Dante Vs. Nature 54

People are as dumb as nature is dangerous. A 43 year old woman from Mississippi got her ass flipped in the air by a bison at Yellowstone National Park because she decided to take a selfie near one. This is the fifth person just this year to get a taste of zero gravity because for some reason they think that bison aren't dangerous. You know what I see when I look at a bison? Angry history. Ain't no bison in Africa. That shit isn't in my DNA to be okay around them. Black people get tattoos of lions, tigers, and dragons because those are native to Africa so deep inside we feel some kind of connection. But not no damn bison.

This lady was standing six yards, or in layman's terms “Too goddamn close!”, to one when she took her picture, tasted the rainbow, and got some minor injuries. A district ranger named Colleen Rawlings said “People need to recognize that Yellowstone wildlife is wild, even though they seem docile. This woman was lucky that her injuries were not more severe.”

Only In Florida 11

This teacher in Florida was suspended without pay before eventually being shitcanned for allegedly ordering some students to kick another students' ass. When I first heard about this I was kinda skeptical. “No one can be that stupid” I thought but then the voice in my head that sounds like Charlie Brown said “Florida” and I nodded to myself in understanding. Dru Dehart got into a disagreement with a student and went all Godfather on his ass.

Allow it.

Radravious Williams...goddamn it. Really with this name? Anyhoot, the kid was surrounded by a pack of older kids and they went berserk on his ass. Dehart just walked away as the kid became a new sidewalk. After half an hour of deliberating about it the jury chose to have her fired and not, like, droptoe hold onto a steel chair. A representative for the school district said the teacher “made a very poor decision that day” in using “students to carry out discipline.” You think?!

Dante Vs. Nature 36

Why do people always want to fuck with dangerous animals? Particularly snakes. Every year someone does something stupid like own a giant sake and act all surprised when its eats their kid or pet or this case when a security guard was killed when he wrapped a 15 foot python around his shoulders. You can attempt this if the snake is your pet and even then the shit is dangerous to do.

In Bali a security guard volunteered to help catch a snake that had been seen in the area. He didn't even work at the hotel this monster was spotted in but decided that at the age of 59 that he had the power to take this thing down. He didn't. At 3 in the morning he was alerted that the snake was around and he...caught it? I guess?

Dante Vs. Nature 35

Fuck raccoons. Not literally. That would be wrong for a lot of reasons. I've written before about these evil ass critters but no one likes to listen to me. Mostly because my voice is weird. The other reason is because I live alone and no one is hear to hear the wisdom that I drop, like, all the time. This lady Ginny Ballou in Hingham, Massachusetts (spelled that correctly the first time, thank you) who is 73 and too goddamned old to be having to deal with this woke up being attacked by a raccoon. That's right. Woke. Up.

She woke up with this thing on her face and biting into her lip. Fuck. That. She stuck her thumbs into its mouth in the hopes of getting it off but that just made it rip up her lip parts. “I'm not too sure to this day how I did get the thing off of me. When I threw it on the floor...that's when I realized it was a raccoon.” She grabbed her phone, a landline which makes me smile, and hit the shit out of the raccoon. She then ran into the bathroom and called 911.

Only In Florida 3

You ever get so mad at someone that you bust a toilet seat lid over their head? Me neither. At least not yet. Who knows what the future holds?! A dude in Florida named Norris Troutman who is 20 years old and 6 foot 6 got his ass arrested on a felony battery charge for hitting his uncle, that is disabled, in the head with a toilet seat cover for apparently no reason whatsoever.

His uncle, Sammy Lee Johnson and 48, was sitting on the couch watching TV with his mom when Norris just came into the living room and walloped him with the damned thing. His uncle said he was “was unsure why Mr. Troutman was upset with him” and “did nothing to provoke the attack.” What confuses me about this story other than the fact that a dude attacked someone with this choice of weapon is where he got it from.

The window sill.

Dante Vs. Nature 32

When I was a little kid I watched this movie called Piranha’s that jacked with my head. I could watch films about serial killers, monsters, and even Jaws and not really give a damn. But show me a movie about a bunch of sharp toothed fish and suddenly I don't ever want to go anywhere that has these in their waters. A few weeks ago in Buenos Aires, Argentina about 70 people got to experience my nightmare.

"You didn't plan on sleeping, did ya?!"

It was hot as hell and a lot of people decided to take a dip in the water when all of a sudden people were all “This water is way more bitey than usual!” They likely said it in a different language or with accents so it sounded way more urgent. Next thing you know people are getting right the fuck out of the water because these fish called palometas which are a form of piranha are attacking them like some sort of...piranhas.

Dante Vs. Nature 24

Fucking lions, man. No, not, like, actual lions fucking which is hilarious. Just lions in general. The other day Cam called me and asked if I had heard a news story about a woman mauled by a lion at a sanctuary. I checked the internets and ended up finding another story about another woman being mauled and killed by a lion. The first one is a intern that worked at an animal sanctuary in Central California and police are trying to figure out what caused the attack. Hmm...one can only speculate.

The lion, 5 year old Cous Cous, attacked and killed the intern while she was in the lions enclosure. When cops arrived she had already been fucked up and lying near the lion. They tried to lure it away but it was full of human blood and didn't want to hear none of their shit so they shot it. Only one other employee was there since the park is closed on Wednesdays. This entire thing sounds like a recipe for disaster if you ask me which you didn't so I shall continue to provide my opinion.

The lion had been raised there since it was 8 weeks old. Its so weird to me that people think its tragic or act surprised when a big ass wild animal does what big ass wild animals do: attack things. And sleep. Lions that are locked up anywhere always look sad. I'm sure this one was just waiting for someone to slip.

Dante Vs. Nature 20

Life isn’t fair. If you’re an adult you know this. We all hope to live to a good age where we’ve spent at least 25% of it doing the things we like and love. We also expect to make it there whole. You know, with all our body parts connected to each other. Sadly, when you toss nature’s bitch ass into the mix things get thrown off kilter. You remember that lady Sandra Herold? No? Well, you probably remember her pet chimp Travis that ripped her friends face off. Yeah. Now you remember.

How you doin'?

The victim, Charla Nash, was recently awarded four million bucks for the damage done to her face. Now when I say that she was damaged I mean that in the same way that I say that space is large. Her face was wrecked! I wont even post a picture of it its so bad. If you want you can Google that shit but I’m not posting an image. Travis ripped off her lips, nose, eyelids, and because nature does shit for funsies ripped her hands off. That’s some mean Mortal Kombat type shit.

Stone Cold Fuck Nuts

When I first started writing this blog I used to write about more stories like this. I had to do it again for this fucking loon. This is Bayron Reyes Lopez. My spell check hates his first name. This guy is what most doctors and therapist would call “stone cold fucknuts.”


This goofy bastard killed this lady Julie Donnelley’s pet dog, Kokanee. She was going for a walk at 6am (bad idea) when this crazy mofo ran up to her. The dog got in front of her and this dude decided that he would beat the shit out of the dog. He eventually ran off and was found butt booty ass naked covered in coffee and water at the Rancho San Clemente Tennis and Fitness Club where he worked as a maintenance worker.


The police suspect that he was under the influence of drugs. Gee, ya think?! You can only hope that someone who beats a dog to death at 6am for no fucking reason is on drugs! They say that just hours before this happened cops were looking for him for playing loud music in his house. Oh, he lived right across the street from where he attacked the dog. He’ll be facing animal cruelty charges which means that he’ll be back on the streets before I finish writing this blog.


A somewhat happy ending to this though. A shelter gave the family a new dog that looks just like the one that died. Smiles! Now this is where I ask the question: What the hell needs to happen to this guy? I’m not an animal nut. I’m not one of those people that value the life of any animal more than a humans. I’m not even sure if there’s a spot in Heaven or Hell for animals. Is there a gerbil Heaven? But this dude shouldn’t be allowed to roam freely. What punishment would be good for him? Fuck rehab. Look at that picture and picture him behaving as a functional human being ever again. I don’t know what he was on but shit must’ve been new. This is what happens when you smoke them moon rocks.


Rockets.

When Pandas Attack!!!

BEIJING (Reuters) – A panda at a zoo in southern China attacked a student who snuck into its pen hoping for a cuddle with the endangered bear, state media said Saturday.

The 20-year-old male student surnamed Liu jumped over the fence at the zoo in the tourist city of Guilin, ignoring warning signs not to, Xinhua news agency said.

"The panda, named Yangyang, was wide awake. Apparently scared by the intruder, he bit at Liu's arms and legs," quoted an unnamed worker as saying after zoo keepers managed to calm the bear and rescue Liu, the report said.

"Yangyang was so cute and I just wanted to cuddle him," Liu was quoted as saying from his hospital bed. "I didn't expect he would attack."

Scientists believe fewer than 2,000 giant pandas live in the wild in China.

Really? I swear, just when you think you’ve heard everything some dude wants to cuddle with a panda and gets his ass bit. Well, not his actual ass but you get what I’m saying. What would possess someone to do something so silly?

I’ve seen cats so damned fluffy that I would probably hurt them if I picked them up like Lenny in “Of Mice and Men.” Plus, I have that stuff, what’s it called? You know, that stuff some people are born with? Oh, right. Common sense. I know that cat if it felt like it would scratch my face and ruin my shirt. So I know not to mess around with pandas. Those things don’t have any sense any damned way. Want proof? Fine, you skeptical bastards.

They don’t even like themselves. That’s right, I said it. They refuse to sleep with each other to ensure that their species survives! Come on, pandas! How soft and cuddly can they really be if they don’t even wanna cuddle with each other? I don’t trust pandas. Or koala bears. I don’t trust any bear that don’t warn me with growls. It’s why I don’t trust chipmunks. They look like tiny bears. Sort of. Kind of? Okay, fine. They don’t look like bears. Whatever. You’re the one reading this psycho babble.

I think its funny that people go nuts over animals they wanna save but its only the cute, cuddly ones. Nobody is trying to save the sloth. And what’s happening? They disappearing. I bet its their claws that frighten people so. And because they don’t have cute white fur. I’d call it racist if I weren’t so damned smart. Anyhoot, I want all of you to heed my words and follow these rules to ensure that you do not end up on the business end of a pandas mouth.

1. Don’t go near a panda. They are batshit crazy.

2. Don’t poke at a panda. They don’t growl so you wont know you’re pissing them off.

3. Don’t try to cuddle a panda. You know what else is soft and fuzzy? Mold.

4. Don’t wear a sleeping panda like a coat. Yeah, its funny but it’ll wake up and bite something off you’ll miss.

5. Never talk about Fight Club.

6. Don’t tease a panda. The word “danger” is in “endangered.”

7. Pandas are inherently evil. Ever see one smile? That’s what I thought.

8. Pandas like the Jonas Brothers. If that ain’t evil I don’t know what is.

9. Pandas are alcoholics. See those black eyes? Yeah, that’s from all that drinking.

10. Pandas are 63% lead. I’ve done the research people. Trust me. I wear glasses making me four and a half times smarter than you.

Rockets.