dozen links. Might as well start off with the Boy Scout.

                             Superman Action Comics 1

I will be the first to admit that I am not a huge fan of Superman. My biggest complaint is that he spends so much time with all these cool powers but he doesn’t do anything unless its some massive event or invasion. With the help of Grant Morrison and Rags Morales this has been fixed! Introducing a Superman that actually does something for the little man!

The issue starts with a young and reckless Superman wearing a cape and jeans with loafers threatening to drop a dirty city employee that has people on his payroll off a balcony if he doesn’t confess. The city has heard of Superman and are afraid of him. What I like is that he isn’t taking himself too seriously.

After escaping the police and being hit with bullets and eventually a missile from a tank he makes it back to his apartment and pays rent. Meanwhile (you have no idea how hard it is for me to not say “At the Hall Of Justice!” right now…) Lex Luthor, hired by Lois Lane’s military father, is gathering footage of Superman and comparing him to various infestations that threw the eco-system off kilter.

In this version of Superman he can be hurt and still does not know the limit of his abilities. A rocket does hurt him. And a runaway train pins him against a wall where he is trapped unconscious at the end. For someone like me to say that a Superman comic is worth getting that is high praise. I have never in my life wanted to read a Superman comic (except when he died and I hoped that Batman had something to do with it). This is a fantastic start to the series.

Swamp Thing 1

I have to say that I do not know much about Swamp Thing. I saw a movie when I was little and maybe a cartoon but that’s about it. This issue is a great introduction to the character and almost immediately establishes the fact that he is a big player when Superman arrives to check in on him.

In Metropolis birds are falling from the skies. In The Batcave bats are dropping from the ceiling. In the sea fish are rotting and dying. Dr. Alan Holland, he who is Swamp Thing, knows all of this. He can feel and hear plant life and wants to ignore it. An excavation site is desecrated and a team ends up walking into a living mammoth man covered in flies that when they get in your body, uh, make your head turn around owl-style. They use very few frames to show this but I’ll be damned if it doesn’t look painful!

Back at his hotel Holland tries to sleep but is having nightmares of his “death” and transformation into Swamp Thing. He awakens in his room which is now covered with plant life. In a rage he takes the chemical that helped transform him and threatens to throw it into a lake when suddenly Swamp Thing appears and says “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” At the very least I hoped to be interested in this comic. I am. I actually want to read a damned Swamp Thing comic. Way to go Scott Snyder and Yanick Paquette.

Batgirl 1

Quick: what do you know about Batgirl? If your answer was that she was played by that chubby girl from Clueless than I pity you. Years ago Batgirl aka Barbara Gordon aka Commissioner Gordon’s daughter was shot and paralyzed by The Joker in The Killing Joke. She is now able to walk and under the training of Batman is fighting crime.

While Batgirl is fighting crime and stopping a gang or bored teens who have been murdering families and sometimes leaving a survivor someone called The Mirror is killing people. He has a list of names and Barbara Gordon is one of them.

She moves out of her father’s home and into a new apartment with a roommate and immediately has to spring into action. One of the boys she captured is in a hospital that is being attacked by the Mirror. After arriving she comes face to face with him and he aims his gun exactly where she was shot before. And she freezes from fear. An officer screams at her “You let him kill that man. You just watched him die. Murderer!” The issue ends with her between the barrels of a psychopath and a cop.

This was a cool story and a good introduction to the Batgirl character as they managed to cover a hell of a lot in one issue. The art is kinda strange at times and I would’ve loved if they got rid of her long, loud red hair, but that’s my only complaint. Still a good first issue by Gail Simone and Adrian Syaf.

Stormwatch 1

This is my shit right here! I am a huge fan of The Authority and Stormwatch and seeing them in the DC Universe being used properly gets me pregnant. The fact that Martian Manhunter is there as well just pushes it into shart yourself territory.

The Engineer watches as the team (including Jack Hawksmoor who can manipulate cities) try and recruit Apollo to help out. He has been busy fighting small crimes and they want him to help on a universal level which he wants no part of. The people running the show didn’t even think to recruit him until a fan fiction image of him beating Superman appeared. Jenny Sparks is here as well which rules since she is a very underrated heavy hitter in comics in general.

Meanwhile the moon is growing a giant clawed hand out of its surface. Team member Harry Tanner is taken over by a giant eye in the moons center that says that it prepares weaker planets for fights or as it puts it “I am here to make your world stronger through devastation. You should be afraid.” To which Tanner replies “Oh. I think I rather am.”

After teleporting to confront Apollo once again Martian Manhunter takes on his natural form to convince him to join the team. Suddenly the entire team is unconscious and standing over them is The Midnighter. Don’t know who The Midnighter is? Oh, nobody. Just one of the coolest characters ever created. The issue ends with him saying “I’m the Midnighter. With your help I can kill every evil bastard on the planet. Interested?”

Awesome first issue and I will so be waiting for the next! There are so many places this story can go that I can barely begin to think of where it might. The addition of Martian Manhunter and the appearance of The Midnight have me so hyper. Paul Cornell and Miguel Sepulveda made characters I haven’t cared about in ten years relevant again.