Sunday, October 11, 2015

Johnny Panic: Father/Daughter Fieldtrip

“Why does our daughter smell like ashes?” is not a question many parents have to answer to.

But I'm not like many parents. For one, the entire world knows who I am. For two, other parents are better liars than I am. Can't wait till Milly is old enough to grasp the concept of Santa Claus. That fat, red liar got all the credit my mother deserved growing up. I won't lie to my child! My lady...that's another story.

“I think she got into the chimney” I say to Ronica. Ronica is my lady not my wife. I call her my wife sometimes. She's dragging her heels on getting married until she loses all the weight she gained when she was pregnant with Milly. She's five pounds lighter than before she was pregnant. Its a lie. I'm just returning the lie favor.

“We live in Hawaii” she tells me.

“I know, right?!” I say. “And its so beautiful here...”

“And we don't have a chimney.”

“What kind of home has no chimney?!” I ask, genuinely shocked at this turn of events.

“Don't try to change the subject.”

“This will not stand!” I shout. Milly laughs and shouts as well which makes the pictures on the wall wobble and Ronica wince. “I refuse to raise our child in a chimney-less home! Pack your bags, sugarfoot. We're moving!”

“Why?” Zazz asks, just wandering into the conversation like its a buffet.

“Did you know we had no chimney?” I ask him. He just stares at me like a chicken. They have a very particular stare. Its unsettling. “Did you?!”

“Yeah” Zazz says and walks out of the room.

“And you're okay with this?” I ask. “Well, we might as well live on the beach!”

“We do” he says from the other room.

“Animals!” I say. Milly tries to say it but it sounds more like “Ammals” and its cute and everything but I need to focus.

“You still haven't explained why our daughter smells like the Marlboro Man” Ronica says trying to break my concentration.

“Are you accusing me of giving our daughter cigarettes?”

“This is one of the times where I'm not sure if you're pretending to be stupid or serious.”

“I pretend nothing!” I say and fly outside.

How do you explain to the mother of your child that you took your daughter to a volcano and flew into the lava just to see how strong she was? Oh, shut up with your judging! She's a super-baby! When I was a kid the military aka The Man would do all kinds of crazy tests to see what my limits were. Milly is already more powerful than I was at 8 and she isn't even 2 years old yet. Yeah, I'm jealous. But I'm not gonna put my kitten head through that. It was boring. Oh, it was so boring!

Can he lift this tank? Yes.

Can he fly into space? Yes.

Is he bulletproof? Yes.

Can he break the sound barrier? Yes.

Is he going to yawn the entire time? Likely.

As strong as I want Milly to be I'm still nervous about what that damned psychic said a while back. Like, how she was one day going to grow up and kill me as a super villain named Millennium. That shit is stressful. I've never told Ronica about any of this and made Zazz swear not to. I fear that one day she'll wave cake in his face and break him. I hear giggling and turn to see Milly floating on a tether while Ronica lets her go a few feet and pulls her back down going “Hup!” which Milly thinks is the funniest sound on the planet next to deer barking.

“Walter, what have you been up to?” she asks me using my government name. When she does this it means business. And not the sexy kinda business I prefer. “You've been spending more time with Milly than usual and every time you bring her back she smells funny or has a different outfit on.”

“Nothing wrong with a man wanting his daughter to look fly” I say. “I really think we should move. I miss L.A.”

“No, you don't.”

“You're right” I tell her. But I do. I miss being able to pronounce the food I'm eating. The hell is Ko'elepalau anyway? I miss landing in front of clubs in a minute instead of fifteen. I miss chimneys.

“Are you thinking about chimneys?”


“I wish you'd tell me why our daughter stinks” Ronica says. Milly just laughs.  

No comments: