I hate when there is a list or something that says that this person is the best or hottest or whatever alive. Its automatically bullshit. I know they didn't find every living person and make a chart and talked it over with millions of people to find who the true winner was. So when People Magazine came out with their Most Beautiful Woman Alive I sighed heavily and tucked my penis between my legs because I knew it wouldn't be needed. Especially when I saw that the winner was Gwenyth Paltrow. Of all the women on the globe she is who was picked?
I'm as excited about Iron Man 3 as the next man, but come the fuck on. Its not as if this woman has been in a ton of amazing films. Let's not go based on looks. I'm gonna pretend I'm not shallow for a moment. She broke Brad Pitt’s heart years ago. Then she dated Ben Affleck. Then…wait. Maybe her vajayjay has something in it that helps careers. Well, not hers.
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| She lays around thinking of ways to make me scoff. |
Besides Iron Man and a plot device in Seven she has not done anything that I gave even a tiny bit of a damn about. Is she this amazing actress and I’m just not seeing it? Am I blinded by the light? Revved up like a deuce another rumor in the night?! I know that there are some celebrities that I cant stand so much that I let that hatred wash over me and no matter what they do I will continue to hate them. Lindsay Lohan can save a bus full of orphans holding kittens with the cure for AIDS and I’ll still hate the fact that she is wasting my oxygen.
Maybe Paltrow is nice. Maybe she just comes across as a…almost said the C word. Let’s grab some things she’s said and see if my opinion of her changes.
“Every woman can make time to work out, every woman, and you can do it with your baby in the room. There have been countless times where I've worked out with my kids crawling around all over the place. You just make it work.”
“Beauty fades! I just turned 29, so I probably don't have that many good years left in me.”
“When you go to Paris and your concierge sends you to some restaurant because they get a kickback, it's like, ‘No. Where should I really be? Where is the great bar with organic wine? Where do I get a bikini wax in Paris?’”
“I basically love anything that comes in a hot dog bun…except hot dogs.”
Sounds like the average woman and mother to me! I mean, we all say stupid things. People quote me and I am ready to butterfly net their asses until it starts to sound familiar. We’re all human. We all…no! I cant do it! You bizarre Stepford Wife, you! You are not like the average person no matter how hard you try to be! Embrace it. But don't pretend that you’re like everyone else. Just wrap yourself in your multi-million dollar bullshit blanket.
Okay. Back to the original point of this whole thing. Paltrow is not hot. She is not the most beautiful woman in the world. I don’t even think she is cute. I can pick at least 10 friends that are way hotter. Yes, she is a woman. That has been confirmed. But not once have I ever checked her out and thought that she could make my pants tight. And the shit she says even when taken not taken out of context is nonsense. Its like someone asks her a question and some ancient stupid demon possesses her to say whatever Scattergories combination of shit that should sound smart but when mixed together makes no sense. Even my spell check hates her.
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