This Shirt Is Not The Problem

Here we go. Late last night I saw a post condemning Wal-Mart for selling a shirt that has the phrase “Training To Be Batman's Wife” on it. Don't bother trying to order it because it is sold out for being awesome. Some are saying it is sending the message that it is okay for women to be okay with living a life that leads to being the wife of Batman as if that goal is enough. You know what? It is! I know that I'm not good enough to be Batman's wife and I'm an old, straight Black dude. But DC Comics felt the need to respond to people who like being upset with the following. Read it in the voice of Droopy. Its funnier.

“DC Comics is home to many of the greatest male and female Super Heroes in the world. All our fans are incredibly important to us, and we understand that the messages on certain T-shirts are offensive. We agree. Our company is committed to empowering boys and girls, men and women, through our characters and stories. Accordingly, we are taking a look at our licensing and product design process to ensure that all our consumer products reflect our core values and philosophy.”

If this was true then the comic book industry would be far different than it is right now. Comic books get away with a lot of sexist shit and then after taking it on the chin they will throw a gay character out there, make a normally White one Black, or just straight up turn a man into a woman. I'm all about women feeling powerful (click here) but this is just misguided rage over a shirt that I want. I know that being a woman (click here) is different than it used to be as well as being a man (click here). The lines between the two are blurred until pants drop and even then it is still questionable.

DC Doesn't Trust Its Fans

Arguably the two most important most important comic book moments to happen during my life have been Batman getting his back broken by Bane and Superman being killed by Doomsday. I found out about each of these occurrences through, of all people, my father.

“You know Superman died?”

"I pick things up and put them down!"

I was like “No, he didn’t.” Walked into my parents bedroom and sure enough there was a news story talking about the fact that Superman was indeed dead. It was weird. I wasn’t a huge fan of the character himself but he’d always been around.

Fast forward a few more years or so.

“You hear Batman got his back broken?”

Okay, goddamn it. Enough is enough. There was no way my no comic book reading ass father was gonna get the scoop on me agai--yep. Batman got his back broken. I was pissed because not only is Batman the best comic book character ever created but he got crippled by a set up move in wrestling.

"It wasn't the comic you needed. It was the comic you deserved."

Now when Superman died it was weird. I had recently really started to collect comic books and begged my oldest brother, Kevin, to get it for me. He worked at the mall and there was a comic book shop there at the time. So I deserved it. He told me he’d get it if I ironed his clothes free for the week. And I did. He brought me a comic book with the entire Justice League carrying a coffin. I open and read.

Don't worry, Lois. He's just sleeping. 

“What the fuck is this?!” I thought because I was years away from cursing out loud. It was Funeral For A Friend, not The Death Of Superman. I was pissed and my brother told me I’d have to wait. So I did and eventually he brought me the entire collection in graphic novel form.

I never bought or got the issue of Dark Knight Falls in which Batman got broken in half. But the question asked when each of these events occurred was this: Who did it? Meaning, who was the villain that finally managed to take down two of the most recognizable characters in comic book history?

"Wait. I thought we were working the arm..."

Surely Batman was taken out by The Joker. Lex Luthor had to have beaten Superman. Right? Nope. In both cases it was a character created just to do the dirty deed which was a huge cop out on DC’s part. I’m not gonna go into the history of Doomsday and the Superman saga. Max Landis did a far more entertaining version of that. But I’ll tell you what bugged me the most about Batman being taken out by a luchadore.

"Can a luchadore do thi-ow, ow- OW!!!"

Batman has arguably the best set of villains. Do I need to name them? Fuck you. He just does. He looks at other villains and laughs his creepy Batman laugh. There was no need to bring in this new South American psycho to take Batman down. Does DC not trust fans enough to accept that maybe one day Two Face gets lucky and shoots Batman? That Joker could slip a knife into the right spot and severe a nerve? No. They brought a guy out of nowhere to give him a backbreaker. A fucking backbreaker.

DC Showcase: Catwoman

DC Comics continues to make Marvel look like shit in terms of animated movies, shorts, and series. I found this DC Showcase Presents: Catwoman and was kinda nervous at first. What with the images of the film in my head floating around still I wasn’t sure if she would be able to support herself.

"When the boss said we'd be chasing pussy all night I thought..."

Turns out I didn’t need to worry at all. The story starts off with a cat being shot at by two thugs until it falls off a bridge. A limo pulls up and this big ass White dude with diamond teeth ask them if the job is done. They say yes and head to a strip club. How else do you celebrate animal murders than by watching chicks dance?

This guy gives a chick a diamond chunk while another mentions that the last dancer that got one vanished. Catwoman shows up and suddenly ink and paper is making my pants tight. She does a dance and ends up whipping these guys asses.

Boner goes up...boner goes down!

The rest of the short is Catwoman getting into a hardcore fight involving motorcycles, explosions, and her scratching the shit out of people! I’m serious. You see her scratch someone once in a while but watching this made me realize how much it would absolutely suck to have someone do this to you.

After killing a few guys Catwoman opens large bin and its full of women who were being sold into sex slavery. One of them is a friend of hers I recognized from Batman: Year One. This short ruled. The animation, the story, the action. In just under fifteen minutes they managed to establish Catwoman as an actual threat without even mentioning Batman. Which I cant do. Because I love him.

Hey, I found a link! You can watch this right here. Until someone removes it.

The Joker Creator Jerry Robinson Passes Away

The creator of the greatest villain ever created passed away today. Sadly, until the passing of Jerry Robinson I never bothered to find out who created The Joker. I assumed it was Bob Kane. There’s actually some dispute over if it was one or both of them. For arguments sake and the fact that Kane seems like an asshole I’ll be giving all credit to Mr. Robinson. To be able to create a enemy that has no special ability besides being able to be so insane that the most deadly criminals in the DC Universe fear him. Batman should’ve killed him years ago but thinks he can be rehabilitated. Oh, that Batman. So hopeful in the face of obvious nonsense. When lists are made of the top villains of all time, The Joker always makes the top three.

The Joker doesn’t wear armor. No super powers. He doesn’t even have loyal sidekicks besides Harley Quinn but she came about way later in the animated series. He’s been around for 71 years. Think about that. A character that has been around longer than seven decades and still there are disputes to his actual true origins. There have been many versions of it but to me the best has been from The Killing Joke. He was trying to raise money to support his pregnant wife when he was knocked into a vat bleaching his skin and turning his hair green. Then he found out his wife and child were killed in an accident. That, my friends, is the recipe for Losingyoushitness.

In the Batman live action series he was played by Cesar Romero. I loved this version of him because even though he was super gaudy looking he was still crazy as hell and somewhat threatening. Though campy as hell he could take a punch like nobodies business. This is the show and version of the character that got me into Batman and sent me on the path of nerditry that I live with to this very day. Who would think something as simple as face paint could make someone so damned creepy? I know I was supposed to want Batman and Robin to catch him every time he was on but damn it I loved this strange ass guy.

In live action films The Joker has been portrayed by Jack Nicholson in Tim Burton’s Batman. I hated this film so much. Imagine poor little 9 year old Dante watching as a cool and flashy Joker pranced around the screen throwing parades and pulling three foot barrel having pistols from his pants. Screw this film. He didn’t get his cinematic due until Batman: Deadend which is a short film that kicked ass. Boner from Growing Pains played an amazing Joker. And then Heath Ledger showed up in Christopher Nolan’s The Dark Knight and blew everyone out of the water with his creepy, evil, sadistic, anything goes Joker with his sliced cheek smile. There was talk for a while of someone else playing him. Don't. That would be one of the worst ideas ever.

And I would be silly to not mention the absolute best portrayal of The Joker from Batman: The Animated Series. Voiced by the legendary Mark Hamill, he brought so much depth to a character that had for a while been seen as, well, a joke. His laugh alone would make heroes drop a funky load in their draws. Hamill has voiced The Joker in the Batman video games as well and recently retired the voice. Which I hope is a terrible, terrible lie. In the cartoons he has done everything from torture Tim Drake Robin into insanity, beaten and blown up Jason Todd, and pushed Batman to his own limit where he tries to beat him to death. Jerry Robinson, you will always be remembered for creating one of the best characters of any genre across every media ever.

Introducing: Shade The Changing Man

You think you’re emo, kid? You ain’t seen emo until you’ve picked up an issue of Shade The Changing Man. I first discovered Shade the same way I discovered a lot of my comic books. By going to 7/11 stores and buying chips and Slurpees. Hey, I was a little fat ass with extra cash because I ironed my brothers clothes for money. They sold these packs of four comics for $2.99. The downside was that you didn’t know what comics were in the center. I got at least twenty issues of Shade this way. This turned out to be one of the weirdest and awesome comic books I’ve ever read till this day. Not to mention the cool stories by Peter Mulligan and great art by Chris Bachalo who went on to draw Neil Gaimen’s Death, Generation X, Ultimate X Men, and Steampunk.

Shade was first drawn by Steve Ditko who is known for his distinctive style and for drawing ROM Spaceknight, The Incredible Hulk, Fantastic Four, and Dr. Strange to mention a few. In it his full name was Rac Shade and he was a fugitive from a planet called Meta. He had the ability to use his M-Vest to create a monster looking version of himself. Shade is an agent that is framed for murder and he ends up living in a place called the Area Of Madness. That sounds awesome. This version of Shade is far different from what he would eventually become which if you know your comic books is not as strange as it seems.

Later after joining the Suicide Squad the character was redone for DC’s Vertigo line which included titles such as The Sandman, 100 Bullets, Hellblazer, A History Of Violence, and V For Vendetta. Those last three have become films. In the first story arc he falls in love with Kathy while trying to defeat The American Scream. While he is dating her is goes into super-emo mode and ends up making another version of himself named Hades that handles emotion better than he does. Meaning he doesn’t whine like a little bitch as much.

When Shade dies or leaves a body (which is how he survives) he ends up in the body of a recently murdered chick. Normally when he takes a body over he can morph it to look like himself but since the spirit cant rest he stays in woman form. He even has sex as a woman. Told you this was a weird ass comic. Eventually Shade figured out who killed her and then he is able to transform into himself. While all this is happening there is all kinds of drama with Kathy and her friend Lenny.

Later on after being killed angels make Shade come back. He ends up in the body of a guy in an asylum with spiky black hair who is batshit insane. Apparently there are people born empty just for things like this. Shade and Hades are mixed perfectly together which is bad for everyone since Shade no longer can control himself. At one point the rushes outside and has sex with the ground which causes a bunch of tiny versions of himself to spring up. After this awesome storyline and version of Shade Chris Bachalo left and it all went to shit. I stopped caring about the character until he resurfaced in DC’s 52 in Justice League Dark. Go back and see if you can find old issues of Shade. They are really fun and different. Plus each cover was a work of art.

Batman: Year One

“Nothing harms me. But I know pain. I know pain. And sometimes I share it…with someone like you.” - Batman

When you sit down for a moment and think about it, Batman is a creepy ass character. The look. The voice. The fact that he only comes out at night. There is nothing about the guy that is kid friendly. He’s not gonna climb a tree to save a cat. He’s more likely to stare it down. But surprisingly, Batman: Year One is not just the story of Batman. Its also about Commissioner James Gordon and Selina Kyle aka Catwoman.

This movie is based off of the Frank Miller graphic novel of the same title and sticks about 95% close to the source material. Bruce Wayne (I swear if I have to tell you who Bruce Wayne is I’m gonna box your ears!) returns to Gotham after being gone for years. He knows that the city needs to be cleaned up but is not quite sure how to do it. Arriving by train is Gordon who hates the city and regrets bringing his pregnant wife there from Chicago. Gordon meets his new partner Detective Flass who is an asshole jock that beats people up for fun and takes bribes. Gordon keeps an eye on him.

Meanwhile Bruce Wayne decides to try out some training and heads to where the hookers are. He is propositioned by a little girl whose pimp hits her and threatens Bruce with a knife. Bruce breaks him down like a human Jenga and is attacked by the same little girl he just helped! He gets stabbed and is then attacked by Selina Kyle who is a prostitute at this point. She matches him movie for move until the cops show up and shoot Bruce in the shoulder and arrest him. He gets free after crashing the squad car and saves both their lives. He gets home and recalls the night his parents were murdered and says that he would rather die than wait another for a way to fight crime. That’s when a giant bat crashes through the window giving him his inspiration.

Commissioner Loeb does not like how goody-goody Gordon is and decides that Flass needs to teach him a lesson. They beat him with bats leaving him unconscious. He gets his stuff together and finds Flass leaving a friends house and drives him off the road. Then he beats the crap out of him and leaves him lying naked and handcuffed in the woods. That’s what you get for threatening a man’s pregnant wife!

Later when Gordon and Detective Essen who is having an affair with trap Batman in a building that is being bombed, he hides and waits for the SWAT team to arrive. Batman takes them down one by one before using a new device to bring every bat from his cave to the scene and scaring the bejesus out of everyone. Batman gets away even after being shot two more times. You know why? Because he’s Batman! Selina ends up spending the last of her money on a costume to become Catwoman and gets upset that the press calls her Batman’s sidekick and helper.

Oh, there’s more but you all need to see it for yourself. Thankfully Mr. Soot let me borrow this because as I have mentioned before, DC Comics has the best animated comic book related films by far. The art, the story, and the action is amazing. I wasn’t blown away by Batman’s voice but he got the tone right. His behavior as Bruce Wayne was remarkable. I loved the scene where he grosses out Gordon’s wife by spreading his legs wearing only a robe. Talk about a Bat-A-Wang! Hahaha! Get it?! Oh, you know that was funny.

Justice League Dark, Voodoo, Savage Hawkman Issue 1

Mr. Soot tied an issue of Batman to a string and pulled it down the hallway leading out of my cell. Like an idiot of course I chased it down. Next thing I know a net falls on my head and he’s laughing his ass off. “This is getting too easy…” he said as he threw another pile of DC 52’s at me to review.

Justice League Dark

If you take anything away from this issue its that Shade The Changing Man is one of the coolest characters that you may never of heard of! The story starts off with this young girl wandering around not knowing where she is and mumbling to herself. She walks into a place and she looks on the TV and there is a freeway full of “hers” being hit by cars and dying. Superman, Wonder Woman, and Cyborg head to a place where magic is happening and get wrecked by teeth. Flying teeth. Batman decides that he and Zatanna should help out and she binds him with parts of the Batcave.

Shade makes an appearance and if you don’t know his history (which many don’t) the scene he has with his girlfriend is damn near heartbreaking. In London Constantine is being messed with magically. Madam Xanadu is seeing a future where everyone is lying in a pile of dead bodies. Aah! Aah! Aah!

This was a very cool issue and I would love to see where it goes. Bringing these characters, Deadman will make an appearance, together is a very great idea. Justice League Dark had great art and a cool story. Did I mention they brought Shade The Changing Man?! You all have no idea how much I like this guy. Do some research on him.

Voodoo

I know the character Voodoo aka Priscilla Kitaen from old Image Comics WildCATS which is known for having one of the worst cartoon theme songs ever written. Seriously. Look it up. Your eyes and ears will poop. I remember this splash page from the 90’s of her and it was one of the hottest drawings ever. What did Voodoo do? I have no clue. She was just some hot mixed chick that barely wore anything. Except on the friggin’ cartoon where they put her in a bodysuit! Okay. I need to settle down.

Voodoo is stripping at a club and the first image we get of her is on all fours as guys are “making it rain” around her. Look it up. Two undercover agents are watching her, the guy more than the other, and requests a private dance from her. His partner goes outside and whips some guys asses for trying to teach her some respect. The agent that is getting the lap dance (no sex in the champagne room) and lets Voodoo know that he knows that she may be an alien and that if she doesn’t turn herself in she will be dissected. She then turns into a monster and rips him open. Moments later she quits her job and the guy walks out okay.

I guess this is cool if you wanna look at a hot drawing and don’t know that Jessica Rabbit exists. It wasn’t bad or anything but there was nothing that made me want to pick this up ever again and feel like I really missed out on anything. It didn’t even feel like it was part of the DC Universe.

Savage Hawkman

I know nothing about Hawkman except his costume reminds me of something from an old Hanna Barbara cartoon. This issue starts with him burning his costume in a forest. It explodes and he wakes up back home and burned. A team finds some alien wreckage and brings it for examination. Bored yet? He heads to check out the ship and suddenly an alien inside of it comes to life and starts wreaking havoc. Hawkman all of a sudden transforms as if his costume is now in his body instead of him putting it on. I love how the costume is like “Eff you for trying to destroy me!” He fights the main alien and it absorbs his Nth metal armor.

Not a very good issue. The art was fine but the story was super rushed and felt like an action film where a lot happened but made me feel as if I had no emotional investment in it. Who cares about hawk man after reading this? Its like they did it to please people who thought his costume was silly and decided to make it appear rather than put it on.

Dark Knight, Flash, Firestorm, Green Lantern New Guardians Issue 1

There are two things me and Mr. Soot agree on. That last issue is Superman was terrible and honey badgers don’t give a shit. After a spirited discussion at the wonder we have with DC’s decision to let certain comics not only get made, but get made so terribly. Its now time to write about some comics. Lets hope they’re better than the last batch!

Batman The Dark Knight

This issue went back and forth in terms of what was good and what was bad about it. I liked the fact that they are making Bruce Wayne an interesting character. He is still trying to make Gotham City a better place. A police officer confronts him and accuses him of funding Batman, which if you think about it for a moment makes perfect sense and I’m glad they’re going in this direction. We even get to see Batman get his flirt on!

There is a riot at Arkham Asylum and I kinda had trouble figuring out who was who. The cops are getting their asses handed to them and Batman shows up to help. He starts head butting and kicking people in the face and they cant figure out why more than 300 of the most dangerous criminals got free all at once. This is okay. The issue jumps the shark when Batman finds Two-Face and he is the size of The Incredible Hulk and he screams that his name is now One-Face. Uh…yeah.

I like Batman and all but this issue was just too all over the place. If they had focused on just Bruce Wayne and the investigation into his life and funding Batman that would’ve been cool. Taking a character that and turning him into a monster (which I hate as much as fire monsters but not as much as smoke monsters).

The Flash

Never been a huge fan of Flash comics. The power to run fast never really appealed to me. I did begin to like him in the cartoons but never enough to call myself a fan. This issue may have changed that. While Barry Allen aka The Flash is at a party for science folk and some guys rob the place. Barry transforms into The Flash and whips their asses while being funny at the same time (take notes Kid Flash). One of the criminals ends up getting killed is someone Barry knew when he was younger. Oh, and The Flash gets accused of murder. This was a fun and interesting issue, especially the way it ends. I’m intrigued enough to check out the next issue. Truly shocking.

The Fury of Firestorm

I know who Firestorm is…vaguely. This issue starts with a family being tortured and murdered. So not a kid book? A star high school football player Ronnie is interviewed by Jason and Ronnie gets accused of being racist. He later asks his mother why he has no Black friends while Jason feels bad for even bringing race up. That killer team shows up at the school looking for the Firestorm formula which Jason admits to having and takes turning into Firestorm and blowing a lot of the school up in the process. Ronnie also turns into a Firestorm and they start fighting which is rather silly. It ends with them combining into some big ass fire guy named Fury. I hate characters combining almost as much as I hate fire creatures and…you know the rest. Cool art but the story was very meh.

Green Lantern New Guardians

Kyle Rayner is probably my least favorite Green Lantern but that may change if this series keeps the pace its at from this first issue. A Guardian creates a new ring and sends it to Earth to find a bearer. Kyle is at a bar sketching the waitress so he can leave it as a tip since he is broke. He heads outside to use the bathroom and the Guardian gives him the ring and they start flying away. With his artistic abilities he makes a great natural Lantern. All over the universe Lanterns of every color are being stripped of their rings and dying.

Later after Kyle saves a construction worker and a kid makes fun of his outfit, all the rings that left their owners start floating at him and announcing his name out loud (which is a very funny moment) and wanting him to wear it. The surviving former ring bearers arrive and want to attack Kyle for “stealing” their rings. This was a cool issue and I would definitely check out the next one.

Superman, Teen Titans, All Star Western, Black Hawks Issue 1

I refuse to go back to sleep ever again. Mr. Soot thought it would be funny to place another issue of DC’s 52 on my face while I slept. There are a lot this week and some of them make me question the people in charge of decision making. Some of these characters just don’t deserve their own comics. Seriously. Were you clamoring for a Black Hawks comic? Yeah. That’s what I thought. I’m getting ahead of myself.

Superman

Everyone knows who Superman is. He is the single most popular character ever created in comics and known around the world. He is literally the biggest super character in history. So I have to ask myself: Why did he get the crappiest issue one? I mean…wow. This is a real stinker. I cant imagine he is hard to write. He flies, shoots heat out his eyes, ice breath, super strong, and bad at disguise. Simple. So why the long boring ass introduction?

We get Superman sulking (a new power apparently) because The Daily Planet is demolished and a new one is built. They are also getting rid of the paper and going to TV and internet. He ends up fighting a fire creature. I hate fire creatures almost as much as I hate smoke monsters. He beats it after sending it into space. Later Clark Kent goes by Lois Lane’s place and she is sleeping with some other reporter. The issue ends with more sulking.

This issue was the one splashed across the TV, internet, and papers. So why did they make it the most boring ass one? I love reading but Jesus, this starts as being way too wordy. I don’t care about the history of The Daily Planet whatsoever. I almost stopped reading this one. It was just dull.

Teen Titans

Does DC have a problem writing teams that don’t have the word “Justice” or “Suicide” in the front? There are a lot of teen Metahumans floating around and jacking stuff up. This issue features Kid Flash botching a burning building rescue. He isn’t likable like he is on the cartoon of the same name. Red Robin has his home invaded and gets away by flying. When the hell did he get wings?! Wonder Girl gets rescued by Red Robin after stealing a car and taking down a helicopter.

The issue ends with a tie in to the awesome Superboy comic. Damn it! The story was way rushed and the art was strange. The teens looked like weird ass adults. For being so mart they have Red Robin (I hate that name) act more like Jason Todd in his recklessness. Wonder Girl, who hates that name, doesn't tell him what to call her instead. Kid Flash is a dick.

All Star Western

Jonah Hex. Know him? I don’t either. He’s a cowboy with a scar. I know he had a movie I couldn’t watch for more than ten minutes. If this comic was a film I would have left the theater. In old Gotham hookers are being killed. Hex and a dweeb go around trying to find information about the killer. What I mean by find information is Hex goes around beating people up and being an unlikable character. A hooker that gives him information dies and he sees that all the powerful men in Gotham have the same ring as the alleged killer. I just didn’t care for this issue. This didn’t sell me on Jonah Hex or make me care to figure out how it ends.

Black Hawks

Bombs. Fighting. Biting. Secret agents. Cell phone cameras. Chick gets infected. There. That’s the entire issue. A bunch of characters that would be background victims get their own comic for some reason. DC, you cant have a cell phone picture ruin something that’s supposed to be super secret in two of your debuts (as they did in Red Hood’s comic). This comic didn’t need to be written or drawn. Its just nonsense. DC cant afford to put crap like this out.

Batman, Supergirl Issue 1

Mr. Soot did place that device under my bed. It played “Goodbye Horses” over and over again by Q Lazarus. He thought it was funny until I decided to walk around the house Buffalo Bill style. He just threw a bottle of lotion at my head and sighed. Now back in my cell with laptop its time to write some DC 52 reviews.

                                                     Batman 1

I love Batman so much. Seriously. This guy is the best character ever created and has the best rogue gallery. It doesn’t hurt that dude is a psycho. For reals. When was the last time you saw Superman, Green Lantern, or anyone walk into a room and challenge some of his most dangerous enemies to a fight? Not never. But Batman does. Batman don’t give a shit.
He walks into Arkham Asylum facing guys like Clayface, Killer Croc, and Two-Face and just starts whipping their asses. All of a sudden he is tossed into Joker’s cell. Suddenly the most unlikely team since Randy Savage and Hulk Hogan start fighting together and beating the inmates. I was like “Oh, this is just stupid. Why is this happening?!” Later you find out that it was a disguise and Nightwing aka Dick Grayson was playing him.

Later Bruce Wayne, his punk ass son Damian, Dick, and Tim all get dressed for a fundraiser. Bruce has decided to start rebuilding Gotham City and taking pledges. By reading Commissioner Gordon’s lips using a new program (he also has this cool eye contact that brings the Batcave’s technology with him) and finds out someone was murdered. Batman meets up with Bullock and they find a guy stabbed to a wall. Batman places a cigar to a weird substance on the wall and it says “Bruce Wayne Will Die Tomorrow.” He sends DNA samples from the dead guys nails and it comes back saying it belongs to Jason Todd aka Red Hood aka Robin 2. Zombie bastard!

Story and art Scott Snyder and Greg Capaullo was great. This was one of my favorite issues so far from the DC Comics. The scene where Batman faces all those villains at the beginning looked so cool and the way Bruce Wayne is drawn he looks cool. He doesn’t look like an anonymous guy who happens to be Batman. Very well done.

Supergirl 1

Poor Supergirl has one of the most convoluted ass histories in the history of comics. Someone every few years comes along and changes her costume, clones her, makes her Superman’s cousin, the last Kryptonian. Just all over the place. So its no surprise that she wakes up in this issue not knowing where the hell she is. She hits Kansas and ends up in Siberia. I’m no gynecologist, someone that studies Earth, but that seems impossible. She is attacked by men in robot suits and whips their asses and discovers she has heat vision. She is about to kill a soldier until Superman shows up and stops her. If you pay attention you’ll see that some of the stuff she hears takes place in other issues.

I makes me a bit nervous that a lot of the heavy hitters are making appearances in these smaller comics. Its almost like they don’t think they have the ability to sale themselves. If I knew beforehand that Superman made an appearance at the end it wouldn’t have swayed me to get this issue. Supergirl, who is forever connected to the world’s most popular character, should be able to stand alone.

Story and art by Michael Green and Mike Johnson. The art is decent. The story could’ve been just half of the issue with the rest explaining more. Why does she already have a costume? Is she old enough for me to stare at her boobs? I don’t know and I’m not sure if I’m willing to stick around and find out.

Wonder Woman, Red Hood, Birds Of Prey Issue 1

Snuck into the kitchen to get something that I could trick my body into thinking was real food. Mr. Soot was sititng at the table with a device in front of him. “Did you know that the inventor of the lie detector was also the same man who created Wonder Woman?” he asked. I nodded yes. “Oh, this isn’t a lie detector. Just something I will place under your bed later.” And with that I ran back to my cell and started writing!

                                    Wonder Woman 1

I know all about Wonder Woman. Who doesn’t? She was once a little blob of clay. GUMBY!!! Wrong clay. The story starts with some god offering three hot chicks drinks and then scaring the hell out of them. In a barn in Virginia a hooded woman cuts a horses head clean off and then a demon something pops on out. The hell is going on?! Hermes, who is weird looking and blue, shows up at the woman who owns the barns home and tries to tell her that “they” have come for her child. He gets nailed with an arrow and tosses her a key that makes her vanish into panty wearing air.
This chick appears in Wonder Woman’s home while she is sleeping and nearly gets choked out. The girl gives her the key and they teleport back to the barn where Wonder Woman whips the demon horse things asses. She cuts one of their arms off. Hermes stumbles from the house dying and tells the women that the girl is pregnant by Zeus. Scandalous! Back with the guy and three chicks he hears what will happen with Zeus and a new child and promptly crisps the three dames.

Story and art by Brian Azzarello and Cliff Chiang. This issue wasn’t terrible but it didn’t exactly knock my socks off. I do like the fact that WW (that’s Wonder Woman for the cool kids) seems to fight more warrior-like and brutal. She doesn’t say a single word as she fights those horse demons. They try to hurt this girl and she just goes gorilla on them. Worth checking out but the next issue needs more story and less action.

Red Hood And The Outlaws 1

I think the guy at the beginning of the story is Red Arrow. He gets broken out of a prison overseas by Red Hood aka Jason Todd aka Robin 2 aka Zombie!!! A bloodbath issues and help shows up in the form of Starfire. She burns some tanks and they escape to an island.

This island stuff is apparently causing some controversy Mr. Soot said. Saying the character of Starfire is being used unfairly and as a sex object. What female character besides Granny Goodness isn’t?! On the flipside look at how men in comics look. How many guys you know so buff their muscles and veins show through their clothes? Men get the same if not more because there are more male characters. Guys don’t talk about it but they feel the pressure of looking a certain way. Not me. I have a god complex. So yeah Starfire is banging Red Hood and Red Arrow. Not at the same time. That's in issue three. Giggity.

This story was interesting but I’m not sure if I’m dying to read the next issue. I’m on the fence. I like the story by Scott Lobdell and the art by Kenneth Rocafort is fantastic. Maybe it’s the combination of these three characters or something.

Birds Of Prey 1

I really wanted to like this story. I like Black Canary. The Justice League cartoon made me really see that she was a badass character once you get past the fact that she ain’t wearing pants. I’m pissed that only two of the four people on the cover are actually in the comic. Lots of fighting and not much story really. I mean there is but this issue made it feel like there was so much story that had happened and I kinda fell into this not knowing what the hell was going on. I don’t even know what one of the characters Ev Starling does besides drive badly. I wanna like this more than I did but meh. Story and art by Duane Swierczynski and Jesus Saiz.

Catwoman, Green Lantern Corps, Blue Beetle, Captain Atom Issue 1

I woke up in the middle of writing all these blogs for the DC 52 and Mr. Soot had a bottle of lotion and a poodle in his arms. I know when its time to get busy. And I am tired of being referred to as “It.” Lets get cracking on a bunch of comic books!

                                       Catwoman 1

Very first page is Catwoman putting clothes on. End of review! But seriously, that’s how this starts. Catwoman rushes out of her apartment just as some masked men shoot the place up before blowing it to bits. She ends up crashing at a friend/informants place and finishing out about some available work. She ends up in disguise as a bartender getting information from the Russian mob about some art.
She ends up hearing the voice of someone from her past who killed a woman right in front of her. Selina aka Catwoman is young in the flashback. She finds the guy in the bathroom and pretends to seduce him and ends up beating the piss out of him! She leaves the club whipping ass along the way before heading home (meaning a penthouse that’s unoccupied) and finding Batman waiting for her. They end up bumping uglies which was pretty cool to see for once instead of having it implied.

Story and art by Judd Winick and Gullem March. The art in this was pretty good. I have read Catwoman books in the past and thought they were okay. This was way better than those. She kicked ass, looked good, and they gave a glimpse into her past. Oh, and Batman and her got bizzay!!!

Green Lantern Corps 1

This issue starts off cool with two Lanterns and a criminal being sliced to death right off the start. Those rings these guys wear have absolutely no emotion. As soon as you die they’re like “Well, time to find someone else to wear me…” I don’t know who the killer is but one of the dying Lanterns did. Back on Earth Guy Gardner, also a Lantern, is applying for a job as a coach. They believe he is too dangerous and may endanger the students so he leaves.

John Stewart, another Lantern, is trying to get better and safer houses built for the city and exposing that City Hall is corrupt. Meanwhile something just killed an entire planet. Seriously, the entire planet. Guy and Stewart fly to the Green Lantern home world Oa and talk about how much their lives suck. They find out those alien have been killed and decide to take some more shields, er, Lanterns to find out what happened. They arrive and everything is dead including that planets Lanterns.

Okay story by Peter J. Tomasi and good art by Fernando Pasarin. I just cant relate to these Lanterns on any level though. Yeah, one is Black. So what? When guys who can create anything by thinking about it (Salma Hayek…!) have problems finding work I just shrug. It wasn’t bad or anything. Just…I don’t know. Worth a thumbing through.

Blue Beetle 1

A Blue Beetle is jacking up an alien planet. Later a Green Lantern (Jesus, these guys are everywhere!) stops a beetle from crashing to Earth. But not really. Even later a kid, Joey, in school is invited to a party after being smacked with a soccer ball.

Let me just jump to the action because the set up for this kid isn’t all that interesting really. Some super villains are fighting other villians for one of those beetles when Joey and his friend stumble into the middle of it. Joey gets his hands on this beetle and when he is struck with a knife it opens up and transforms him into something that looks like a villain on The Power Rangers.

Story by Tony Bedard which isn’t all that awesome. The art by Ig Guara is pretty damned impressive though. I just wish he had more to work with. The jumping back and forth with Spanish and English is cute twice, but stop. I get it. They speak multiple languages. They’re better than me. All right. Enough. I don’t know much about Blue Beetle and this didn’t make me want to.

Captain Atom 1

The story starts off with captain Atom whipping some dude in a robot suit’s ass. As he’s fighting he starts feeling weird and suddenly he disintegrates the suit with a touch scaring the hell out of the guy. And himself. He looks at his hand and it appears to begin to fizzle away before reforming. He heads back to base and Dr. Megala breaks his powers down for him explaining that he is vanishing.

A volcano starts appearing in the middle of New York and a nuclear reactor is getting set to blow in India. He handles the one in India first since that would affect more people. In New York he transforms the lava into snow absorbing way too much energy in the process. He saves the day but the issue ends with him literally falling apart at a molecular level. Aah! Aah! Aah!!!

J.T Krul wrote this (who has been fired from Green Arrow) and amazing art from Freddie Williams II. Captain Atom looked like he was not solid and I liked that. Not sure if it makes me wanna get it pregnant but this was a good start for a character I know pretty much nothing about.

Nightwing, Deadman, Legion Of Superheroes Issue 1

I woke up with Mr. Soot tapping his watch while standing in the doorway of my cell. “You’re sleeping. I don’t like that.” Just as I was about to protest he dropped a stack of comics on my lap. I asked him for more toilet paper. “Use Issue 1 of Static Shock” he said as he left. That’s not a bad idea.

                                       Nightwing 1

Most of what I know about Nightwing is from old ass Teen Titan comics and some of the Batman: The Animated Series. I know about him from when he was the original Robin, but I don’t know about his villains or anything. This issue starts off with Nightwing reminiscing about being Batman for the past year and how it changed him. He is also whipping some ass while doing this. He comes across a visiting circus. The same one that his parents died in. Dun-dun-duuuuuuun!!!

Meanwhile some guy walking through Gotham gets harassed by two thugs. He commences to break one of their necks and caves the other ones face in. Dick Grayson aka Nightwing finally decides to visit the circus and meets all of his old friends while there. A masked man is prowling the streets of Gotham (I assume it’s the same dude that just killed those other guys) sees Dick and attacks him saying he is the “most fiercest killer in Gotham.” While two cops distract this guy (meaning get gutted like fish!) Nightwing appears and fights the guy. This dude is faster and more dangerous than Nightwing and manages to cut him and knock him from a rooftop. The issue ends with Nightwing hurt and down about to be killed.

This was a kickass issue. I don’t know who this crazy ass guy is but I’m interested to find out. The art and story by Kyle Higgins and Eddy Barrows is good and fit’s the story well. Nightwing looks proper when doing flips and turns. Some artists make characters seem strange when they contort but Barrows does not. Very good issue.

Deadman 1

Another guy I barely know anything about. Seen him on the Justice League cartoon once. Pretty sure he’s dead. Good thing this issue covers his entire history. He is shot while working at a circus (apparently working in a circus is second only to working at STAR Labs as being dangerous as hell). He was a selfish prick and is told by a god named Rama, who brings balance to…stuff. She tells Deadman that he has to help others before he can move on.

He gets into the body of a war veteran with no legs. Before that though he finds someone who knew him in life and has to convince her he is Boston Brand aka Deadman by jumping in different people’s bodies. He makes his way back to the vets body and puts a gun to his head. Rama shows up like “What the hezee?!” She doesn’t say that but I imagine she wanted to.

Nice issue and a very good job of introducing the character to people unfamiliar with Deadman. Not sure if I’m dying to read the next issue. This probably would’ve been better if it went more in the dirction of Animal Man or Swamp Thing. This seems too bright for such a dark character. Story and art by Paul Jenkins and Bernard Chang.

Legion Of Superheroes 1

I…I just cant. Too many characters. Too much happening. Too much history. I kept having to flip back and forth to remember which characters did what. Art by Francis Portela is adequate and an overly complicated group of characters Paul Levitz tries to focus on. How about two characters an issue? Unless you’re the Suicide Squad I think I might be having issues with DC’s 52 group comics.