Why Does Wonder Woman Fail?

For some reason it has been difficult for a Wonder Woman film or series to be done today. There was gonna be a movie done by Joss Whedon until he bailed. Then the failed ass TV series (more on that soon). The character is pretty damned basic. Amazon princess created with the powers of female goddesses. She comes to our world and becomes a hero. She’s strong, can fly, has a Lasso Of Truth, bracelets that can block bullets, and a fierce sense of loyalty. I would love to see her get the same treatment that Batman and Superman have in recent years. Now I feel that it will never happen.

This was my first exposure to Wonder Woman in live action form. Lynda Carter was and still is the template that all Wonder Women are compared to. It ran from 1975 - 1979 which means it had time to marinate until I got to see it. Carter managed to make the character beautiful, strong, and admirable. Though she ran around is draws you still took her seriously. There is just something about the way she looked and acted that made the character believable. Yes, she wore a costume but it didn’t look like a costume.

This looks like a costume. For hookers. Played by Adrianne Palicki and set to air on NBC, this show was doomed before it even started filming. Word got out (along with the script) that she was to be a executive of her own company who fought crime in Los Angeles and listened to Beyonce while crying because of her relationship situation. Not a single episode aired. The chick they got, the story, being in L.A, it was all wrong. Everyone feels a need to “reboot” a character. The world knows who Wonder Woman is. Just start the episode with her lifting a truck and throwing it at another truck. 

Wonder Woman, Red Hood, Birds Of Prey Issue 1

Snuck into the kitchen to get something that I could trick my body into thinking was real food. Mr. Soot was sititng at the table with a device in front of him. “Did you know that the inventor of the lie detector was also the same man who created Wonder Woman?” he asked. I nodded yes. “Oh, this isn’t a lie detector. Just something I will place under your bed later.” And with that I ran back to my cell and started writing!

                                    Wonder Woman 1

I know all about Wonder Woman. Who doesn’t? She was once a little blob of clay. GUMBY!!! Wrong clay. The story starts with some god offering three hot chicks drinks and then scaring the hell out of them. In a barn in Virginia a hooded woman cuts a horses head clean off and then a demon something pops on out. The hell is going on?! Hermes, who is weird looking and blue, shows up at the woman who owns the barns home and tries to tell her that “they” have come for her child. He gets nailed with an arrow and tosses her a key that makes her vanish into panty wearing air.
This chick appears in Wonder Woman’s home while she is sleeping and nearly gets choked out. The girl gives her the key and they teleport back to the barn where Wonder Woman whips the demon horse things asses. She cuts one of their arms off. Hermes stumbles from the house dying and tells the women that the girl is pregnant by Zeus. Scandalous! Back with the guy and three chicks he hears what will happen with Zeus and a new child and promptly crisps the three dames.

Story and art by Brian Azzarello and Cliff Chiang. This issue wasn’t terrible but it didn’t exactly knock my socks off. I do like the fact that WW (that’s Wonder Woman for the cool kids) seems to fight more warrior-like and brutal. She doesn’t say a single word as she fights those horse demons. They try to hurt this girl and she just goes gorilla on them. Worth checking out but the next issue needs more story and less action.

Red Hood And The Outlaws 1

I think the guy at the beginning of the story is Red Arrow. He gets broken out of a prison overseas by Red Hood aka Jason Todd aka Robin 2 aka Zombie!!! A bloodbath issues and help shows up in the form of Starfire. She burns some tanks and they escape to an island.

This island stuff is apparently causing some controversy Mr. Soot said. Saying the character of Starfire is being used unfairly and as a sex object. What female character besides Granny Goodness isn’t?! On the flipside look at how men in comics look. How many guys you know so buff their muscles and veins show through their clothes? Men get the same if not more because there are more male characters. Guys don’t talk about it but they feel the pressure of looking a certain way. Not me. I have a god complex. So yeah Starfire is banging Red Hood and Red Arrow. Not at the same time. That's in issue three. Giggity.

This story was interesting but I’m not sure if I’m dying to read the next issue. I’m on the fence. I like the story by Scott Lobdell and the art by Kenneth Rocafort is fantastic. Maybe it’s the combination of these three characters or something.

Birds Of Prey 1

I really wanted to like this story. I like Black Canary. The Justice League cartoon made me really see that she was a badass character once you get past the fact that she ain’t wearing pants. I’m pissed that only two of the four people on the cover are actually in the comic. Lots of fighting and not much story really. I mean there is but this issue made it feel like there was so much story that had happened and I kinda fell into this not knowing what the hell was going on. I don’t even know what one of the characters Ev Starling does besides drive badly. I wanna like this more than I did but meh. Story and art by Duane Swierczynski and Jesus Saiz.

Playboy For Nerds

For those who are unaware I am a nerd. If you don’t believe me check me on episode 163 of Tha O Show and listen to me fail epically at picking up a girl. Now, as a nerd it is my responsibility to have a thing for fictional characters. Now, I know some of you may disagree with some on my choices. And that’s fine. Start you own blog and make your own damn list. I present to you all the hottest fake women!

Cheetarah



Any self respecting (or non self respecting) nerd grew up thinking Cheetarah from the Thundercats was hot. Did ya’ll know that when she first showed up she was butt booty ass naked? Seriously. She didn’t wear clothes until the got to 3rd Earth. Stupid prudish planet! See? This is why I never went through an “Ew, girls!” phase. I was a horndog from birth.

Jessica Rabbit



If you didn’t want Jessica Rabbit when you first saw her then something was wrong with you. Yes, I know she isn’t real. I’m retarded, not dumb. Jessica Rabbit gave every nerd out there hope that if you were nice, funny, and got along with folks you could bag a hot chick like her. Now as adults we all know that’s utter bullshit but it was nice to have a dream.

Betty Boop



Not really my cup of tea. Her head is terrifying and if she were real I’d probably shart myself and cry from fear. But I respect her contributions to the delinquency of males for the past 80 years or so. I remember seeing some special where they had her running around with no draws on. Betty was a freak and any girl that really loves her takes it in the back door. Hey. I didn’t make the rules.

The Baroness



Evil as hell and had a thing for some dude with a damn metal face. I knew she was evil when I was a kid but I couldn’t help liking her. Maybe it was the glasses. It sure as hell wasn’t her strange ass accent. Plus she almost always had a gun on her. That ruled.

Chun Li



Maybe this is where my damn thigh fetish started. Chun Li from Street Fighter 2 had almost nothing but kicks and they did everything possible in that damn video game to make sure she showed her draws at every point. If you google Chun Li tons of other nerds have drawn her nude. I’m not beating off to a character. Not that I’m knocking anyone that does. Just use caution. Its hard to play a game with one hand.

Ginormica



Just watched that Mosters vs. Alien movie and while it stunk I was like “That Ginormica is kinda cute…” which is funny because I find the actress Reese Witherspoon who voiced her to be rather pointy. Its like they took her actual face and made her cute.

Power Girl



This is a strong ass superhero that is almost as strong as Superman. Plus she wears a damned outfit where her boobs are totally exposed. Lots of Cos-play people dress as her with very…very bad results. Like, really bad. Lots of fat chicks dress as Power Girl and that ain’t cool.

Harley Quinn



Created for the Batman cartoon, Quinn took off and got ridiculously popular. She’s, insane, cute, and has a corked gun that shoots real bullets which is confusing. I mean, if you think about it for a second. Which I did. Harley will whip your ass and laugh the entire time.

Fox



Look at her. Like a cartoon Halle Barry. So why in the blue fuck did Angelina Jolie play her in the Wanted movie?! Explain this to me! Anyway, Fox is violent as hell, loves to fuck, and curses like a sailor. Sex is actually part of her training regimen. Isn’t that cool?

Wonder Woman



Do I really have to explain this one?