Not The Bad Girl

There's a hot new convict in town! Angela Coates, 22, was arrested in DeKalb, Georgia for disorderly conduct about a month ago. Quinno sent me the link talking about how folk are comparing her to that dude that got arrested and all the women wanted to get pregnant by, Jeremy Meeks. Oh, how I remember him. Couldn't look at the TV or internet without seeing this blue eyed sumbitch staring at me.

Coates is a former Jet Beauty of the Week and a model. That's about all I know. She is getting a lot of attention because she is pretty but that's about it. She doesn't have the criminal history and gang affiliations like Meeks had so she isn't a bad girl. Well, I'm saying that not knowing what “disorderly conduct” means in her situation. She could've bottled someone for all I know which is a thing that a lot of women tend to do when they fight. She was released the same day she was arrested so she couldn't have been too much of a problem. At 5'7” and 140lbs. she's is a sturdy chick. She is also upset and won't be trying for any “crime mugshot look” as well as “I'm the female Jeremy Meeks.” She better hope not because the last I checked that fool was facing 10 years in prison. 

“Police take advantage of their authority each and every day and people assume that since I am 'attractive' that my life is perfect. Well it's not I was wrongfully arrested last month by an officer who abused his authority. Good night.” She said that but continued. “I design shoes my best friend was my dog who got killed I love Disney world and am very family oriented. I put my pants on just like you. But since I'm beautiful I'm just a horrible person. Ok young world.”

She's not gonna earn any sympathy acting like that. People get pissed when attractive people talk about having problems. It sucks but it is a part of life that I'm not a part of. Someone posted on Twitter “I would sell off our family house for the bond money, leave my wife and kids homeless for Angela Coates :(.” What a champion. This chick, since she is a model, needs to take advantage of whatever attention she gets from this that can lead to more work for her.  

Playboy For Nerds

For those who are unaware I am a nerd. If you don’t believe me check me on episode 163 of Tha O Show and listen to me fail epically at picking up a girl. Now, as a nerd it is my responsibility to have a thing for fictional characters. Now, I know some of you may disagree with some on my choices. And that’s fine. Start you own blog and make your own damn list. I present to you all the hottest fake women!

Cheetarah



Any self respecting (or non self respecting) nerd grew up thinking Cheetarah from the Thundercats was hot. Did ya’ll know that when she first showed up she was butt booty ass naked? Seriously. She didn’t wear clothes until the got to 3rd Earth. Stupid prudish planet! See? This is why I never went through an “Ew, girls!” phase. I was a horndog from birth.

Jessica Rabbit



If you didn’t want Jessica Rabbit when you first saw her then something was wrong with you. Yes, I know she isn’t real. I’m retarded, not dumb. Jessica Rabbit gave every nerd out there hope that if you were nice, funny, and got along with folks you could bag a hot chick like her. Now as adults we all know that’s utter bullshit but it was nice to have a dream.

Betty Boop



Not really my cup of tea. Her head is terrifying and if she were real I’d probably shart myself and cry from fear. But I respect her contributions to the delinquency of males for the past 80 years or so. I remember seeing some special where they had her running around with no draws on. Betty was a freak and any girl that really loves her takes it in the back door. Hey. I didn’t make the rules.

The Baroness



Evil as hell and had a thing for some dude with a damn metal face. I knew she was evil when I was a kid but I couldn’t help liking her. Maybe it was the glasses. It sure as hell wasn’t her strange ass accent. Plus she almost always had a gun on her. That ruled.

Chun Li



Maybe this is where my damn thigh fetish started. Chun Li from Street Fighter 2 had almost nothing but kicks and they did everything possible in that damn video game to make sure she showed her draws at every point. If you google Chun Li tons of other nerds have drawn her nude. I’m not beating off to a character. Not that I’m knocking anyone that does. Just use caution. Its hard to play a game with one hand.

Ginormica



Just watched that Mosters vs. Alien movie and while it stunk I was like “That Ginormica is kinda cute…” which is funny because I find the actress Reese Witherspoon who voiced her to be rather pointy. Its like they took her actual face and made her cute.

Power Girl



This is a strong ass superhero that is almost as strong as Superman. Plus she wears a damned outfit where her boobs are totally exposed. Lots of Cos-play people dress as her with very…very bad results. Like, really bad. Lots of fat chicks dress as Power Girl and that ain’t cool.

Harley Quinn



Created for the Batman cartoon, Quinn took off and got ridiculously popular. She’s, insane, cute, and has a corked gun that shoots real bullets which is confusing. I mean, if you think about it for a second. Which I did. Harley will whip your ass and laugh the entire time.

Fox



Look at her. Like a cartoon Halle Barry. So why in the blue fuck did Angelina Jolie play her in the Wanted movie?! Explain this to me! Anyway, Fox is violent as hell, loves to fuck, and curses like a sailor. Sex is actually part of her training regimen. Isn’t that cool?

Wonder Woman



Do I really have to explain this one?

Funny Broads

I know I have said countless times that I don’t find many women all that funny. Yeah, pretty sexist, huh? Growing up I watched stand up all the damn time and each time a chick came out I just stared at the screen and waited for her to leave. I have plenty of chicks I talk to in my personal life that make me crack up thankfully. Over time the jokes have evolved from “So how about that husband of mine?" to a more broad (no pun intended) form of comedy that I can enjoy. That’s good. But, yeah. This list is about chicks that happen to be funny and hot.

Kristen Wiig is the last funny chick on SNL. Everyone else has gone off to make movies and TV shows I don’t watch. The first time I actually found her cute was during her scenes as an asshole in Knocked Up. She has me dying as Target Lady, the nervous lady during the Weekend Update segments, and the hot but disgusting lady with the cutesy laugh.

Aisha Tyler has been hot for way too long. I actually overlook how funny she is just because I find her so attractive and that’s not right. I first saw her on the E! channel when she used to host The Soup and I wanted to get her pregnant. This chick is way hot. I also love that she doesn’t just do “Black” jokes but tells jokes that are funny for everyone.

Amy Poehler at one point and for quite a while the funniest woman on SNL. Yeah, she keeps popping out children and her husband has a strange ass voice but I still like her. She makes me crack up. I cant hear the name Rick without going (in my head of course) “Rick! Rick! Rick!!!” Bonus points for whoever gets that reference. And after Tina Fey bimmed she took over for Weekend Update and made it way funnier.

Tina Fey got an assload of attention for looking like Sarah Palin but she is way hotter to me. I remember when she first showed up on SNL I was like “Shit, she is cute…” in my oh, so sexy voice. I really wish she hadn’t left because she kinda started this mass exodus from the show and the hotness left with her.

Anyone disagree with my list? Or can you explain why I find professional female comedians not very funny?

Julia Roberts Is Not The Hotness

I am tired of the charade. Just sick and tired of it. Its been going on for far too long and its about time someone (me) spoke up about it. Julia Roberts is not attractive. There. I said it.

I keep seeing her in this new movie with Clive Owen (who is the fucking man!) and they showed this scene where she is twirling her panties at him and I tasted bile in my throat. Like, for serious bile. This woman has not ever been hot. Its not some thing like, “Eartha Kitt was hot 40 years ago!” thing. Roberts has never been hot.

Ever seen her brother Eric Roberts? Now he is an actor. If you have never seen him in “Best of the Best” or “Pope of Greenwich Village” you have missed out on the good Roberts in the family. I have never seen something with Julia Roberts and went, “Damn, that is some fine acting.” Not never.

Can we all just collectively agree that Julia is not cute, hot, or “America’s Sweetheart.” Just let her pump out babies and disappear.
Rockets.