Dante Vs. Nature 35

Fuck raccoons. Not literally. That would be wrong for a lot of reasons. I've written before about these evil ass critters but no one likes to listen to me. Mostly because my voice is weird. The other reason is because I live alone and no one is hear to hear the wisdom that I drop, like, all the time. This lady Ginny Ballou in Hingham, Massachusetts (spelled that correctly the first time, thank you) who is 73 and too goddamned old to be having to deal with this woke up being attacked by a raccoon. That's right. Woke. Up.

She woke up with this thing on her face and biting into her lip. Fuck. That. She stuck her thumbs into its mouth in the hopes of getting it off but that just made it rip up her lip parts. “I'm not too sure to this day how I did get the thing off of me. When I threw it on the floor...that's when I realized it was a raccoon.” She grabbed her phone, a landline which makes me smile, and hit the shit out of the raccoon. She then ran into the bathroom and called 911.

Dante vs. Nature 5

Fuck nature. Fuck it in the ear. I started doing these in the hopes that it would make me get a better understanding of why I don't go into nature and try to stay away from it. But all’s its done in make me want to seal up my home in bubble wrap and shake in a corner violently. This is a list of creatures that people see and think are cute. I see them as the equivalent of wrapping a baseball bat in cotton candy.

Panda. “The giant panda, or panda (Ailuropoda melanoleuca, literally meaning ‘black and white cat-foot’ is a bear native to central-western and south western China. It is easily recognized by its large, distinctive black patches around the eyes, over the ears, and across its round body. Though it belongs to the order Carnivora, the panda's diet is 99% bamboo. Pandas in the wild will occasionally eat other grasses, wild tubers, or even meat in the form of birds, rodents or carrion. In captivity they may receive honey, eggs, fish, yams, shrub leaves, oranges, or bananas along with specially prepared feed.”