Sunday, June 3, 2018

Dante Saves You: Jurassic Park Edition

It has been years since I have tried to save you all and look at what's happened. Wars all over the world. A freak for a president. Hawaii is being very Hawaiian. It's nuts. So I have returned once again to try and teach you goofy bastards how to save yourself from yourselves because y'all like to leave the house and when that happens weird and violent shit occurs. In this Dante Saves You I'll save you from the various Jurassic Parks. Why? Because there are fucking dinosaurs there and you need to not go but decided to anyway because you wanted a selfie with something that could eat you and be hungry again before it even shits you out.

So You're At Jurassic Park

“During a preview tour, a theme park suffers a major power breakdown that allows its cloned dinosaur exhibits to run amok.” So you are invite to this new place to check it out and make sure shit is going smooth so investors can calm down and keep investing in this murder factory. Turns out that there are for real ass dinosaurs running around. Who cares that they don't have feathers. Feathers on dinosaurs are whack so stop fucking with my childhood! The brontosaurus is real to me, damn it! Anyhoot, some assclown decides to steal some samples and turns off the security measures so now you have to somehow not get turned into future fertilizer.


I would say not to go here in the first place but it's too late. You here. There is a massive goddamn T-Rex running around serving looks. Raptors which became a cool thing all of a sudden even though they were just chihuahuas on speed. All you have to do is be quiet which means anyone that wheezes or is startled easily is bait or a sacrifice for the greater good...meaning your survival. And stay away from the kids. Yeah, kids are here. And they are rambunctious and resourceful and will sell you out if given a chance. Get away from them and lock yourself in a room until shit settles down. Y2K this. Shit.

So You're In The Lost World

“A research team is sent to the Jurassic Park Site B island to study the dinosaurs there while another team approaches with another agenda.” Turns out there is another goddamn island where the dinosaurs are allowed to just live and bang and make more dinosaurs unsupervised. There is also a group of guys there to steal some dinosaurs and bring them back to San Diego for a zoo because people love seeing wild things in captivity. Why are you there? You wanna see if you can help keep extinct killing machines alive longer.


Stay your ass at home! Okay. Fine. You here already. You do not have an impressive team and the mercenaries are made up of cannon fodder so make sure to use them as distractions. Who is the little Black girl? Don't worry about it. She is athletic which is really rare for Black people so use her to attract dinosaurs while you make your escape. And stay away from the dude with the knee high socks. He is obviously unprepared for this level of anarchy. Find out who has the biggest gun and steal it. After that you can find a wounded dinosaur, save it from attack, and it'll become your friend because that is how nature works. I've seen it online. It works. If you save an animal it'll never attack you. And that family that found this place on accident? Take whatever mode of transportation they used and get the fuck outta there with your new friend Stegosaurus named Pooter.

So You're At Jurassic Park...Again

“A decidedly odd couple with ulterior motives convince Dr. Grant to go to Isla Sorna, resulting in an unexpected landing, and unexpected new inhabitants on the island.” You just chilling at home minding your business when this couple tells you they wanna see the dinosaur infested island from a plane. They lie like a rug. Turns out that their son is on the dinosaur island and missing. You should tell them to go to hell/call the police but for whatever reason you are feeling heroic. A dinosaur knocks the plane out of the sky and now you have to deal with these bickering assholes and a brand new dinosaur because the previous ones weren't deadly enough.


After you run out of oxygen from yelling at these two idiots you run away from them as fast as possible. You might feel bad letting that kids parents become future poo but you'll get over it eventually. Oh, I forgot to mention that a new dinosaur called a Spinosaurus is here. Yeah. Shit just got real. Remember that T-Rex that was so bad ass before? This kills that. Breaks his crazy neck. Stay away from that thing because for some reason the stranger a dinosaur looks the more dangerous it is. It's like Rick James...with a knife. Go back home while seeing that flying dinosaurs are heading to the mainland because sharing is caring.

So You're At Jurassic World

“A new theme park, built on the original site of Jurassic Park, creates a genetically modified hybrid dinosaur, which escapes containment and goes on a killing spree.” So after everything that has transpired what with all the attacks and death caused by dinosaurs the next logical step is to open up a theme park for the public. I'm sure that absolutely nothing could go wrong so let's head there. We can get t-shirts, drinks, and even watch shows where smaller dinosaurs are killed by larger ones! Everything is fine until the animals shockingly get free and start killing visitors to the park.


If your name isn't Chris Pratt and you do not have the ability to control raptors with your ruggedly good looks you should probably try to leave this place as fast as you can. Oh, I forgot to mention. They created another new dinosaur. You're gonna love it. It has the abilities and was bred from T-Rex, velociraptor, carnotaurus, giganotosaurus, majungasaurus, rugops, and therizinosaurus, cuttlefish, tree frogs, and a pit viper snake fixings. It can open cages and get this...turn invisible. Why? Science!!! The best case scenario for this terrible ass adventure is to make it home with most of your body parts attached and suing the fuck out of this place. Unless you have to sign waivers beforehand in which case you're boned. Should have went to Arby's. There's a 43% less chance of dying there.

Click here for previous Dante Saves You.

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