DC Showcase: Catwoman

DC Comics continues to make Marvel look like shit in terms of animated movies, shorts, and series. I found this DC Showcase Presents: Catwoman and was kinda nervous at first. What with the images of the film in my head floating around still I wasn’t sure if she would be able to support herself.

"When the boss said we'd be chasing pussy all night I thought..."

Turns out I didn’t need to worry at all. The story starts off with a cat being shot at by two thugs until it falls off a bridge. A limo pulls up and this big ass White dude with diamond teeth ask them if the job is done. They say yes and head to a strip club. How else do you celebrate animal murders than by watching chicks dance?

This guy gives a chick a diamond chunk while another mentions that the last dancer that got one vanished. Catwoman shows up and suddenly ink and paper is making my pants tight. She does a dance and ends up whipping these guys asses.

Boner goes up...boner goes down!

The rest of the short is Catwoman getting into a hardcore fight involving motorcycles, explosions, and her scratching the shit out of people! I’m serious. You see her scratch someone once in a while but watching this made me realize how much it would absolutely suck to have someone do this to you.

After killing a few guys Catwoman opens large bin and its full of women who were being sold into sex slavery. One of them is a friend of hers I recognized from Batman: Year One. This short ruled. The animation, the story, the action. In just under fifteen minutes they managed to establish Catwoman as an actual threat without even mentioning Batman. Which I cant do. Because I love him.

Hey, I found a link! You can watch this right here. Until someone removes it.

Hollywood Hates Comic Books

Hollywood is accused a lot of times of rebooting or rehashing things. When it comes to comic books the same rule applies. There have been a few Superman, Batman, and Hulk films that change actors or pretend the last films didn’t happen in the first place. These are some (of lord knows how many) comic book based films that I would love to be seen done correctly.

Wanted

Kid with shitty job, girlfriend, and life meets hot Black chick who kills everyone in a restaurant and tells him that his father was recently killed (right before watching some dudes have sex and recording it on tape). Turns out dad was known as The Killer and belonged to The Fraternity; a group of super villains who gathered one day and defeated every hero in the world and erased the world’s memory making them forget heroes ever existed. He rapes, kills, and causes mayhem just for fun. Father returns saying he faked his death and has his son kill him to inherit millions of dollars and it all ends happily ever after.

Kid with shitty job, girlfriend, and life meets skinny White woman who stops an assassin from killing him in market. Finds out father was killed and belonged to a group known as The Fraternity. This group has mastered the ability to make bullets turn in the air. Oh, and they take their orders from a loom. A fucking loom. In the end everyone dies except the kid who threatens Hollywood and the public with a sequel. Please don’t. There are no costumes or super villains in this entire movie.

Catwoman

Burglar Selina Kyle spends her free time stealing cash and mostly jewelry from some of the wealthiest people in Gotham City. Has on again and off again relationship with Batman. Before beginning a life of crime spent time training in martial arts and being a prostitute. As a child both her parents die (suicide and alcoholism) and she is placed in an orphanage. Tries to get administrator arrested for stealing money but is caught and tossed in river in a sack. She comes back and has him erase her name from records. Catwoman is very resilient. A fairly simple story that would be pretty impossible to ruin, right?

Artist and graphic designer Patience Phillips overhears the makeup company she works for is still planning to sell a makeup that causes disfigurement. They find her and she tries to escape through a pipe but ends up drowning. A cat brings her back to life and she discovers she now has cat-like abilities like throwing her leg over her head and licking herself and saying terrible puns. She wears a mask and torn leather pants and begins to fight crime. Seriously. This was filmed for $100,000,000. I still have no idea where $99,000,000 of that money went to. Maybe the Thai stuntman that did all the hard stuff. I'm serious. A tiny man did all those flippy moves. Think about that when you're touching yourself to this movie.

Hellblazer: John Constantine

Londoner John Constantine while in his mothers womb strangled his twin brother with an umbilical cord. She then died giving birth. He grows up knowing how to use magic but chooses not to deciding to fight dirty instead. All of his friends die just from knowing him. He is a total asshole that hates his abilities and ha demon blood from having sex with a succubus and a transfusion with a demon. His look is based off of musician Sting.

John Constantine does exorcisms for a living with his assistant who is pretty useless. He is hired to investigate the murder of a cops twin sister. Meanwhile a Mexican guy finds a weapon, the Spear Of Destiny, and is walking to L.A to bring evil. Constantine fights bug men, crazy ass angels, and even Satan himself…until he stops Constantine from dying and cures him of lung cancer. This movie loses on so many levels the highest being Shia LeBouf.

Superman

An alien child from Krypton lands on Earth, specifically Smallville, Kansas. They teach him to be a good man. He stands for “truth, justice, and the American way.” He’s saved the planet more times than he can count. Battles creatures to protect not only his city of Metropolis, but the world. Works by day as a reporter. In love with fellow reporter Lois Lane for decades. Wears bright blue suit with red underwear and looks as if he is chiseled from stone. One of the most powerful comic book characters ever created. He has heat vision, freeze breath, super speed, super strength, and the ability to fly. Only weaknesses are Kryponite and magic.

An alien child returns back to Earth after leaving for years. He left but not before reversing the planets rotation to save one person, using the ability to teleport, create holograms of himself, freezing entire lakes (animals and possible swimmers be damned) to put out a fire, kissing the woman he reversed the planet for and making her forget his secret identity after having sex with her, and using his shield on his chest to wrap a villain. Finds out that Lois Lane is now dating Cyclops and mopes. He then gets stabbed with a Kryptonite knife, raises a Kryptonite mountain from the sea and throws it, and finds out that he has a son. Everything I said happened.

Catwoman, Green Lantern Corps, Blue Beetle, Captain Atom Issue 1

I woke up in the middle of writing all these blogs for the DC 52 and Mr. Soot had a bottle of lotion and a poodle in his arms. I know when its time to get busy. And I am tired of being referred to as “It.” Lets get cracking on a bunch of comic books!

                                       Catwoman 1

Very first page is Catwoman putting clothes on. End of review! But seriously, that’s how this starts. Catwoman rushes out of her apartment just as some masked men shoot the place up before blowing it to bits. She ends up crashing at a friend/informants place and finishing out about some available work. She ends up in disguise as a bartender getting information from the Russian mob about some art.
She ends up hearing the voice of someone from her past who killed a woman right in front of her. Selina aka Catwoman is young in the flashback. She finds the guy in the bathroom and pretends to seduce him and ends up beating the piss out of him! She leaves the club whipping ass along the way before heading home (meaning a penthouse that’s unoccupied) and finding Batman waiting for her. They end up bumping uglies which was pretty cool to see for once instead of having it implied.

Story and art by Judd Winick and Gullem March. The art in this was pretty good. I have read Catwoman books in the past and thought they were okay. This was way better than those. She kicked ass, looked good, and they gave a glimpse into her past. Oh, and Batman and her got bizzay!!!

Green Lantern Corps 1

This issue starts off cool with two Lanterns and a criminal being sliced to death right off the start. Those rings these guys wear have absolutely no emotion. As soon as you die they’re like “Well, time to find someone else to wear me…” I don’t know who the killer is but one of the dying Lanterns did. Back on Earth Guy Gardner, also a Lantern, is applying for a job as a coach. They believe he is too dangerous and may endanger the students so he leaves.

John Stewart, another Lantern, is trying to get better and safer houses built for the city and exposing that City Hall is corrupt. Meanwhile something just killed an entire planet. Seriously, the entire planet. Guy and Stewart fly to the Green Lantern home world Oa and talk about how much their lives suck. They find out those alien have been killed and decide to take some more shields, er, Lanterns to find out what happened. They arrive and everything is dead including that planets Lanterns.

Okay story by Peter J. Tomasi and good art by Fernando Pasarin. I just cant relate to these Lanterns on any level though. Yeah, one is Black. So what? When guys who can create anything by thinking about it (Salma Hayek…!) have problems finding work I just shrug. It wasn’t bad or anything. Just…I don’t know. Worth a thumbing through.

Blue Beetle 1

A Blue Beetle is jacking up an alien planet. Later a Green Lantern (Jesus, these guys are everywhere!) stops a beetle from crashing to Earth. But not really. Even later a kid, Joey, in school is invited to a party after being smacked with a soccer ball.

Let me just jump to the action because the set up for this kid isn’t all that interesting really. Some super villains are fighting other villians for one of those beetles when Joey and his friend stumble into the middle of it. Joey gets his hands on this beetle and when he is struck with a knife it opens up and transforms him into something that looks like a villain on The Power Rangers.

Story by Tony Bedard which isn’t all that awesome. The art by Ig Guara is pretty damned impressive though. I just wish he had more to work with. The jumping back and forth with Spanish and English is cute twice, but stop. I get it. They speak multiple languages. They’re better than me. All right. Enough. I don’t know much about Blue Beetle and this didn’t make me want to.

Captain Atom 1

The story starts off with captain Atom whipping some dude in a robot suit’s ass. As he’s fighting he starts feeling weird and suddenly he disintegrates the suit with a touch scaring the hell out of the guy. And himself. He looks at his hand and it appears to begin to fizzle away before reforming. He heads back to base and Dr. Megala breaks his powers down for him explaining that he is vanishing.

A volcano starts appearing in the middle of New York and a nuclear reactor is getting set to blow in India. He handles the one in India first since that would affect more people. In New York he transforms the lava into snow absorbing way too much energy in the process. He saves the day but the issue ends with him literally falling apart at a molecular level. Aah! Aah! Aah!!!

J.T Krul wrote this (who has been fired from Green Arrow) and amazing art from Freddie Williams II. Captain Atom looked like he was not solid and I liked that. Not sure if it makes me wanna get it pregnant but this was a good start for a character I know pretty much nothing about.