Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Dante Vs. Nature 72

The thing that I don't like about the outdoors is that nature is always hiding some weird shit from me. Like this thing. It's called the Patagonian mara. For sure pick a species. For sure you're a dog. For sure you're a rabbit. Either way my ass is not going near this. It looks shifty. Like it could either twitch its nose at you wanting some lettuce or start barking at your ass. Definitely bark. 

It can get two and a half feet big and weigh 35 pounds. Fuck that. It only has four digits on its front paws and three on the back because nature likes funsies as much as the next guy. Look at them legs. It's not structurally sound. If the mara was a building I'd be afraid to go in it. Now I wanna know what sounds this creature makes. If it doesn't bark its just pretending for the cameras. I wrote about this freak a while ago.

Good morning, hell beast. How are you doing, HP Lovecraft? This thing is called an Ocean Sunfish which is too nice of a name for something that looks like it eats smaller, uglier fish. It is also called a Mola Mola which is likely the sound it makes. It can weigh between 545 and 2,205 pounds. That is some bullshit. 

They eat mostly jellyfish and have a shitty diet so they have to eat a lot of jellyfish to maintain their unholy weight. The chicks can lay up to 300,000,000 million eggs at a time which are a tenth of an inch when they hatch and will grow a million times their weight by the time they are an adult. About about a million I mean 60 million. Think about that for a second. Actually, no. Don't. Its too much math. These things can be eaten but I don't eat ugly things. Except that one girl but I was in my 20's and in a strange place in my life...

Click here for previous Dante Vs. Nature.

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