Its The Small Things

I’m a grown ass man. I’ve been on this planet for over 30 years and growing up I was denied a lot of shit that I wanted. Things like candy, toys, and just regular crap kids want like Disneyland and trips to the theater. So when I first got my own place the day before my 21st birthday I went and bought a bunch of stuff that I wanted but didn’t need. I got a bunch of wrestling toys and whatever things I could find from my youth that I had wanted but didn’t get. Till this day when I see something I want and can buy I will get it. Again, because I’m a grown ass man.

Above is a big box of Fruity Pebbles that I bought today while shopping. Yeah, I bought a lot of stuff and almost bought a new TV. I got some chocolate body spray, bags of candy for my jar at work, a new iron, oh and a fucking Thor hammer! Camille spotted some kid walking around with one and I hunted down where they were being kept. Then I almost accidentally stole it. I was so used to walking around with it on my wrist that I almost didn’t pay for it. Later I had a great lunch with my best friend and enjoyed life in general. This was a good weekend.

The point of this, if there is one, is that its all about the little things in life. That box of cereal, sais I got from San Francisco years ago, Right Hand of Doom from Trish, and Mjolnir make me happy. And these objects are probably why I’m still single. One of many reasons. Either way I am happy to have things like this in my home.

Worst Christmas Gifts Of Dante's Childhood

It’s the holiday season and when I think of holidays I think of family. And when I think of family I think of being disappointed. So I decided to make a list of the Worst Christmas Gifts I ever received. Yeah, I know all that nonsense about the spirit of giving and it being Jay-Zus’ birthday, but whatevs. Chrsitmas was all about bugging the fuck out of my mother until she snapped and screamed “Open your goddamn stuff!” I don’t know about you, but nothing says the holidays better than having your mother take the Lord’s name in vain at 5a.m!

Laser Tag. Me and my brother each received a Laser tag set. The set included a gun and a sensor that let you know when you got hit. The only bad thing about this was that he never wanted to play with his damned Laser Tag so I was forced to just shoot myself in the chest or shoot at the mirror setting the sensor off. Made me realize that the best gift for a child with a lazy brother was one that you could play with by yourself. Well, my brother wasn’t lazy. I just don’t think he liked me that much. I remember driving the neighbors dog fucking bonkers because of the beeping sounds it made when you were shot.

"La-la-lala-la-la!!!"

I can wrap my childhood and my relationship with my parents up in one item: Smurf Big Wheel. Why would my parents buy this for me? What went through their minds when picking this gay ass toy for their child? Were they trying to be funny? Did they think I liked boys? I’ll always wonder...

I remember when me and my brother would get stuff growing up. If he got a bike, I would get a bike. If he got a toy, I would, too. When he got the Grammy Michael Jackson I got the Thriller one. Loved that thing. But when it came to this whole Big Wheel situation I was left scratching my head. You see, my brother got a Dukes of Hazard Big Wheel. It was awesome! Black tires with orange and red tassels on it. It looked like it went fast.

My Smurf bike?

It looked like it couldn’t crush a flower. The tires got dirty immediately. They were friggin’ white! Of all the colors to buy a kid like me. I ruined them the first day. Oh, yeah, I still rode the thing but you can damn sure bet I made sure no one that would laugh was outside while I was on it.

And my brother turned out to be the gay one.

Rockets.

Rammin' Speed!!!

“Slaves to the King of Kings. And slaves to love. Steer the ship by the sweat. Of our brow and beat of the drum. War against sin with the weapons of our unity. Right on the mark with a love for humanity. Building up to ramming speed. The power of God is ramming speed.” - Ramming Speed by Deliverance

Ram-Man's first appearance is in the early Mattel mini-comic "He-Man Meets Ram Man". In this comic Ram-Man is portrayed as a loner who lives on a stretch of barren land.

He will attack anyone who crosses his land, believing their intention is to fight him, and although his past is not delved into it is implied he had retreated to this stretch of land after being continuously victimized by others. The story began with He-Man crossing his land, and despite stating his peace, Ram-Man disbelieves him and attacks him. Left with no choice but to fight Ram-Man, He-Man fights back and quickly beats him.

Humiliated by this defeat, Ram-Man swears to get revenge on He-Man, and his confusion is taken advantage of by Skeletor, who was spying on the fight. Skeletor tricks Ram-Man into believing He-Man is evil, and leads him to Castle Grayskull, where he forces Ram-Man into ramming the jaw bridge repeatedly to gain entry to the castle, where Ram-Man believes He-Man is. When The Sorceress witnesses Skeletor's attempt to break into Grayskull, she calls He-Man to her aid, who releases Ram-Man from Skeletor's clutches and drives away the villain. Realizing he had been tricked and that He-Man means him no harm, Ram-Man befriends He-Man and joins the Heroic Warriors.

I’m a huge Ram Man mark. I’m not even sure why. When I was little I don’t remember asking for his toy. He was on the cartoon, like, once. But there was something about him that made me bound with his character. Maybe it was the fact that we were both short. Maybe it was the fact that we both had hard ass heads. Maybe it was the way neither if us could bend our elbows. Whatever it was, it always stuck with me.

Ram Man came with an axe. A big ass axe. But I lost it. Maybe I didn’t lose it. My brother Luther had a strange habit of biting the weapons of my toys like He-Man, Voltron, and G.I Joe. I’d be looking for my toys and they would either be in his mouth or on the floor with teeth marks all over them. It never failed. He would eat my toys!

Ram Man didn’t need no damned axe though. Ram Man was a human weapon. A one man gang. Look at that head! He could knock down walls if he felt like it. The cool thing about the toy was the switch on his heel. You’d crunch him down making him even shorter (way to go, God…), and then press that switch and he would, uh, ram. Pretty simple. Don’t knock his hustle. If they had a guy named Push Fella or Shove Lad you wouldn’t talk shit. Why you gotta hate on Ram Man?

Whenever I see Ram Man I smile. He reminds me that for as much as I bitch about my childhood that there was something that made me smile. I love Ram Man.

Rockets.