Sunday, May 31, 2015

Kids These Days 55

I know that when I do some of these posts I talk about all the good things that kids nowadays don't get to have that I did and feel bad for them. But there are some things that kids today are lucky they don't have to deal with like terrible candies and snacks that existed back in the day. There were some things so bad that the tastes still exist in my mind's tongue. I have found five of the ones I think were the worst ones. Mind you, this is just candy. There were plenty of other things that went in my mouth that tasted terrible. Wait...

Flavor Aid. You poor bastard. Figuratively and literally. If someone told you they had Kool Aid and you got this you got your first taste of actual rage as a child. This was more like Fool-Aid than anything else. 

You would have to add so much sugar to make this drinkable you might as well have just threw it away and just drank sugar water. It tricked you because it looked like it should be sweet but it didn't even smell like Kool-Aid. It smelled like a beach. Venice Beach. They wouldn't even send this shit to starving children. If you've never had to drink this because you could afford the real thing or because you just knew better count yourself as lucky. And don't be fooled by its claim to contain vitamin C. That's a lie and a half. I'm sure herpes has some useful vitamins in it, too. 

Candy Necklace. Fuck these things. You want some good candy? Too bad. You get okay candy that you can wear. Make it look like you just never bothered to wash your neck. They tasted like chalk and felt weird on your teeth. 

Oh, and the string. They had a cheap ass string that ran through them that would break suddenly. Why? Because you were chewing on it! Now you got an ashy neck, a bad taste in your mouth, and candy all over the front porch and you know you have to hurry up and pick it up or else the ants will come. Sorry. Had a flashback. Each time you bit into it the sound was exactly the noise a tooth made when it cracked. If these weren't on a necklace and someone offered them to you you'd spit them out, slap them in the face, and ask where the antidote was. If a dental visit had a taste it'd be these. 

A&W Gum. This would make you say the n-word out loud. There were all kinds of gooey gums based off of soda like Dr. Pepper, 7Up, and Cherry 7Up. This shit tasted like someone belched in your mouth. A Taco Bell belch. This was the best way to say “Fuck you!” to your taste-buds. 

Some people online say Gatorgum from the makers of Gatorade was bad. That shit was scrumptious! You know how often I get to use that word? Not never! You would bite into this odd tasting gum and greeted with a gloopy squirt of root beer flavored nonsense. And they were so damned big! As a child it would take up 30% of your mouth with nightmare juice. It was like hearing a fart then smelling it. And good luck getting the flavor out of your mouth. These were the Occupy Wallstreet of taste. Seems like a good idea, but after a while you just wonder when it'll end.

Astro Pops. A gross lollipop becomes a deadly weapons in about a minute! I absolutely hated these things but would eat them just because I knew that if I twirled it in my mouth it would be sharper than British humor and I could stab my cousins. 

I can't even tell you what flavor this was. It was some kinda fruit. And when you got to the very bottom of it, oh you brave soul, you were greeted with a delicious piece of wax. Wax! There was wax at the end of this! God forbid I really enjoyed this. It'd be like eating ice cream that had a rock at the bottom of it. I don't understand why you would do this to someone you didn't know. And don't you dare try biting through it. It was impossible. It would just take your teeth and hold it there. Your teeth would actually get stuck to the candy until it got tired of hearing you whimper. 

Brach's Jelly Nougat. The devil. If hate had a taste and flavor it would be this. This is something that can not be loved by anyone. If I met someone that said that these were delicious I'd have proof that evil walked this Earth. These things tasted so damned nasty. There wasn't a piece of these that tasted good. Those weird little fruit things inside of them did no favors.

If science could somehow bottle what the flavor of sorrow was, it'd be this. If the songs slaves sang on their way to America could attain a physical form, it would be this candy. You can almost hear the waves smashing against the ships with every bite you take. Swing low...sweet chariot. The amount of these that you see in this picture are enough to ruin a hundred gatherings. Anyone that likes these burns insects. There's just something wrong with you. If physical pain left a taste it would choose to taste like these. 

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