Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Johnny Panic: Check Your Privilege Part 2 of 3

About ten minutes after we left that photography place and Zazz continued to lie about never taking dick pics Ronica called to let me know about an accident on the 10 freeway. I wasn't doing anything but quietly judging my best friend so I decided to head over and help. I got there and kinda made the situation worse.

The scene of an accident is already full of chaos. Having the world's only superhero show up to help doesn't...help. People tend to stare and take pictures instead of handling business. I land next to a car that is smoking and gonna blow up any second and half on top of this lady. I go to snatch it up and an EMT screams at me.

“Panic, stop!”

“How come why?”

“Her legs are underneath! Suddenly moving the pressure can make it worse!”

“That doesn't make any sense.”

“This is my job! I know what I'm talking about!”

“So...I should leave?”

“Put out the goddamn fire and let us do our job! Please?”

How often does someone help in a rescue feel even worse than when they arrived? I got Zazz the human ice cream truck telling me to check my privilege. An ambulance dude screaming at me just 'cause I'm trying to help. The sky is hazy so the sun isn't hitting my eyes at that perfect angle to make them glow. This is shit. Fucking Zazz.

I mean seriously.

He is on my payroll as my security. Me. A guy that can not be killed by anything known to man or that one alien race has Zazz being paid to be my security. Its stupid but I had to do something for the poor guy. He has no useful skills other than chewing and swallowing. Maybe he could go into competitive eating.

We get back home and Aimee is happy with the shirt Zazz got her using the money I pay him to not protect me. I go and sit in the living room. We headed home with him sitting in The Beast with me flying it with one hand while texting this soda company because I can not be represented by, let's call them Sepsi, anymore. Their can color goes with nothing I wear. Ronica knows something is bothering me and sits down and pokes my neck trying to make me giggle. I don't.

“What's wrong, champ?”


“Trying out something new.”

“I saved that chick from that car accident.”

“That made you sad?”

“I'm not sad.”

“You are. Your lip is sticking out and everything.”

Anyways, so I save her but the ambulance guy yelled at me. Told me to let him do his job.”


“But before that Zazz told me to check my privilege.”


“I don't know but I didn't like his tone! And...and he said he never sent a dick pic before!”

“I got the text.”

“You're welcome for that by the way. But while we were flying around I started thinking about how stupid it is that I'm paying him for security.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah. I mean, like, how stupid is it that I pay him for that?!”

“You don't.”


“He hasn't been on the payroll for security for close to four years, Walter.”

“Then who am I cutting fat checks to for that? Somebody has been making mad paper off a lie! Fraud! Fraud, I say!”

“As one of the team of people that handle all of your accounts I personally know every hand that is in your cookie jar.”

“Put my hand in your cookie jar...”

“Later. Zazz makes most of his money selling online merchandise with Aimee and none of it is your brand.”

“The fuck? He selling jewelry on Etsy or something?”

“No, but Aimee does. He's a great artist and has even helped design some of your designs. He asked for no credit to be given to him.”

“Oh.” Now I feel like a dick. “Why didn't he say anything? Now I'm mad at him again. I'm a roller coaster of emotions right now.” Ronica pulls me in and lays my head on her lap. “I like your legs but I'm still on a roller coaster.”

“I know you think that the world is full of leeches that just want to suck on your famous blood, but Zazz isn't one of them.” She rubs my cheek in this spot that makes my toes curl. “He wants you to be the best you that you can be and doesn't want to get in the way. Plus, you two are around each other all the time. You're bound to fight every once in a while.”

“He can't fight me. I'm tough.”

“I know.”

“I'd kick his ass.”

“I know you would.”

“I'm a superhero.”

“Well aware.”

“Remember that time I kick a tank?”

“You showed me the video last week.”

“I kicked it good.”

“Just let Zazz be Zazz. He's has his own money. He has a beautiful wife. And he is best friends with the only superhero in the world.”


“Yes, you.” Ronica kisses me on the eye. “Got to get them in before your heat vision kicks in.”

“You ever get any dick pics?”

“Not from anyone but you in a while” she says. I jump up quickly.

“Who sent you dick pics?! I need names! Full names! And addresses!”

“This was before we got together” she tells me. “It was a terrible picture. Camera technology wasn't what it is today.”

“Were the pubes on fleek?”

“Not at all.”

“Okay” I say. “That makes me feel better. I don't know why but it does.”

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