I came this close to not bitching about
Maxim Magazine and their Maxim Hot 100 this year. I have spent so
much of it enjoying myself and/or complaining about so many other
things in the world this slipped on by. I do one of these every year
for the past few and each time they manage to get worse. This one has
to be by far the worse list they have none not just because there is
barely any goddamn variety but also because I don't know who the fuck
most of these women even are.
I'm gonna do like normal and cover some
of the women from 100 all the way to the top ten because by that
point I'll be good and pissed off at the amount of not ass this list
has. Seriously. Almost every woman on this list are like palette
swaps of the same person but with deeper tans than others. This thing
really makes me believe more and more that its made up. And before
you ask none of these hot ass women made the list.
The sad thing is that I know who the
bottom of this list, 100 to 90, are the ones I know best. At 100 is
Olivia Wilde which for some reason I get the feeling bugs the hell
out of her since she was 14 just two years ago. Ranking, not age you
sick asses. The rest are Sofia Vergara which is a fucking travesty.
Lais Ribeiro, Toni Garrn, Kendall Jenner for the sickos out there,
Zoe Saldana because like the moon she can be beautiful or terrifying,
Rita Ora who is one of the cutest women alive, Liya Kebede, Natasha
Poly who I've never heard of and don't know what they do. Olivia Munn
who creeps me right the fuck out is 91. Demi Lovato who is fine as
all hell is number 90. Seeing as how I am all about three of these
women the rest needed to make my pants explode off my body. Sadly,
that is not the case.
89 is Selena Gomez and it is always
creepy when people talk about how sexy she is because she looks like
a child to me. Jessica Alba dropped almost eighty spots since last
year for some reason. Lara Stone is next and I don't know who she is.
Ashley Graham is on here at 86 and that makes me happy because her
body is a playground for me. Nina Agdal makes me smile because she
looks like a kitty cat. Gal Gadot aka the franchise killer is here as well
as Alexandra Daddario, Sasha Luss, Kaley Cuoco, and Cindy Bruna. So
far this list is not impressive.
79 through 70 are Priyanka Chopra, Eva
Longoria (huh?!), Olivia Culpo, Shay Mitchell, Bojana Krsmanovic,
Taylor Swift (da fuk?!) who was 1 last year, Bella Hadid, Edita
Vilkeviciute (it sounds like I am just making sounds at this point), Magdalena Frackowiak, and Charlotte McKinney. This is
where we get to the part where the chicks weigh less than 105 pounds.
69 through 60 are Amber Heard who I
have heard of, That pun was not intended. Beyoncé Knowles because thank god for some variety,
Josephine Skriver, Behati Prinsloo, Hilary Rhoda, Penélope Cruz
because lies, Ana Beatriz Barros, Mila Kunis because we are in 2006
again, Aline Weber, and Camille Rowe. One of the craziest things
about lists like these is looking at the year they were born. Like
when I was in high school they were being pooped out.
59 through 50 are Jasmine Sanders, Lana
Del Rey, Kate Upton who used to be in my Spank Bank, Miranda Kerr,
Elsa Hosk, Izabel Goulart, Emmy Rossum, Anja Rubik, Candice
Swanepoel, and Jourdan Dunn. I wish I knew what made people drop so
low on this list like Upton or come out of nowhere like most of these
women that I don't know.
49 through 40 are Emily Didonato,
Doutzen Kroes, Joan Smalls, Marloes Horst, Rachael Taylor, Martha
Hunt, Gisele Bundchen, Taylor Marie Hill, Lindsay Ellingson, and
Isabeli Fontana. Besides Gisele I don't know who the fuck these
people are! And she looks mean and hard to me.
This is getting near crunch time. 39
through 30 are Liu Wen, Kate Grigoreva, Lily Donaldson, Rosie
Huntington-Whiteley, Chanel Iman who is fine as fuck but has zero
hips, Scarlett Johansson who will always be my First Lady, Lily
Aldridge, Cameron Russell, Sandra Kubicka, and Karmen Pedaru. ScarJo
and Iman almost make up for 50 mistakes on this list. Almost. I doubt
I am gonna be happy about anyone that is left.
20 through 20 are Hannah Davis, Karlie
Kloss, Bar Refaeli, Jessica Hart who has “that London look”, Sara
Sampaio, Hailey Baldwin, Rihanna because what the fuck, right? Erin
Heatherton, Karolina Kurkova, and Shanina Shaik round this off. Shaik
is actually pretty damned fine. I don't know what she does but I'm
sure it involves doing shit I have no interest in.
We are at 19 through 11 which means you
have to be light as a feather and stiff as a board to be here. Am I
model shaming? Possibly. Do I care? No. Daniela Braga, Hailey
Clauson, Anna Luisa Ewers, Gigi Hadid, Alyssa Miller, Adriana Lima,
Ming Xi, Lindsey Wixson, and Constance Jablonski are all here. I know
who Gigi is and her sister was on this list too. She looks like pure
trouble.
This is the top 10. Crunch time. Pizza
time. Peanut butter jelly time. We have Cara Delevingne so fuck these
last ten immediately. Devon Windsor, Ciara (the fuck is this,
2007?!), Georgia May Jagger, Sasha Pivovarova who always looks like
someone just took her ice cream, Alessandra Ambrosio, Barbara Palvin,
Margot Robbie who I totally agree with, Irina Shayk, and coming in at
number 1 is...Stella Maxwell? The hell is she? I honestly have never
heard of her. Is she in Instagram? Let me check. Nope just a model
with the face of a child.
I seriously hate this list. This isn't
a list about women that are smart, powerful, or charitable or any of
that stuff. I know this. I would at least like to know who half these
ladies are. If they are going to have like 80 models that no one has
heard of just make a separate list just for them. Make a model Maxim
list and one for actresses and performers. Sprinkling in some random
actual famous folk in this just makes it more obvious that this list
is bullshit.
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