Dante Vs Nature 26

This is my 1000th post on Dantania! Yes, I know. That can either be considered a huge accomplishment or a statement on the fact that I write way too damned much. Either way I was trying to figure out something special to do for this post but then said fuck it I hate nature. So here are some new animals that I just found out about even though I’ve been on this planet for 34 years. This is bullshit by the way. They need to hand out a pamphlet when kids are born letting them know just how screwed up this planet is.

Boomslang Snake

“Many venomous members of the family Colubridae are harmless to humans because of small venom glands, weak venom, or inefficient fangs. However, the boomslang is a notable exception in that it has a highly potent venom, which it delivers through large fangs that are located in the back of the jaw. Boomslangs are able to open their jaws up to 170 degrees when biting. The venom of the boomslang is primarily a hemotoxin; it disables the blood clotting process and the victim may well die as a result of internal and external bleeding. The venom causes the victim to bleed from all of the holes in its body. Other signs and symptoms include headache, nausea, sleepiness and mental disorders.”

Fuck this! A snake biting you and giving you a headache? Well, that sucks. Nausea? That blows. Sleepiness? That’s not so bad. We all like to rest. Mental disorders? Okay. That’s a new one. Didn’t know something in nature could drive you crazy. But I get it. You’re nature. You do strange shit. Bleeding from all holes in your body? Oh, fuck that! You know how many holes I have in my body?! Like…12. I think. That is a lot of bleeding.

How come it does this? Did it go through a process like “Well, I made his nose bleed. That’s kinda cool. But what…what if I could make these humans bleed out of every fucking hole in their body?!” Fuck this thing. I say find them all and make shoes and belts out of them.

Crazy Ants

“…appear to displace other ant species, including red imported fire ants, most likely due to exploitative and interference competition. The ants are not attracted to ordinary ant baits, are not controlled by over-the-counter pesticides, and are harder to fully exterminate than many other species because their colonies have multiple queens. The colonies can be up to 100 times larger than those of native ant species. It is unclear why this species, like many varieties of ants, is attracted to electrical equipment. It may be that they sense the magnetic field surrounding wires with electric current flowing through them. Or, they might prefer the heat byproduct of resistance in the wires. Their infestation of electrical equipment can cause short circuits when they chew through insulation. Overheating and mechanical failures can also be caused by high numbers of dead worker ants in electrical devices. When an ant gets electrocuted, it releases a chemical which causes the other ants to rush over and search for attackers. A large enough ball of ants will short out some systems.”

So far these assholes are mostly in parts of the country I’ll never visit like Texas and Florida. The fact that they will walk to electronics and eat it, die, and their friends will get all World Star Hip Hop and jump into the fray only making the situation worse. They are the equivalent to having your ass kicked and your girlfriend jumping in by holding your arms and trying to pull you away. “Let me go, bitch! I’m getting hurt!” And these things are so insane that they are able to chase fire ants away. Fire ants are like the North Korea of insects. We all know the exist and hear stories about them but have no desire to interact with them.

The Fuck Is This?!

Some places call this a treehopper but when I check that it shows things that are not these. This looks like a joke from some cruel god that no longer exists. It looks like five bugs fucked and all of them won the right to be the father Maury Povich style. What’s with that thing on its head? How about those fucking legs? And the eyes. I don’t even want to know what the fuck this is. Just keep it away from me.

Click here for previous Dante Vs. Nature.