Miss BumBum Pageant Winner 2015

It is that time of the year where a pageant is held to crown the lady with the best ass in Brazil! Yes, this is a yearly thing which makes sense because when I think of Brazil I think of ass. And Children of God. And that spider that can bite you and make your penis so hard that it explodes. You think I'm making that up but I'm not. This is a real pageant. Oh, you thought I was still talking about that spider. No, I am talking about that Miss BumBum Pageant, son!

This years winner is Suzy Cortez. Mind you, this is about ass. Not, like, her face and stuff. Asses seem to be very important in Brazil and Black people of course and has now become a thing all over the world. Brazil accounts for 13% of plastic surgery in the world but you cant have a fake ass and enter this contest. I'll get to more on that later.

Cortez is a 26 year old fitness model and she and 500 other chicks competed in this pageant. I'm not even sure what the prize is other than a ton of people knowing you have the best ass this year. “I've been preparing myself for the past four months. I've always wanted to win this contest. I dedicated myself completely. I dieted and did rigorous training.” That entire sentence is funny to me. She's always wanted this and trained hard the last four months.

Now for the dark side of ass pageants.

A couple of years ago the runner up named Andressa Urach almost died after a botched ass implant. Somehow the contestants had to prove that they had real badonkadonks and not fake ones like most of the women we are seeing on TV. Looking at you K. Michelle and Nicki Minaj. The fillers used in her legs and ass started to rot and when she was having them removed she went into septic shock and that was almost all she wrote. Now she has holes all over her legs and I have included an edited image.

“I never thought twice about going under the knife, and when people warned me of the dangers I just thought, 'I'll deal with that if it happens.' I'd go to the doctor like I go to the supermarket, saying I wanted this, that and the other. I just wanted people to look at me and think, 'wow'”...she said from her wheelchair. Mind you, I have written about these botched surgeries in the past. People going to hotels and getting rubber cement jammed into their bodies an' shit.

As much as I like a big ass its now at a point where the scales will tip back towards chicks looking hungry as hell. Much like we have accepted that a woman can walk into a room with hair that is not real, nails that are not real, eye color that is not real, face paint on to change her appearance, breasts that are false, and shoes to make her inches taller than she really is we are now accepting of women walking around with legs and asses pumped with chemicals.

And we still laugh at guys wearing toupees.

I have seen these contestants for this contest and they do not have the kinds of ass I like to look at. I like all kinds of them but I have never been into the tight, fitness model ass. And ass is never a deal breaker for me. I've only had two ex's that had what would be considered big asses. I know and have known girls that wanted a bigger ass (or insert other body part) and I thought that they were beautiful the way they are and didn't need to go under a knife but my opinion doesn't count when it comes to that. Its about what makes them happy and if the risks of having their limbs fall off doesn't stop someone from having a bigger ass (for a while) I cant stop them.