Thursday, November 3, 2016

Dante Bitches About Maxim Hot 100 2016


I can this close to not bitching about Maxim Magazine and their Maxim Hot 100 this year. I have spent so much of it enjoying myself and/or complaining about so many other things in the world this slipped on by. I do one of these every year for the past few and each time they manage to get worse. This one has to be by far the worse list they have none not just because there is barely any goddamn variety but also because I don't know who the fuck most of these women even are.

I'm gonna do like normal and cover some of the women from 100 all the way to the top ten because by that point I'll be good and pissed off at the amount of not ass this list has. Seriously. Almost every woman on this list are like palette swaps of the same person but with deeper tans than others. This thing really makes me believe more and more that its made up. And before you ask none of these hot ass women made the list.


The sad thing is that I know who the bottom of this list, 100 to 90, are the ones I know best. At 100 is Olivia Wilde which for some reason I get the feeling bugs the hell out of her since she was 14 just two years ago. Ranking, not age you sick asses. The rest are Sofia Vergara which is a fucking travesty. Lais Ribeiro, Toni Garrn, Kendall Jenner for the sickos out there, Zoe Saldana because like the moon she can be beautiful or terrifying, Rita Ora who is one of the cutest women alive, Liya Kebede, Natasha Poly who I've never heard of and don't know what they do. Olivia Munn who creeps me right the fuck out is 91. Demi Lovato who is fine as all hell is number 90. Seeing as how I am all about three of these women the rest needed to make my pants explode off my body. Sadly, that is not the case.


89 is Selena Gomez and it is always creepy when people talk about how sexy she is because she looks like a child to me. Jessica Alba dropped almost eighty spots since last year for some reason. Lara Stone is next and I don't know who she is. Ashley Graham is on here at 86 and that makes me happy because her body is a playground for me. Nina Agdal makes me smile because she looks like a kitty cat. Gal Gadot aka the franchise killer is here as well as Alexandra Daddario, Sasha Luss, Kaley Cuoco, and Cindy Bruna. So far this list is not impressive.


79 through 70 are Priyanka Chopra, Eva Longoria (huh?!), Olivia Culpo, Shay Mitchell, Bojana Krsmanovic, Taylor Swift (da fuk?!) who was 1 last year, Bella Hadid, Edita Vilkeviciute (it sounds like I am just making sounds at this point), Magdalena Frackowiak, and Charlotte McKinney. This is where we get to the part where the chicks weigh less than 105 pounds.


69 through 60 are Amber Heard who I have heard of, That pun was not intended. Beyoncé Knowles because thank god for some variety, Josephine Skriver, Behati Prinsloo, Hilary Rhoda, Penélope Cruz because lies, Ana Beatriz Barros, Mila Kunis because we are in 2006 again, Aline Weber, and Camille Rowe. One of the craziest things about lists like these is looking at the year they were born. Like when I was in high school they were being pooped out.


59 through 50 are Jasmine Sanders, Lana Del Rey, Kate Upton who used to be in my Spank Bank, Miranda Kerr, Elsa Hosk, Izabel Goulart, Emmy Rossum, Anja Rubik, Candice Swanepoel, and Jourdan Dunn. I wish I knew what made people drop so low on this list like Upton or come out of nowhere like most of these women that I don't know.


49 through 40 are Emily Didonato, Doutzen Kroes, Joan Smalls, Marloes Horst, Rachael Taylor, Martha Hunt, Gisele Bundchen, Taylor Marie Hill, Lindsay Ellingson, and Isabeli Fontana. Besides Gisele I don't know who the fuck these people are! And she looks mean and hard to me.


This is getting near crunch time. 39 through 30 are Liu Wen, Kate Grigoreva, Lily Donaldson, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, Chanel Iman who is fine as fuck but has zero hips, Scarlett Johansson who will always be my First Lady, Lily Aldridge, Cameron Russell, Sandra Kubicka, and Karmen Pedaru. ScarJo and Iman almost make up for 50 mistakes on this list. Almost. I doubt I am gonna be happy about anyone that is left.


20 through 20 are Hannah Davis, Karlie Kloss, Bar Refaeli, Jessica Hart who has “that London look”, Sara Sampaio, Hailey Baldwin, Rihanna because what the fuck, right? Erin Heatherton, Karolina Kurkova, and Shanina Shaik round this off. Shaik is actually pretty damned fine. I don't know what she does but I'm sure it involves doing shit I have no interest in.


We are at 19 through 11 which means you have to be light as a feather and stiff as a board to be here. Am I model shaming? Possibly. Do I care? No. Daniela Braga, Hailey Clauson, Anna Luisa Ewers, Gigi Hadid, Alyssa Miller, Adriana Lima, Ming Xi, Lindsey Wixson, and Constance Jablonski are all here. I know who Gigi is and her sister was on this list too. She looks like pure trouble.


This is the top 10. Crunch time. Pizza time. Peanut butter jelly time. We have Cara Delevingne so fuck these last ten immediately. Devon Windsor, Ciara (the fuck is this, 2007?!), Georgia May Jagger, Sasha Pivovarova who always looks like someone just took her ice cream, Alessandra Ambrosio, Barbara Palvin, Margot Robbie who I totally agree with, Irina Shayk, and coming in at number 1 is...Stella Maxwell? The hell is she? I honestly have never heard of her. Is she in Instagram? Let me check. Nope just a model with the face of a child.


I seriously hate this list. This isn't a list about women that are smart, powerful, or charitable or any of that stuff. I know this. I would at least like to know who half these ladies are. If they are going to have like 80 models that no one has heard of just make a separate list just for them. Make a model Maxim list and one for actresses and performers. Sprinkling in some random actual famous folk in this just makes it more obvious that this list is bullshit.

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