No Time To Explain: Burger King Window Smashing

There is this weird thing called “common sense” which isn't as common as it should be considering its name. A bunch of employees who should be reevaluating their schooling got a prank call saying that pressure was building up inside of their Burger King location and the only way to relieve this pressure was to smash out all the windows. So they did it. This took place in Coon Rapids, Minneapolis. Yes, that is a real name of a place. Hate to know the history of how that place got its name.

Anyhoot, someone claimed to be with the fire department and told them that the building would blow up if they didn't release the pressure building inside. The store manager and employees rushed out and started going Hulk Smash on the place. I'd like to think at least one employee stopped and thought “Hey, what if we just leave the doors open?” Fuck that, right?! No time to explain! Start kicking windows open now!

Scary New Happy Meal Mascot

McDonald's released their new mascot for their Happy Meals today and his name is Happy. This thing creeps me right the fuck out. I heard about this on a radio show and thought “It can't be as bad as they are making it sound.” I was wrong. This goddamn thing eats souls. How much money was used to figure out how to make a Happy Meal scary? How many hours went into it? Either far too many or not close to enough. This nightmare instigator was created in France back in 2009 and has been spreading its wave of fear across the globe and eventually settling in America. Its like Godzilla. It is also a part of McDonald's new effort to push their healthier kids meals which are meals that if I had gotten when I was growing up would've caused a lot of pouting. “So instead of fries, a burger, and soda I get milk, an apple, and chicken McNuggets? Horray!” no child ever shouted.

McDonald's is trying to defend all the criticism towards their new thing you need to check under the bed for. “Social media is a great place to have a conversation and express an opinion, but not all comments reflect the broader view.” It is someone's job to downplay the medium that they've used to push new shit. This nonsense is on the heels of a new Ronald McDonald as well as Burger King changing their slogan from “Have it your way” to the strange “Be your way.” What the fuck does that even mean?! That sounds like something an asshole would say to be passive aggressive. “You wanna hang out with your friends instead of me? Fine. Be your way.” Fast food is dicks. True statement written terribly. Look at that damned thing. If I opened my door and this was standing outside of it I would pee a little.