Fuck raccoons. Not literally. That would be wrong for a lot of reasons. I've written before about these evil ass critters but no one likes to listen to me. Mostly because my voice is weird. The other reason is because I live alone and no one is hear to hear the wisdom that I drop, like, all the time. This lady Ginny Ballou in Hingham, Massachusetts (spelled that correctly the first time, thank you) who is 73 and too goddamned old to be having to deal with this woke up being attacked by a raccoon. That's right. Woke. Up.
She woke up with this thing on her face
and biting into her lip. Fuck. That. She stuck her thumbs into its
mouth in the hopes of getting it off but that just made it rip up her
lip parts. “I'm not too sure to this day how I did get the thing
off of me. When I threw it on the floor...that's when I realized it
was a raccoon.” She grabbed her phone, a landline which makes me
smile, and hit the shit out of the raccoon. She then ran into the
bathroom and called 911.
