Dante Doesn't Bitch About People Magazine Sexiest Man Alive 2018

People Magazine announced that Idris Elba was the Sexiest Man Alive for 2018 and the world collectively went “Of course.” I can't think of one person that would disagree with this. “I do!” the guy in the back shouted. Look. I'm not gay but if Idris made a move on me I wouldn't react that way I would if some dude at work or on the street hit on me. What I'm saying is that there would be some internal struggling and dialogue happening. “I'm not gay. But this is Idris Elba. But I'm not gay. Right?” Look. There ain't nothing wrong with admitting that another guy is good looking no matter how straight you are. I am also fully aware that if I was talking to some lady and Idris walked into the room I would suddenly disappear. I would become this tall dark barrier keeping her away from a slightly taller barrier. And way better looking. And cooler.

Dante Bitches About People Magazine Most Beautiful Woman

I hate when there is a list or something that says that this person is the best or hottest or whatever alive. Its automatically bullshit. I know they didn't find every living person and make a chart and talked it over with millions of people to find who the true winner was. So when People Magazine came out with their Most Beautiful Woman Alive I sighed heavily and tucked my penis between my legs because I knew it wouldn't be needed. Especially when I saw that the winner was Gwenyth Paltrow. Of all the women on the globe she is who was picked?

I'm as excited about Iron Man 3 as the next man, but come the fuck on. Its not as if this woman has been in a ton of amazing films. Let's not go based on looks. I'm gonna pretend I'm not shallow for a moment. She broke Brad Pitt’s heart years ago. Then she dated Ben Affleck. Then…wait. Maybe her vajayjay has something in it that helps careers. Well, not hers.

Dante Bitches About People Magazine Sexiest Man Alive 2012

People Magazine released their list of the sexiest man alive for 2012 and I was pissed. I ranted about Esquire Magazine and how Rihanna was their number one pick. I’m not even gay or a woman and this list made no sense to me. You don’t have to be attracted to men to know when a guy is or not unless you’re seriously that insecure in your sexuality. I doubt many scared straight boys read my stuff anyway. But to vote Channing Tatum as the sexiest man alive? Come on now!

I hated Tatum with a passion that sent ships across the seas for sex hundreds of years ago. He looked weird, he seemed like a dick, and he couldn’t act. But then he started popping up in movies where the roles he was cast in fit him perfectly. Films like Magic Mike and 21 Jumpstreet. I was like “Oh, this is how he’s supposed to act. Dim.” Suddenly I didn’t hate him anymore. He had grown on me like a non cancerous mole.