Dante Vs. Nature 20

Life isn’t fair. If you’re an adult you know this. We all hope to live to a good age where we’ve spent at least 25% of it doing the things we like and love. We also expect to make it there whole. You know, with all our body parts connected to each other. Sadly, when you toss nature’s bitch ass into the mix things get thrown off kilter. You remember that lady Sandra Herold? No? Well, you probably remember her pet chimp Travis that ripped her friends face off. Yeah. Now you remember.

How you doin'?

The victim, Charla Nash, was recently awarded four million bucks for the damage done to her face. Now when I say that she was damaged I mean that in the same way that I say that space is large. Her face was wrecked! I wont even post a picture of it its so bad. If you want you can Google that shit but I’m not posting an image. Travis ripped off her lips, nose, eyelids, and because nature does shit for funsies ripped her hands off. That’s some mean Mortal Kombat type shit.

Dante vs. Nature 3

People know good and damn well that me and nature go together like bubblegum and crackers. It’s a terrible idea but you’ve done it more than once. I write these to remind myself of why I don’t go anywhere toilets don’t flush, I cant be lulled to sleep by the sound of traffic, and why I stay the fuck out of water. Because we all know that nothing good ever happens in the water.

Japanese Spider Crab. “The Japanese spider crab has the greatest leg span of any arthropod, reaching 3.8 meters (12 ft) from claw to claw. The body may grow to a size of 40 centimeters or 16 inches (carapace width) and the whole crab can weigh up to 41 pounds (19 kg). It is the males which have the longest chelipeds; females have much shorter chelipeds, which are shorter than the following pair of legs. Apart from its outstanding size, the Japanese spider crab differs from other crabs in a number of ways. The first pleopods of males are unusually twisted, and its larvae appear primitive. The crab is orange, with white spots along the legs. It is reported to have a gentle disposition ‘in spite of its ferocious appearance‘.”

Dante vs. Nature 2

Many of my friends know that me and nature don’t get along. I stay away from it and it stays away from me. Every once in a while it’ll send evidence of its existence to my immediate area and I have to bitchslap it to remind it just who the fuck I am like with that cricket from Hell. I made a list of proof that nature is a careless beast that creates things just to personally fuck with me.

Cassowary. “The cassowaries are ratites, very large flightless birds in the genus Casuarius native to the tropical forests of New Guinea, nearby islands and northeastern Australia. The most common of these, the Southern Cassowary, is the third tallest and second heaviest living bird, smaller only than the ostrich and emu. Cassowaries feed mainly on fruit, although all species are truly omnivorous and will take a range of other plant food including shoots, grass seeds, and fungi in addition to invertebrates and small vertebrates. Cassowaries are very shy, but when disturbed, they are capable of inflicting serious injuries to dogs and people.”

Dante vs. Nature

Fuck nature. That’s right. Me and nature have had a tentative agreement for over 30 years now. I stay away from you; you stay away from me. But that all changed yesterday when I was attacked, that’s right!, attacked by this goddamn thing. Look at that shit from Monster Island! I was sitting here minding my business when I go to open my window and fucking Rodan is sitting on my screen. “Fuck you!” I said after my initial heebie jeebie dance. I tried to be nice. I really did. I thumped it on the screen and it just looked at me. With its cold, dead, unforgiving buggy ass eyes.

It looked at me!

With its cold dead eyes it looked at me like I was a little bitch. Dante is no one’s bitch! So I thump the bastard again. He raises his arms up like we about to throw down. “The fuck…” I said to the beast. He wants to play rough. Okay. Pine-Sol time! Yeah, you know what I’m talking about. I squirt him hoping he’s gonna be like “Oh, no! I will retreat now!” But it doesn’t. It just stays. So I set it to laser.

Psoon!

Two of his arms release.

Psoon!

He’s going down, folks!

Psoon!

And he’s down! As a grown as man one shot to my face and I am done. Don’t be a pervbot. As me and my friend are leaving my apartment what do I see? This little fucker is waiting outside perfectly fine and looking at me like its time for round two.

Fuck you, nature. I win.

Rosscast Episode 222: Eff You Nature!

In this episode I talk about chicks not cooking, work, my hatred of nature and everything in it, the world’s deadliest creature, why I don’t wanna travel, a rabbi feeling folks up, Kotex new designs, and two stories from the Only In Florida segment. Click here to download this and past Rosscast shows. Enjoy!