The Spank Bank's Fiscal Cliff

I have had people ask me what a Spank Bank is. Urban Dictionary describes it as “A memorable collection of mental images that one wishes to retain for masturbational purposes.” That is the perfect definition. I have written about my own personal SB's in the past and they involved everything from musicians, actresses, to fictional characters. Unless we're related no one is safe from a Spank Bank.

No one.

The thing with Spank Banks is that it rotates. Not everyone stays in the bank forever. You can have an ex-girlfriend in there for a long time after you split and then she gets replaced by someone you saw walking down the street. Its that easy. Its usually filled with women you know you cant have. At least that's my experience with it. If you have known me for more than three minutes you know that I kinda have a thing for Rosario Dawson.

Celebrity Spank Bank 3

The year 2011 will not be remembered for all the bullshit Occupy Movements. It will not be remembered for all the natural disasters. It will not be remembered for the random celebrity deaths. No. 2011 will be remembered as the year the Celebrity Spank Bank took its hardest hits ever. Seriously, it lost so many actresses and singers to marriage and pregnancies. Babies have been cockblocking for years now and it needs to end. With all this in mind I decided that it was time for a brand new class to be entered into the Spank Bank. Click here to see the first one and click here to see the second.

Emily Browning. You all may know her from Sucker Punch or the part of my brain I keep locked away because I value freedom too much. She’s in the new Sleeping Beauty movie which I may not see since I hear its about girls being drugged up and old men in their draws staring at them. Why would I pay good money to see what I do on weekends? The scary thing about this chick is that she will get hotter the older she gets. She is being inducted because she has staying power and will not be having kids anytime soon. Thigh high socks are the super championship edition of life!

Before & After

There are some actresses I had a crush on when I was little that disappeared only for me to rediscover them somehow and see how hot they turned out. This is a list of some of these women. Not everyone can turn from a caterpillar into a beautiful butterfly (Countess Vaughn...).

Soleil Moon Frye

I watched Punky Brewster in every form when I was a kid. I watched the show. I watched that horrible ass cartoon with the damn flying furry thing. I thought she was cute when I was little and saw her again on Wonder Years with the biggest knockers this side of Mississippi. She has since gotten a breast reduction but she is way hot.

Danica McKeller

Everyone remembers Winnie Cooper from Wonder Years. She was the definition of the girl next door and was so sweet. I was actually sad on the episode where her brother died in Vietnam. Winnie grew up hot! Sadly, she is with child now which means yet another name is stricken from the spank bank.

Keisha Knight Pulliam

Rudy grew up hot as hell! She had disappeared for years until she started popping up in rap videos. One day while working at the porn shop I saw a magazine cover wearing a bathing suit and I was like “That looks just like Ru…oh my god that’s Rudy!” Who’d have thought she’d turn out so cute?

Jenna Von Oy

She pops up in every list I make for some reason. Ha! Some reason my ass! Look at her! It took people a while to notice how hot she was but I had a crush on her when she was on Blossom. She sings and whatever but like certain performers (Nikki Minaj, Beyonce, Shakira) I’d rather just look at them and never hear them sing. Six has always been hot.

Tiffany Brissette

Yes, VICKI the Robot is alive and well. Now this chick seriously disappeared! It took years until she made some type of appearance and thankfully she wasn’t some 300lb. dame. (note: changed image on 10/7/14 after being told it was wrong Tiffany as an adult...years ago)

Are there any other chicks that I’m leaving out?

New Obsession

Once again my goofy ass is getting obsessed with famous people. You all may recall my Celebrity Spank Bank parts 1 and 2. I be liking famous people for no damned reason. Well, besides the fact they’re hot. This time I decided to write about three chicks from three very different walks of life. One is a singer, the other an actress, and the last a porn star. Somebody pray for me. Or not. Whatever

Pink

I’m not a huge fan of her music but I do like watching her videos and looking at pictures of her. She’s fucking cute. I do like her song “So What” and that video for the video “Stupid Girl.” The first time I even looked at her and my pants got tight was when I saw “Lady Marmalade.” I was like, “Whoa. When the hell did Pink get that cute?” Caught me totally off guard. Anyway, Pink is fucking cute (yes, fucking cute is a good thing) and I’m trying to find as many pictures of her online as I can.

Vanessa Ferlito

This chick was in “Death Proof” which I have yet to see. I saw her recently in “25th Hour.” I know there have been other things I’ve seen her in but can never remember but refuse to look her up online for more information. She is cute in the same way Fairuza Balk is. Its this certain look she has that makes me warm for her form.

Pinky

This is the porn star. I have been finding a lot of movies with her. Movies. Hell. Scenes. I have seen quite a few scenes with her in recent weeks and I’ll be damned if she doesn’t have a perfect body (for me). I know my friend Alex would die if she hit on him while I would scream like a little girl and do a dance that would hurt the world’s feelings. And she looks nice. Like, personality wise. She doesn’t look bitchy. A lot of porn stars tend to look like they’d be mean f you met them. Pinky doesn’t. And she has the kind of thighs I would flip vehicles over for.

Celebrity Spank Bank 2

Oh, I’m a terrible person. Last time I did my spank bank article I totally left some women out. Now in all fairness, I broke it down into races and stuff and some ladies were gonna get left off. This is my chance to make up for that. And I shall in true perverse fashion by presenting my Celebrity Spank Bank Part 2!


Fairuza Balk


This chick is crazy looking but very hot to me. When she was little she played Dorothy in “Return To Oz.” The last films I saw her in were “The Waterboy” with Adam Sandler and “The Craft.” She was in “American History X” but I haven’t seen that. What makes her hot? Her lips.


Rachel True


It is with a heavy heart that I have to admit that not only have I met (seen) her in person but she was not hot at all. She looked so damned different in person. She wasn’t even cute. I place her here because she was hot in “The Craft” and “Half Baked.” Such a shame really.


Shannyn Sossamon


I first saw Shannyn in “Rules Of Attraction” and thought she was hot in such a strange way. She doesn’t have a body I like totally or a style. But there is something about her that just makes me really like her. Her voice is cool. Yeah, that’s it. I like her voice. Insert sarcastic laughter.


Alicia Keys


Do I really need to explain? Can you not see the picture?!


Britney Spears (old)


Just like the Old Lindsey Lohan, I had to be specific and use the term old for this one. Britney is not the hotness now. This picture is hot and shows when she had a cute rump. Now? Not so much. I believe this picture was taken pre-crazy. Everything is better when its pre-crazy.


Cameron Diaz


Yeah, she is hot. Funny as well. She looked her best in “The Mask” where she was about 20lbs. heavier but she is still hot. Some people are annoyed by her. I call those people jealous. So there.


Drew Barrymore


Damn her. Sometimes she is so cute you want to put her in your pocket and others you’re like “What happened?!” And this happens weekly! Sometimes she is hot and sometimes she scares me. I still like her and will add her to this list because more often than not she is cute.


Gina Carano


She is a mixed martial artist and will beat your ass. She was on American Gladiators for a while (not sure if that show is still on the air or not). Check her out sometime. You will be impressed.


Janet Jackson


Been hot for decades. Just saw her on the AMA’s and wasn’t all that happy but still, when she needs to bring that sexiness back she will. Never sleep on Janet. She will hurt you.


Leila Ali


Had a crush on her for friggin’ years! Like Carano, she could beat your ass and take your money while looking good the entire damn time. Man, she is hot. Leave me alone.


Zoe Isabella Kravitz


Sound familiar? It’s Lisa Bonet’s daughter! She grew up hot and apparently is talented. I couldn’t tell you. But I do know that she is silly ass cute and it makes me smile. Her mama's hot too.


Jennifer Lopez


Hey, remember when every woman wanted to look like her? Not so much anymore. She fell on her ass last night at the AMA’s (not much of an ass anymore) but still looked kinda hot. I found an old picture of her but wont call her Old Jennifer Lopez because she hasn’t done anything crazy. Besides marry Marc Anthony. And date Diddy. Yeah, that was a bad idea, huh?


Anna Paquin


She has gotten hotter the older she gets. If you watch “Trueblood” you can see her do a batter southern accent better than the one she did in “X Men” and be in better shape. Guess when she played Rogue she didn’t give a damn.

Celebrity Spank Bank

Yeah, It’s my blog and I can pretty much write whatever I want. Isn’t that cool? Start you own blog and talk on my own show The Rosscast, make whatever silly ass movies I want, and write nonsense for you all to read. Now this list is based on the women I find attractive that are famous of kinda famous. I’ve done a list like this before (click here to read) but this is more thorough and broken down by race. For anyone wondering if you add up to these women in my eyes, don’t fret. I’m just some random Negro, remember?


Black


Serena Williams.

I remember when she first showed up after her sister and she wasn’t all that cute back then. Now? She is the hotness. Not a typical kinda hot. She’s muscular, can shout her ass off, and seems half crazy at times. But still, I’m not ever gonna date or meet Serena Williams. I just like to look at her. Nice things are put on the planet for us to look at, right? Ignore the old man in the picture unless that's what you're into.


Halle Barry.

She will be hot when she is 90. Good genes and all that crap. I’m not a huge fan of her acting by any means (“Make me feel gooooood!!!”). But as you will see, skill means nothing on this list. Just the good looks and whether or not they make me smile. Her topless scene in “Swordfish” made me smile. Twice.


Pam Grier.

Poor Pam. She used to be so damn hot. This picture is from like 30 years ago. She used to run around topless in films and had that bad ass 70’s attitude that was all the rage. When she had her hair permed she was hot. When it was a big ass afro she was hot. It didn’t matter. This image of her is burned in thousands of men’s minds for a reason.


Nia Long.

She came onto my radar when she was in “Friday.” Everyone knows the scene where Smokie and Craig are sitting in front f the house and she runs by in slow motion. I think that scene put a hair on my chest. I lie. I’m like a friggin’ naked mole rat. She has kept a low profile but no matter what she pops up in she looks hot. One of those women that even when they play a crackhead you still go “I’d hit it.”


Angela Bassett.

The definition of a classy ass woman. Her attitude is what some classless ass women need to try and get. She looks like the type of woman that wont take any shit from you and she looks so nice that you wouldn’t try. Another that will be hot when I am 50.


Who Knows?


Rosario Dawson.

I cant quit this fucking woman. Even when she was banging He-Man I still liked her. I’ve liked her since I was 14 or something. Plus she is funny as hell and writes comic books. Seriously, who are you to not like her?! And she went topless in that horrible movie “Alexander.” Look it up. It’ll make you smile for a few minutes. Maybe even more.


Adriana Sage.

Time to get horrible. This chick is a (gasp!) porn star. She was the first porn star where I thought “She looks for serious hot.” She wasn’t the typical trashy looking porn star. And she looked like she could walk down the street and not get harassed. Don’t look her up unless you want to be horrified by what you see. She’s a dirty birdie.


Omahrya.

This is the most iffy on my list. Some people say she looks like a dude. This is my list and I don’t give a damn. She looks like a snake but one I like. No, not a “V” snake. Just a skinny ass chick that appears to not give a fuck about what you think. That’s hot.


Mila Kunis.

This is the chick from “That 70’s Show” and “Forgetting Sarah Marshall.” She lives nearby and she went to the same high school as me. No, I have never met her but I have seen her boyfriend, crazy ass Culkin at Gelson’s. So you know she has issues. She gets cuter every year so by 2015 she will just turn into a Hello Kitty doll and finish her evolution. But I would suggest not staring into her eyes.


Amber Rose.

Ah, the infamy. This is Kanye’s chick that dates women as well. People just call her White but she’s actually some South American/Italian. Whatever she’s mixed with it produced this chick with a giant ass and a pretty ass mouth. Plus she smokes and for some reason I always like when women smokes. I’ll explain some other time. Oh, and she shaves her head which is something I wish every woman on the planet would do!


White


Jenna Von Oy.

Know her? Remember that show “Blossom”? Yeah, this is her fast talking annoying friend named Six. I had a huge crush on her back in the day and one day saw her in a Black Men’s magazine and was like “Yowzah bowzah!” She’s small enough to fit in your pocket, makes music I’d never purchase, and has legs that women are right now sweating and crying to get. Bowchickawowwow.


Trish Stratus.

Former WWE Women’s Champion and yoga nut Trish has been hot for a long ass time now. I remember when she first showed up on TV and couldn’t wrestle a damn but got to the point where she was the best in the world. She’s broken bones, her nose, but still managed to stay hot. Look her up. You’ll be impressed by her skills.


Stacy Kiebler.

This chick flies in the face of all I find the hotness. She weighs as much as one of my legs and is almost too cute, if that makes any sense. But she has 40-something inch legs and used to wrestle so that combo alone makes her worth checking out. She has an odd taste in men which would give me hope in Bizarro World except none of the guys she dates looks like Dante. Whah whah whaaaaaaaah…


Linda Carter.

Motherfucking Wonder Woman! Had a crush on her since I was a kid. She is hot right now! As I sit here and she’s old enough to be my grandma Linda Carter is hot. Just a natural ass beauty. I have seen pictures of her just out the house and she manages to carry an air of “Yeah, I make this look easy, don’t I?” Yes, she does.


Jessica Biel.

Not a fan at all of her work. This is probably the most sexist woman I have on my list because I like nothing about her except how she looks. This is pure, 100% eye candy for me. Do I wanna meet her? Nope. Sex? Nope. Just stare at a picture and grin like a retard. That’s it. And then I move on.


Latina


Selma Hayek.

Look at that picture and tell me why she shouldn’t be on this list. I first saw her in “Dusk Til Dawn” years ago when she did the snake dance. That was too hot for words. She has managed to get hotter and even though she had a kid she didn’t go “Fuck it, I don’t need to look hot anymore.” This is damn near close to being a perfect woman. Her voice bugs me.


Shakira.

Like Jessica Biel, another one where I like nothing but how she looks…in pictures. Seeing her move creeps me the fuck out. She looks like the little girl in “Exorcist” doing that spider walk when she dances. Great body but I’m sure if I saw her in real life I would be amazed at how tiny she is. Plus her voice could slice through glass.


Michelle Rodriguez.

Man, oh, man. Now this psycho ass woman is hot. Even when she smiles she looks mad. I would never want to meet her though. She just looks way hot and that’s why she’s on this list. Not the best actress in the world but what does that matter anymore? It’d be hard to find a chick with better lips than her.


Eva Mendes.

Remember her in “Training Day”? Full frontal. That’s all I’m saying.


America Ferrera.

Hot chick from “Ugly Betty.” I am fully aware that the previous sentence makes no sense. I liked her a few years ago and decided to see what she was up to and was surprised at how cute she got. She is growing up to look rather womanly. Yes, spell check has let me know that womanly is indeed a real word!


Eastern (or whatever)


Michelle Yeoh.

Saw her years ago when I was little in this crazy kung fu flick where she was whipping ass. You all may know her from “Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon.” This is a regular ass pretty lady. You wouldn’t wanna give her a bone or nothing but you can appreciate her pretty.


Zhang Ziyi.

Another one from “Crouching Tiger…” that is just too cute for words. She was in “Rush Hour 2” as well looking like a damned doll that you wanna put in your pocket. Yes, I wanna put tiny people in my pocket. Don’t judge me.


Kelly Hu.

Even more eye candy! Seen her in a few cheesy ass movies where she was just there to look pretty. She was in “X-Men 2” as Lady Deathstrike. Hot for no good reason, really. I’ll just assume she’s mean as hell because she’s so hot.


Kristen Kreuk.

She plays Lana Lang in “Smallville” and ruined the Street Fighter franchise further. Just a cute little thing with no acting ability. Yeah, she’s from Canada but she has Asian stuff in her blood so she makes this section of my list.


Shohreh Aghdashloo.

This old lady is smoking hot! I don’t care what anyone thinks. Her voice is like satin and her skin is like a vampire its so smooth. She always plays someone that’s really quiet. I’d love to hear her yell just once. It’d probably make me like her even more.


Honorable Mentions


Keisha Knight Pulliam.

Rudy from “The Cosby Show.” You cant tell me she didn’t grow up hot. Playing hookers and such and there’s talk she will be posing in Playboy soon. Childhood Dante and grown ass Dante are very happy about this. Aren’t you?


And here’s another shot for the hell of it.



Raven Symone.

Now this one was out of left field! I thought this girl would grow up all funny looking and weighing 300lbs. But she grew up cute and normal which took me by surprise. Even if you hate her music (I do) and her show (which I like for no damn good reason) you have to admit Raven is hot now.


Old Lindsey Lohan.

Yes, I mean old Lindsey Lohan. That fucking tragic mess we all see on TV acting crazy, crashing cars and blaming Black dudes that don’t exist, and crying into her daddy’s phone is not how I think of her. I remember the red headed fine ass chick that made movies I will never see. I don’t think I have ever seen a movie with her in it. Fire crotch and all, the old Lindsey Lohan is hot. So sad…