Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Kids These Days 73

I have written about candy from my childhood before (click here to check that out). This time I am going to write about some more. One of them I forgot existed for good reasons because it tasted like Satan's pantyline. When I think of my childhood and all the candy I consumed it is shocking that I'm not 300 pounds and the owner of all the diabetes. There are enough candies that have been discontinued for whatever reasons. They probably caused long since gone diseases or something. Who knows? Either way I still want 'em back. Mostly. 

Cherry Clan. Nothing like good ol' fashioned racist candy, right? These were fucking delicious. Of course they could never release something like this with that packaging even if they changed it because of old assholes like me. This was in the same family of candy as Lemon HeadsJohnny Apple Treats, and Alexander The Grape. Yes, these were all candies that once existed and you won't get to try unless you like in Bumfuck, Tennessee or buy them off of eBay and I assure you they'll be covered in dust and those diseases that no longer exist I mentioned. 

Just thinking off these is making my mouth water. I'm not sure what they were coated in but your hand would be deep red which was kinda cool because it was like having extra candy when you licked your hand clean. We didn't wash our hands in the 80's which we all know is the cause of AIDS. Its science. It didn't really taste like cherry so much as, well, sugar. It was white on the inside just like the candies I mentioned above and colored on the outside. Top ten no longer around candies.

Pumpkin Candy. This shit didn't taste like pumpkins. It only came around during Halloween which kind of points to the fact that god is real because only an uncaring universe would make this available year round. It tasted like candy corn. Fuck, it was candy corn. Just in a different shape. 

And just like candy corn I would forget how much I hated it until I took a bite. Then I would get mad at myself for forgetting that this was just sugar coated wax. You chewed it and it turned from wax to sand which seems like something that shouldn't even happen really. I would start off by biting the top green part assuming in my stupid child brain that it would taste different from the orange part. No. It tasted all the same no matter what color it was. It tasted like aggression. If an unwanted hug had a flavor it would be pumpkin candy. 

Push Pops. What a delightful candy! I remember vividly leaving for school a few minutes early so that we could sneak to the liquor store nearby and wasting my change on on of these. It seemed like it lasted forever and when you were done you had a toy with the ability to knock your front teeth out. When this was done, meaning you'd eaten enough sugar to make a hummingbird check its pulse, you were left with a tiny plastic nub that could be sucked in and out quickly for no reason at all. You suck too fast and you'd hit your already weak teeth. I know there are some people that can relate to that last sentence for other reasons, knowwhatimsayin'? 

The red one was my favorite and this, like many other candies back in the day, started going downhill when they created the blue ones. I shit you not, at one point everything became blue! Its like years ago when white chocolate was all over everything including Reese's which was terrible because it looked like you were eating used toilet paper. The blue was sometimes labeled as blueberry which was as close to blueberry in flavor as I am to an ambitious male. It also had a cool clip on the side because in the 80's clipping shit was a thing. 

Brach's Sunday Neapolitan Coconut. If the act of leaving your newborn child at a fire station had a taste it would be these. If the cry of a house pet lost in the woods could attain physical form it would look like these. This “candy” tasted like adoption. No. It tastes like the experience of being adopted and then having your new family abandon you...at a fire station. Fuck every bite of these things. It was like someone asked if you liked the taste of coconut, you said no, then they asked “Okay, well how about if I shit in your mouth while you chew it?” I don't know who works at Brach's cranking out such shitty candy but they have to be related to Nazi war criminals. I just checked and this is the same company that makes the aforementioned candy corn as well as those disgusting hearts on Valentine's Day. Is there anyone that actually likes those gross things made from chalk leavings? Coconut candy is gross for the most part but they had to go and add coloring and give it the consistency of already chewed food.

Click here for previous Kids These Days Posts.  

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