Dante Vs. Nature 35

Fuck raccoons. Not literally. That would be wrong for a lot of reasons. I've written before about these evil ass critters but no one likes to listen to me. Mostly because my voice is weird. The other reason is because I live alone and no one is hear to hear the wisdom that I drop, like, all the time. This lady Ginny Ballou in Hingham, Massachusetts (spelled that correctly the first time, thank you) who is 73 and too goddamned old to be having to deal with this woke up being attacked by a raccoon. That's right. Woke. Up.

She woke up with this thing on her face and biting into her lip. Fuck. That. She stuck her thumbs into its mouth in the hopes of getting it off but that just made it rip up her lip parts. “I'm not too sure to this day how I did get the thing off of me. When I threw it on the floor...that's when I realized it was a raccoon.” She grabbed her phone, a landline which makes me smile, and hit the shit out of the raccoon. She then ran into the bathroom and called 911.

Dante Vs. Nature 21

Damn you, nature! Most people don’t wanna mess around with wild animals. Sure, some of us want one as a pet but we know better than to actually own one. Sometimes animals want humans as pets and creep into their world and start wrecking their shit. Roger Mundell of Brookfield, Massachusetts was attacked by a punkass bobcat at home. Then it went outside and was like “Fuck guitar solos!” and bit his nephew as well. Not only that, but it had the rabies!

It wants to wear you like a hoodie.

Mundell, not one to let nature eff him in the A without getting his vengeance on ended up shooting and killing the beast because you know that thing would’ve come back for dessert. And by dessert I mean the women! That’s how nature works. Take out the men and children and the next thing you know they’re hearing the lamentations of our women. I’ve seen that documentary Conan The Barbarian. I know how it works.