Dante Saves You: Super Powered Nuts Edition

In previous Dante Saves You blogs I’ve tried to help you against aliens, monsters, psychos, and even vampires. This time I’ll try to help you against the one thing you’d think you wouldn’t have to worry about: Super Powered Nuts.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Dante, your eyebrows look great! Surely you must pluck them!” or “Heroes are here to save us, so why would we need you to save us from them?” to which I’ll say “Have you seen a movie lately?!” Heroes almost always do as much harm as good. So sit back and let me try to save your monkey ass life.

Cool It’s The X-Men.

You and the rest of the world found out that there have been these people that have abilities that you never will. I’m not talking about being able to put your ankles behind your head during sex. I mean shit like claws, controlling the weather, and even shape shifting. Which is awesome.

Five minute rule! You know what I'm talking about.

That is until you see that they aren’t all helpful and shit. Some of them look like asses with arms and want to take over the world and create ass armies. Which, if you are in Brazil is something you see daily, but here its scary as fuck.

Solution.

Bitches be crazy!

Hide, damn it! Okay, fine. Hiding will not solve this problem. There’s a lot of them that have issues. Like daddy issues and such that you can exploit. Some of these crazy sons of bitches have the ability to make you go bye now. Like vanish! You don’t wanna get in that things face.

Pictured: A bad idea.

One thing you must do is stay away from crowds and big cities. If you hear that these things are chasing everyone the last thing you want to do is jump in a car and drive away. Especially across giant bridges. That’s just asking for new and exciting ways to die. Plus you’ll miss the fun part when they make us all their slaves.

Look It’s Hancock.

Here in Los Angeles there’s a hero that protects us all. Sort of. I mean, he’s not very good at it and spends most of his time passed out drunk on bus benches, but damn it, he’s all we got. The way he works may be strange but who are we to tell him what to do?

You take that nonsense to Astoria, mister!

Some people are starting to get tired of the damage he does. He costs the city millions of dollars each time he “helps” and its time to put his ass in jail. Which I get. We have more than enough potholes in this city without him contributing.

Solution.

"I regret nothiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing...!"

You could try fighting him hand to hand but that’s stutarded and not suggested. Look at what he’s done to that normal ass human. No, that guy does not have the ability to fly. He’s getting punched so hard that he and gravity are no longer acquainted. So don’t do that. Unless you like shitting out of a bag. I don’t.

Yes. He is flying drunk with a car.

Or you can get him close to Charlize Theron. Yeah. That’s a thing that happens in this movie. The closer he gets to her the weaker he becomes. Which is like saying when you put me in front of a plate of bacon I get hungry. Who doesn’t get weak around this woman?!

My right hand is gonna be weak later.

Hey It’s The Guys From Chronicle.

There’s three guys that go to school with you. Two of them are cool, but there’s kind of a weird one named Andrew that started hanging out them. They all seem like regular dudes that you see on the street that cant cause any harm to anyone. That is until you find out that they have all gotten superpowers! Aah! Aah!

Solution.

This is why you make sure you hug your children.

The two other guys aren’t so bad. They have rules and just want to have fun. Andrew on the other hand has so many issues that he had to start keeping them in protective plastic sleeves. Not only is he stone cold fuck nuts, he believes that its his place to be at the top of the food chain.

Sonic boom!

Try and take him out early with violence because the longer he lives the more powerful he becomes. You don’t want to be known as the guy that was killed by a kid in a hospital gown and slippers. You can hope to hide while he’s crying and he cant see you and rip your body apart like a spider. That happened! People that do shit like that have reached levels of crazy that dictators can only dream of!