Superman: Doomsday Movie Review

After watching Superman: Doomsday I have come to realize that the people who live in Metropolis are dumbasses. Whenever there is trouble they all rush outside and stare at what’s happening. If I live there I have a bunker far underground. But even that’s not safe because battles go every damned where. I decided to watch this after my constant Superman bashing that goes on during my blogs on this site. So let’s see how that little experiment went.

"Let me holla at'cha, bitch! Holla holla holla!"

The movie starts with Lois Lane nagging Superman about the fact that she doesn’t know his secret identity. That don’t stop her from banging him for half a year though! Could you imagine what your friends would say about you?! “Hey, Vicky Vale? I hear you and Batman are together…” “Yeah. But he gives me his Batwang with the cape on.” he tells her that she will get hurt if she knew but she’s a woman so she’s just like “You have commitment issues!” So he hurls her into space and gives her the Degeneration X crotch chop!

"Whatchu lookin' at?"

That doesn’t happen. Meanwhile on the other side of the globe Lex Luthor is digging and his people find a thing from space. They accidentally crack it open and Doomsday busts out and is like “I’m gonna kill anything that has a shadow!” And he does! He kills everyone there. He even kills a doe. A deer. A female deer! Why? Because it looked at him!

Everyone watching the deserves to have died.

Doomsday makes his way to Metropolis and him and Superman get into a hell of a battle. Just lots of punches and hair pulling. Let me say something for a second. DC pulled this shit in Batman: The Animated Series with Batman when he fought Bane and just snatched the chord with the venom drug out of Bane’s neck after turning it to overdrive. In this movie Superman drives Doomsday into the ground from space. Why not keep going? Why bring him back down into your city?! Its still better than punching each other to death.

Just because you sleep with Superman that doesn't mean you are invincible.

So Superman dies and everyone is sad and all I’m thinking is “Where the hell is The Justice League?” Jimmy quits The Daily Planet. Perry White starts drinking. Lois is all depressed so she drives to Smallville and pretty much lets Clark Kent’s mom because she realizes that Clark hasn’t called and Superman is dead. Took someone dying to know that the dude looks exactly the same but wears glasses!

Merry Christmas!

Next thing you know…boom! Superman is back and fucking people up. He is strange around Lois though. He captures Toyman who looks like a complete pedophile. I thought he looked like an actual toy but I guess they went with a different look. It turns out that this new Superman is a clone by Luthor. He has Superman in his back pocket. Dun-dun-dun!

Swear I saw him on "To Catch A Predator."

Superman’s robot stole his corpse because he was actually not dead. He helps him get better at the Fortress Of Solitude. Lex had stolen the body originally which is kinda creepy when you think about it. Actually its fucking creepy! Seriously, Lex? Seriously?! Corpse stealing?! So while fake Superman is flying around he hears that Toyman killed a child and he’s like “Its time to turn it to 11!” So he kills him.

Superman don't share his cereal with nobody!

Dead serious. He flies him into the sky and drops him on top of a cop car in front of the police station. Then he scares an old lady half to death because her cat got loose and he had to save it. Then the cops try to arrest him and he burns their guns and walks off to a salon. He finds the little lead coated Kryptonite ball in his brain and digs it out causing a salon employee to faint.

Edward James Olmos as Superman.

Bad Superman finds Lex and his lab full of clones while Lois and Jimmy are investigating it and captures Luthor in his red sun room with Kryptonite gloves (does this stuff grow on trees?!) and damn near kills him. The real Superman gets a Kryptonite gun from his robot friend and heads to Metropolis.

Hey, look! More punching!

The two Superman fight it out with the real Superman at only 67% but he’s got a gun so fuck full strength. He wins of course and Lex isn’t dead. Just busted up. He needs to be in jail. This movie was good until Superman died. I didn’t know it was gonna be full of just watching the city get destroyed and people just stand around not dodging certain death. Lois dumbass even almost gets killed on her first assignment out since Supes death! There’s no need to really see this. Its like five years old anyway.

Justice League Doom Review

Once again DC knocks it out the damned park with their animated films! I saw the trailer for Justice League: Doom last year and was so damned excited. It wasn’t the Legion Of Doom from when I was little that was all super cheesy. These guys (and gals) were like “We are gonna wreck shit and wreck it well!” And, by god, they so did. The wrecked everyone so damned hard. I should probably describe the story.

Batman finds the Royal Flush Gang robbing a vault and using technology that is way out of their league. Superman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern, Martian Manhunter, and Flash all show up and whip their asses. Oh, and Cyborg is there because Batman’s all like “This kid has potential.” Speaking of Batman, he is all banged up and refuses help from the League and heads home.

When he gets to the Bat Cave trusty Alfred is like “Dude, you need to rest.” Batman doesn’t know it but Mirror Master snuck in the rearview mirror of The Batmobile and hacks his computer system. Next thing you know Bane is walking through a swamp and has to whip an alligators ass. Star Sapphire shows up as well as Cheetah, Metallo, and Ma’alefa’ak whose name I refuse to type up again. The Legion Of Doom base rises and they enter.

Vandal Savage offers each of them ten million to fight their respective foes. They don’t get why he’d pay for something they do all the time badly. He explains that he has a plan to destroy two thirds of the planets population. Oh, and the thing that was hacked in the Bat Cave? Nothing. Just the files on how to take out every single Justice League member.

Bane shows up at Wayne manner and beats the hell out of Batman and buries him alive in his parents coffin with their corpses still inside! Superman has to help a suicidal man who turns out to be Metallo in disguise who shoots him with a Kryptonite bullet. Wonder Woman is infected with nano-bots that make everyone look like Cheetah. Green Lantern fails at saving a woman and loses his will to continue. Flash has a bomb jammed through his wrist and it will blow up if he stops running. And worse of all Martian Manhunter drinks something that makes him sweat a fuel and he is set on fire which burns continuously.

Now to explain why this is bad. Batman has to punch his way out of a coffin while staring at his parents corpse which will wreck any human. Superman--do you really need me to explain why a Kryptonite bullet is bad? Flash will blow up anything within three miles if he stops running.

Green Lantern’s ring is powered off of will. Martian Manhunter’s weakness is fire. Wonder Woman will continue to fight until she dies. Cyborg saves her (and has his arm ripped off) and Batman informs them all that he created the plans to defeat every member of the team.

Now, this doesn’t go over well. Its pretty honked up that Batman has a way to take out each of his teammates. Vandal Savage lets his team know that he cant die and that the money he is giving his team will be worthless but that he will give them control over society. They’re cool with that. He tries to launch his missile and the League show up and try to stop him.

This movie was awesome. I never thought that Cyborg could be cool or that Mirror Master could be dangerous. Yeah, he was using Batman’s plans that were stolen by Savage but whatever. It was still great. They squeezed so much information about each character and their motivation for wanting to defeat each other. I never thought Cheetah was dangerous until now. If you can check this out do so as soon as possible.

DC Showcase: Catwoman

DC Comics continues to make Marvel look like shit in terms of animated movies, shorts, and series. I found this DC Showcase Presents: Catwoman and was kinda nervous at first. What with the images of the film in my head floating around still I wasn’t sure if she would be able to support herself.

"When the boss said we'd be chasing pussy all night I thought..."

Turns out I didn’t need to worry at all. The story starts off with a cat being shot at by two thugs until it falls off a bridge. A limo pulls up and this big ass White dude with diamond teeth ask them if the job is done. They say yes and head to a strip club. How else do you celebrate animal murders than by watching chicks dance?

This guy gives a chick a diamond chunk while another mentions that the last dancer that got one vanished. Catwoman shows up and suddenly ink and paper is making my pants tight. She does a dance and ends up whipping these guys asses.

Boner goes up...boner goes down!

The rest of the short is Catwoman getting into a hardcore fight involving motorcycles, explosions, and her scratching the shit out of people! I’m serious. You see her scratch someone once in a while but watching this made me realize how much it would absolutely suck to have someone do this to you.

After killing a few guys Catwoman opens large bin and its full of women who were being sold into sex slavery. One of them is a friend of hers I recognized from Batman: Year One. This short ruled. The animation, the story, the action. In just under fifteen minutes they managed to establish Catwoman as an actual threat without even mentioning Batman. Which I cant do. Because I love him.

Hey, I found a link! You can watch this right here. Until someone removes it.

Astonishing X-Men: Gifted

Marvel Comics needs to get his shit together. Them and their marketing team apparently because I didn’t even know this movie existed. I’m talking about Astonishing X-Men: Gifted. It’s a moving comic book and is based off the series of the same name written by nerd overlord Joss Whedon. Now, we all know that just because something has the X name in it doesn’t guarantee it’ll be successful. This continued that trend. Meanwhile DC Comics is knocking them out the park each and every time.

It starts off with Kitty Pryde showing up at the mansion for the first day of school with a new group of students. The team is composed of Beast, Wolverine, Cyclops, and Emma Frost. Cyclops and Frost are dating even though he is pretty much just using her to keep his genitals warm until Jean Grey comes back. They even point out that people always come back to life. More on that later. Even though these people have known and worked together for decades its like they never have before. Maybe its because Xavier is gone which is fine since he’s a lying asshole.

There is a new drug being developed that will cure the mutant “disease.” A few new students want to give it a try and Beast is all like “Oh, hell yes!” Wolverine is pissed that he would even consider it. So they fight. This is the second fight Wolverine has started since he got back. The cure was built because an alien named Ord that looks like what the Devil picks from his teeth and it makes no sense that any human would look at him and go “I believe everything you say” told them that a mutant was gonna wreck shit in three years.

Fast forward to SHIELD being involved somehow but not really, the team sneaking into the base and finding a dead mutant, and Kitty finding out that Colossus is not really dead but had his mind transported into another body that does everything his old one did. He beats the hell out of the bad guy and all is right with the world. But not. I know that this was just part of an arc but it felt like total nonsense and I don’t get why people thought this was one of the best X-Men stories in the last ten years.

Batman: Year One

“Nothing harms me. But I know pain. I know pain. And sometimes I share it…with someone like you.” - Batman

When you sit down for a moment and think about it, Batman is a creepy ass character. The look. The voice. The fact that he only comes out at night. There is nothing about the guy that is kid friendly. He’s not gonna climb a tree to save a cat. He’s more likely to stare it down. But surprisingly, Batman: Year One is not just the story of Batman. Its also about Commissioner James Gordon and Selina Kyle aka Catwoman.

This movie is based off of the Frank Miller graphic novel of the same title and sticks about 95% close to the source material. Bruce Wayne (I swear if I have to tell you who Bruce Wayne is I’m gonna box your ears!) returns to Gotham after being gone for years. He knows that the city needs to be cleaned up but is not quite sure how to do it. Arriving by train is Gordon who hates the city and regrets bringing his pregnant wife there from Chicago. Gordon meets his new partner Detective Flass who is an asshole jock that beats people up for fun and takes bribes. Gordon keeps an eye on him.

Meanwhile Bruce Wayne decides to try out some training and heads to where the hookers are. He is propositioned by a little girl whose pimp hits her and threatens Bruce with a knife. Bruce breaks him down like a human Jenga and is attacked by the same little girl he just helped! He gets stabbed and is then attacked by Selina Kyle who is a prostitute at this point. She matches him movie for move until the cops show up and shoot Bruce in the shoulder and arrest him. He gets free after crashing the squad car and saves both their lives. He gets home and recalls the night his parents were murdered and says that he would rather die than wait another for a way to fight crime. That’s when a giant bat crashes through the window giving him his inspiration.

Commissioner Loeb does not like how goody-goody Gordon is and decides that Flass needs to teach him a lesson. They beat him with bats leaving him unconscious. He gets his stuff together and finds Flass leaving a friends house and drives him off the road. Then he beats the crap out of him and leaves him lying naked and handcuffed in the woods. That’s what you get for threatening a man’s pregnant wife!

Later when Gordon and Detective Essen who is having an affair with trap Batman in a building that is being bombed, he hides and waits for the SWAT team to arrive. Batman takes them down one by one before using a new device to bring every bat from his cave to the scene and scaring the bejesus out of everyone. Batman gets away even after being shot two more times. You know why? Because he’s Batman! Selina ends up spending the last of her money on a costume to become Catwoman and gets upset that the press calls her Batman’s sidekick and helper.

Oh, there’s more but you all need to see it for yourself. Thankfully Mr. Soot let me borrow this because as I have mentioned before, DC Comics has the best animated comic book related films by far. The art, the story, and the action is amazing. I wasn’t blown away by Batman’s voice but he got the tone right. His behavior as Bruce Wayne was remarkable. I loved the scene where he grosses out Gordon’s wife by spreading his legs wearing only a robe. Talk about a Bat-A-Wang! Hahaha! Get it?! Oh, you know that was funny.