Friday, December 30, 2016

The Seven Men Women Shouldn't Date


I feel that I need to preface this by saying that I am not an expert at anything except complaining. I can complain about any subject you give me. I have written posts like The Seven Women Nerds Will Date, The Seven Men Female Nerds Will Date, and The Seven People You Find On Valentine's Day. This time I will cover The Seven Men Women Shouldn't Date. Now you may know someone that is like the type of guys I am describing or you may be one yourself. Either way, this isn't about you...right? I'm just some random ass dude just talking shit and you shouldn't take any of this personally. You shouldn't but you will because that's how people are these days.

“What makes you such an expert on who people should or shouldn't date, you asshole?” someone just asked aloud which is weird because this is on a screen and won't respond to you. I'm not an expert on any one thing. Rather I'm like Batman. He is great because he is good at a lot of different things. It gives you a pretty good all around concept of how things and people work. And as always there are exceptions to rules. I hate that I even have to say that, you babies. This is the part where instead of reading you scroll through quickly to see if you or anyone you know made the list. 

The Chef


I worked on six seasons of the TV show Hell's Kitchen and from what I gathered from those dozens of contestants is that there is something wrong with people who call themselves chefs. One of my ex's ended up dating one and even though I knew nothing about the guy other than the fact that he was in fact a chef I was able to nail his personality and habits down to a T. There is a difference between a guy that can cook and one that calls himself a chef. This guy is not going to be home often. Do not expect amazing meals for dinner every night. Cooking is his job. He does not want to do that when he comes home. He wants to get high, eat fast food, and is pissed that he does not have his own cooking show. Does he enjoy his job? Sure. Is he happy? No. Can you make him happy? Sexually, yes. But you ain't gonna be able to fill that “I'm not good enough/why won't they recognize my greatness?!” hole he has no matter how good your milkshake is. I know, I know. It brings all the boys to the yard.

The Law Man


Why do people become cops? To make a difference? To improve their neighborhoods? To make the streets safer? To smack people around legally or generally ruin folks days in between those rare times where they show up when needed? Yes to all the above...but mostly the last one. When I was a kid cops were seen as heroes even though we knew there were some dirty ones out there. Now people try their best to never be involved with them. You should do the same when dating. Who wants the stress of getting that call that your partner was killed at work for $42 an hour? I know someone just said “That is a fuck ton of money!” And it is. But you can make close to $30 working in post production for reality TV and you don't have to worry about getting your face shot off. That shit is stressful. How is he gonna relieve that stress? That's right. Hookers. Domestic violence. Or drinking. You know, the recipe for an amazing marriage...in the 1950's. It is a job where PTSD is standard.

The Firefighter


These guys get all the praise that you would imagine cops should get. They don't even prevent fires. They wait till you fuck up and come and put it out. For years they have been worshiped. They have shitty hours but sling mad dick. Mad dick. Know how cops worry about getting shot? These guys can burn to death. They can burn to death with their friends because your cat knocked over your scented candle. You will be surrounded by his firemen friends. Maybe you can sleep with him and one of his hot friends? Sure. That's cool twice. Next thing you know he and his buddy are turning you into a wobbly H and talking about what to eat afterward. It is well known that people who have dangerous jobs don't just turn that shit off when they get home. It bleeds over into the rest of their life in unexpected ways. By the way, EMT's are added to this list by proxy. They whores too.

The Musician


Do not date a musician. I am talking about someone whose main job is playing in a band or is a singer. I'm not talking about the ones that do it for fun on weekends or when they get with their friends. I'm talking about the ones that truly believe that they are one opportunity away from being the next Michael Jackson. I have never trusted R&B singers. Those dudes have hit more women than Laila Ali. And as much as I am not a fan of my friends dating musicians I am even less of a fan of them dating DJ's. Good lord, those guys are the worse. You ever watch new DJ's perform? They don't even use records. I think its cool to enjoy the music these guys provide but do not for a second think you are going to have a good relationship with someone whose enjoyment comes from having the adulation of strangers, traveling constantly, and being surrounded by a lot of ass that isn't yours. If you're gonna date a musician you might as well date me because we have the same chance of becoming famous for our music.

The Athlete


Unless you have good insurance or have been practicing your blocking/dodging techniques on the regular you should not date an athlete. I'm talking about professional ones. I mean, sure, you can and should if all you want is to get pregnant and raise a kid alone with the chance to become rich due to one night of sweaty fun. Otherwise, just don't even do this. Athlete relationships and marriages tend to end because 1) He beat the woman up. 2) He threatened to beat the woman up and emotionally abused her. 3) He tricked some other woman with his dick and got her pregnant. 4) He shot himself because of concussion symptoms. 5) He killed her because of number 4. Plus, you ever see an athlete that stopped taking care of himself after he retired at the age of 34? Shit's a mess.

The Pretty Boy


This is one you hear girls say they do not want. Its kinda like that lie when they say they don't want a guy with abs. That can be true but its mostly because they themselves don't want to compete with the guy they are dating. And competing is what you will be doing with this guy. For the mirror, for hair products, and for attention. Your friends will wonder why he is even with you which, as we all know, is great for the self esteem of a woman. Maybe he was unattractive until high school and ever since then there has not been a month of time passing without him having sex with someone different. He is going to spend a lot of time his time confirming that he does indeed like you because you are always going to feel like something is wrong because he likes you.

The Preacher's Son


Above all I trust this one the least. I know that sounds bad but I don't care. I am automatically suspicious of a dude that thinks he is closer to god because of his daddy. There is a female version of this I'll write about at some point. Unless they have strayed from the flock this guy is going to be one of two things (no, not gay but that is a strong possibility). He is either going to be super religious and judge every action you make as not being holy. No one is holy 100% of the time no matter how hard they pretend to be. Or he did an ass ton of wild shit before he found Jesus in his crack pipe. Depending on when you met him chances are he already has kids floating around somewhere or you are wife number two because...reasons. Whatever the reasons they won't be because of him. He will use the lines most guys use like “she was crazy”, “she wanted different things than I did”, or he can pull out the Draw Four card of “she wanted to walk a different path with the Lord than I did.” That shit sounds smooth. I should start using it. You will never get true honesty out of this guy regarding his past because it doesn't jive with the version of him that is present. Or you may get parts of it but its just the parts that make you amazed at what he is like now. “You don't look like you did meth for five years!”  

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