Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Five Things I Learned Using OkCupid

Earlier this year I decided to go on OkCupid. You all know what that is. Its the dating site you use when you're too cheap to pay for and don't want to just fuck random people using Tinder or one of those hundred other fuck apps that are out there. I tried it after striking out in the love department. I started writing out my profile and answering hundreds of questions and came to the conclusion that online dating is so not for me. If you saw the women that they thought matched well with me based on percentages you'd laugh in my stupid, single face.

In this Five Things I Learned Using OkCupid I'll talk about what I...learned. I guess. I pretty much learned things like I am extremely judgmental quickly based on photos and that the internet thinks that women with nose piercings surrounded by cats are exactly what I want in my life. I also forget I have an account until I check my spam and get a laugh out of the whole thing or see how strange of a profile picture I can make and still have people visit me.

People Lie About...Life

People say they are in L.A but every picture is of them in another country or state. They say they are single but for some reason most of their pictures have them and a dude with 'em. He could be their brother, cousin, or friend. Either way, I'm gonna keep on looking at other folks. There is also the thing where they will hide themselves in a group making me guess which one of them they are. Is it the cute chick on the left or the one I am calling her ugly friend? Turns out its the ugly friend and she knew what she was doing. Sneaky snake! My pictures are of me or multiple me's. There's no guessing.

I look at profiles the same way I used to read Jet Beauty Of The Week. If you don't know what that is, it was pretty much softcore porn for young Black boys. It was a right of passage. In a small paragraph they would say their name and what they enjoy. Hiking. Skiing. Skydiving. Scuba diving. Diving diving. I get it. Those are things you tried once and liked it. That shouldn't be in your profile. You know what I enjoy? Fucking. But I'm not gonna put that as something I enjoy because it doesn't happen often. Also, don't say you don't have kids and every picture has a kid hovering there or cropped out. You embarrass yourself!

I'm Bad At Ages

There are women on the site that are 42 which I have no problem with. When it comes to wanting to date someone its better for me to aim up in age than down. Why? I like to assume that they have been through enough shit that by the time they get to my boring ass that I seem good and stable...ish. So why is it that 42 year old women are using pictures from when they were in their early 30's? I am bad at guessing ages particularly if you aren't Black.

There was one profile I checked out because this chick was cute in February. I go to look at more pictures and there are gaps in her age of about five years each time. Its not hard to take a recent picture. Maybe she looked better at 35 than she did at 38. It happens. I look better at 37 than I did at 22. But I will for sure hurt your feelings if I think I am meeting one version of you and get something else.

Snap Judgment Is Real In These Streets

Cleavage dominates photo? Pass. You and your pets? Pass. You and another guy? Pass. You hiking? Pass. You holding a glass of wine? Pass. You taking a selfie where half your face is covered by the phone? Pass. You in a club? Pass. You at any entertainment function? Pass. Costume makeup? Pass. Your name describes a part of your body (eyes, lips, breasts, ass aka CurvdHips69)? Pass. You and your kids? Pass. Professional headshot? Pass.

I am sure that the things I listed are not even close to a big deal for a lot of people, but for me they are automatic turnoffs. Am I judgmental? You bet your sweet buttery ass I am. But I am so judgmental that it turns into not caring, makes a slight u-turn to caring a bit, then stops the engine at not giving a fuck anymore. That is my moving on phase. The cleavage thing bugs me the most for some reason because it is so prevalent. I get it. Big tits. That's nice. But if that's your lead then you better have an amazing finish. Or you just like dudes staring at your breasts in which case you are unaware that I am more into legs.

People Come And Go

There have been three women that I have spoken to on the site...through messages. They were nice and we had long conversations but then they just disappeared. One disappeared for a month and came back trying to finish a conversation as if it was minutes later. I had deleted the shit so I didn't even know what she was talking about. One of my cousins said that I need to be more forceful and set up a date. Yeah...but no. Its the internet and I know that I am automatically a sex pervert because I am on a site where people are trying to get together.

I know that people like to use apps and dating sites just to get laid but that isn't my bag. I'm not trying to just have random ass sex with people I just met. But I also know that its 2016 and people don't see things the same way as I do. Men are supposed to make the first move. I don't. All those interactions were started by someone else. I know that women have to dodge dicks like they are coming through the tunnel during a playoff game. I'm not trying to contribute to that. Plus I believe that the fact that you are on a dating website means that all bets are off. You can't play the chivalrous card when you are using technology to find the latest love of your life.

I'm Still Bad On Paper

No job (at the moment). Don't drive. No cell phone. Prefers to stay home unless going to have guaranteed fun, to eat something, or watch a movie. Dresses in costumes for his own TV show. Records podcasts talking about random nonsense. Never been married. No kids. No plans for the future beyond seeing the next great movie. This is not someone you'd ever want to date or set your friends up with. But its me. Its how I describe myself. I am fully aware of how shitty I sound on paper but the reality of the situation is far different.

I don't post pictures of myself that paint me as anything I'm not. There are no cocktail party pictures. If I could pretend to be another dude just to get women to trick I would and then fail almost immediately because pretending to be someone else is not as interesting as trying to figure out more about my true self. I won't always be this version of myself but on dating sites and even regular ass life in general people want you to be what they always wanted right now. When I am asked why or how I am single I say its because A. I can't pretend to be some guy that did you wrong in the past. B. No one wants to stick around long enough to see the improvements. Or C. I can't pretend to be the guy you wish you had gotten instead. 

I'll be shutting down my profile as soon as I finish writing this blog because, call me crazy, I'd rather end up in a relationship because I saw you in person and fell for you. Not because of that awesome picture of you from 2012 where the sun hit your hair at the perfect angle and only the fingers of your ex husband are on your shoulder.

Click here for previous Five Things I Learned.  

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