Dante Bitches About 10 Things Guys Absolutely Hate About Missionary Sex

I dislike Cosmopolitan with the type of hatred reserved for people battling vengeful Roman gods that wipe out generations of children just to bone their mother. Every once in a while I'll check their site out to see what terrible advice they are giving women and men or to learn what not to do and complain about. In this Dante Bitches About 10 Things Guys Absolutely Hate About Missionary Sex I am gonna post what they have written, Frank Kobola (if that's his real name) and post my own response because that is what I do. Respond. Never act. I'm like the Floyd Mayweather Jr. of blogs. But taller. And less rich. And slightly more liked.

1) There's not much to see. In terms of tried-and-true “lie on top of each other and pork” style missionary, you’re not getting to see much of the action. Guys especially are very visual during sex, and as romantic as it is to stare into your eyes while boning, it isn’t exactly titillating. Yes, we love looking at your lovely face, but we get to see that every time we go out to dinner or brush our teeth together in the mirror. This is about sex, specifically nakedness. And virtually every other sex position imaginable gives guys a better look at your body.

Let me first start this by saying that I like missionary sex. Hell, almost any sex is better than none. I said almost. I've had some bad boning in my days. Or bland. Bland is worse than bad. I'll explain why at some point. No one says you have to stare at someone in the eyes the entire time like some weirdo. Pretty sure no chick is into that. I'm usually busy thinking about how awesome it is I am getting some ass or making sure I'm in the right hole. I mean, come on. They are right in the same vicinity. If its a category of porn then its a real thing, damn it. Plus, I got long arms so I can lift myself up a few feet and get a good look at the area and the chick as well. One time a lady did ask me to look her in the eyes and I was like “Why?” Not in a rude way. I thought it was a trap.

2) You’re right up in each other’s faces. This certainly can be one to throw into the "pros" column, but it’s really dependent on what you just ate. Missionary after you ate a bagel with garlic and onion cream cheese, or when you have a runny nose, is not the best idea.

If you eat some stank ass food and climb on top of someone you had better be dating longer than a year. After that all bets are off. Having the sex with stank ass morning breath is totally on the menu but that doesn't mean you have to be huffing and puffing in their grill, you nasty bastard. Just get on top, bury your face in the pillow, and put that morning wood to good use. Seriously, its ridiculous. I could cut diamonds with this thing when I wake up.

3) He’s doing all the work. This is not the sex position for the lazy man. Typically, missionary sex means the guy is going to wind up doing all the thrusting. Maybe he just woke up and you’re looking for some lazy morning sex. So is he. And for him, this is the opposite of laziness.

You might as well not even have sex if you are gonna be lazy about it. I'm sure this lazy sex is one of many reasons relationships and marriages end. I have been woken out of a dead sleep just by a hand lightly grazing my junk. I wake up immediately like “We fuggin'? Want sum fuk?!” Yes, I talk like people text when I am woken for sex. It is not a good idea to sleep close to me, ladies. And who is this lazy woman not doing any work? Granted, I have slept with women that thought all they had to do was be there to have fun. No. You have to put in some effort. Sex is like Disneyland. You have to be proactive in the fun or else you will have a miserable experience along with the photos to prove it. Huh?

4) It’s basic. Missionary feels lame because everyone treats it as the default sex position. It’s simple and uncomplicated. It’s learning to play “Hot Cross Buns” on the recorder. It’s how your parents have sex. It’s how your grandparents have sex.

Know what else is basic? Healthcare. And folks still can't get that right. I have zero desire to know how my ancestors had sex. I like to imagine that things were different back then and they just walked into a dark room, hugged, and nine months later a problem was created. You got to learn somewhere. If you start off having sex doggystyle like some kinda fucking animal then, yeah, missionary is gonna seem rather lame. But you need to do it and perfect it. When you first have sex with someone you need to start off here. You can't go into sex thinking “Oh, I've done this hundreds of times with other women, so let me see if she appreciates an Alabama Hot Pocket.” No, you savage! And don't look Alabama Hot Pocket up. Let me shoulder that burden for all of us.

5) It’s not ideal if he’s husky. He’s slowly crushing you and pressing you into the mattress, breathing heavily and sweating all over you. All right, that might not be what’s actually happening, but if he’s self-conscious, it might be what he thinks is happening. He could be his own worst enemy here. Or, also, that could actually be happening.

Hey. If its hot and sweaty then guess what? Ya getting sweated on. Them's the rules. Just have a towel nearby or that pillow your face should be buried in I mentioned earlier. Or work on your cardio, you fatty fatty fat-fat. If you can't support your own weight chances are you can't support your relationship. I think I just fat shamed and financial shamed at the same time. Wait. They fat shamed first with that husky comment. I use to wear husky sized pants. I'm being husky shamed! Full disclosure, I used to get way more action when I was overweight. Maybe they knew I couldn't run away for long.

6) What is he supposed to do with his arms? There’s no ideal spot for his arms during missionary. Sure, he can put them under you or at your sides, but it just feels awkward. And standard push-up position makes this feel a lot more like military than missionary, am I right? Sorry.

No, you're wrong. There are a ton of things to do with your arms...and hands. You know what I'm talkin' 'bout. You can give her the ol' Right There Fred and grab some ass. Bend some legs. Squeeze many of the available parts that women have on their bodies. Are we sure the guy that write this has even had sex...with a woman? Ladies bodies are like being locked in an amusement park after it closes. Scary at first but once you know you're safe its all Willy Wonka, baby. Come with me and you'll be in a world of pure imagination...

7) It probably isn’t his favorite sex position. This would be a bold claim if it weren’t for the fact that missionary isn’t anyone’s favorite sex position.

You don't know that, MC Presumptuous. You're not the master of all dick. Of the five positions I can think of quickly its number three. Depending on the size of the woman its two. Hey. You ever been crushed in a 69? That's what I thought. Stop missionary shaming.

8) He always has to be doing something with his head and face. The best positions are the ones where you can just go to town without a care in the world. With missionary, he has to be kissing or burying his face in your neck or...something. He can’t just sit there and stare at you during sex. Only serial killers do that.

Oh, god forbid you have to kiss a woman! Oh, its so gross! And a woman neck is awesome and I wish I could visit that place more often but everyone is shorter than me. This shit seems like it was written by a dude that had missionary sex one too many times and is on this one man crusade to stop anyone from enjoying or feeling lame if they do. I am here to tell you that you can fuck however you like. If you like missionary do that shit so well that she'll be like “Forget the butt stuff tonight. I want you to climb me like an old lady with a step ladder that lives alone whose children never visit. Let's get dangerous!”

9) You can wind up bursting his eardrums. Speaking of having his face in your neck, if you’re loud, you could be screaming right into his ear while you climax. On the one hand, at least he knows you're enjoying yourself. On the other, he has tinnitus now.

Oowee! She's screaming too loud in my ear because I'm fucking her so good! There are ways to stop that screaming and I won't get into it here but let's just say she may be into it more than you think. You can't be a weirdo and match her screams so just ride it out. Worse case scenario: your neighbors know you're fucking. Best case scenario: your neighbors know you fuck hard. The only time I have ever felt like I should lodge a complaint about yelling was when this one chick yelled at weird times. I was like “If this felt that good to me I'd be proposing to you.”

10) You’re literally fucking lying on top of each other. Where’s the creativity? Where’s the effort? You’re sitting there thinking, OK, we want to mash our genitals together, how do we accomplish that and not much else? Oh, lie on top of me. Reach for the stars, people.

This guy is wack. He acts like you are laying on top of each other with your arms to your sides bouncing. He plank fucking. You know how many things you can do from a missionary position? A lot! Throw that leg over your shoulder. Throw her leg over her own shoulders. Its sad that I am more excited about this position and defensive of it considering I haven't gotten laid since Obama was in office. Don't listen to anything Cosmo tells you. Ever.

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