Kids These Days 21

We’ve all heard of ADHD, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, but what exactly is it? How can you tell the difference between an actual disorder or the fact that you just haven’t raised your kids properly and now they are assholes that don’t know how to act in public? We’ve seen kids act a fool in stores and wondered why their parents didn’t give them five across the eye or said to ourselves “That kid is gonna get their ass whipped when they get home!” 

The FDA has just approved a medical scan that can help tell if kids have ADHD and I can already smell the smoke from so many hands rubbing together so hard they burst into flames form the medical community. Oh, all the money’s will be made! A NEBA system will help confirm if a kid from age 6 to 17 has ADHD. I can only imagine what would’ve happened if they hooked this shit up to my head when I was a kid.

How would I describe myself as a kid? A very smart kid that did a lot of dumb shit because fuck it no one is watching. This machine will read brainwaves and then parents can finally breathe a sigh of relief knowing that it wasn’t the fact that they left their kid locked in the car when it was 109 outside and when they returned their kid was talking different. Did Dante always blink twice with his left eye? Doesn’t matter. NEBA says he got the ADHD. 

"My kids are making me racist!"

Studies say that 3 to 7 percent of kids have ADHD which would make you think it would combat the fact that so many kids are so goddamn fat. Cant be fat and always moving around, right? Here is a list of just some of the symptoms from the different versions of ADHD and where I fit in as a child. 

“Difficulty paying attention to details and tendency to make careless mistakes in school or other activities; producing work that is often messy and careless.”

No, this was so not me. I paid so much attention that I drove myself crazy in school. My work wasn’t close to careless. 

“Inability to sustain attention on tasks or activities. Difficulty finishing schoolwork or paperwork or performing tasks that require concentration.”

It depended on if it was boring or not. Seriously. Teachers would give me stuff I would call “baby work.” Stuff would be homework and I would finish it before class ended. But for the most part school was finishing boring shit until I could go jump off shit. 

“Frequent shifts in conversation, not listening to others, not keeping one's mind on conversations, and not following details or rules of activities in social situations.”

Oh, god! It wouldn’t have been so hard to pay attention to conversation if folks knew how to speak Ainglish! Till this day I have zero tolerance for boring ass people speaking. I turn into Verbal Kent just looking at everything else in the room because that coffee cup and where it was made is far more interesting than what someone is saying to me. I shift in conversation all the time. I do it every day. When people have known me for years they know this and roll with it. I’m bad at shifting from one topic to another that makes sense to anyone but me. 

“Running or climbing excessively when it's inappropriate (in teens this may appear as restlessness).”

If people didn’t put up on high shelves I wouldn’t have had to climb it! I wasn’t one of those kids that did shit like that in front of my parents though because I liked not having my ass kicked. As a teen it was just me being lame and not knowing how to get ass from a girl so I stayed home playing electric guitar with my headphones on loudly. 

“Often talking excessively.”

As a kid my report cards would either say “Talks too much in class” or “does not participate.” I would either talk way too damn much or not at all. I still talk too much which is why it is funny when someone describes me as quiet. If you think I am quiet chances are you haven’t been around me for more than five minutes or you’re boring to me so I don’t have anything to say. 

Then we come to the adult shit.

“Impatience.”

I’ve learned that the older I get the more life becomes a game of hurry up and wait. It pisses me off because I have better things to do…in my head. Once you have me sitting and waiting all I’m thinking of is cartoons and exciting ways to escape from where I am. If I am waiting while someone is in the dressing room my head is the best action movie you’ve ever seen. 

“Difficulty delaying responses.”

I’ve gotten better with this one. Not by a lot but there has been some improvement. As a kid I got sent to the office plenty of times for calling someone stupid or telling a teacher something made no sense. It just came out. I cant wait to tell you how wrong you are. I’m a dick. 

“Blurting out answers before questions have been completed.”

Of course. I don’t have time for you to spit shit out when I already know the answer. That’s normal, right?

“Frequently interrupting or intruding on others to the point of causing problems in social or work settings.”

Do you not see me raising my hand? I know you do. My fingers are nine inch dick beaters attached to arms that are three inches longer than they should be! Acknowledge my existence! I do have a problem waiting my turn when people are being stutarded. And why should I wait for someone to finish being stupid when I can be smart right now? Its science. 

“Initiating conversations at inappropriate times.”

Its more inappropriate actions than words. Like when I did a strip tease after my cousins husband was killed to make her laugh. Hey, it worked. Don’t judge me. I learned from my late brother to say shit at weird times. How else are we supposed to appreciate the strangeness of life if someone doesn’t do commentary? 

"I want all the pills!!!"

I know that if I was growing up today that I would be on multiple medications, seeing at least four therapists, searching the internet for the elusive butt sex, and doing things that would shame my ancestors. Or in jail. Jail because kids nowadays don’t know how to fight so they just shoot or burn things. 

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