Saturday, February 13, 2016

The Seven People You Find On Valentines Day

Its Valentine's Day! Yay? Right? This is one of those holidays that is either something that you look forward to or dread. For some people its like an extra birthday where you get showered with gifts by one special person or a bunch of people that you aren't really into. And for some its like penis Christmas. I've written about The Seven Women Nerds Will Date and The Seven Men Female Nerds Will Date in the past. This one will be The Seven People You Find On Valentines Day. Now let me explain my own views on this holiday.

It stinks. Not because I'm single because I've been in relationships during this time of the year. Its because I was a bomb ass boyfriend. Yes, I will toot my own horn. So when this damned day rolled around I was like “Damn it. I already did her hair, massages, eyebrows, bought flowers because its Wednesday, and paid for dinner and a movie. What magical bullshit do I have to do today?!” This holiday is never for guys unless you're, like, in a gay relationship. And for any girl that just said “I treat my man great in Valentine's!” let me tell you this because he won't because he hopes to get laid tomorrow: you should be like that all the time. I mean that in the least misogynistic way possible. If you're in a relationship where you don't feel like a champion almost everyday then you're not really in a relationship, now are you? If you guy is cruising through life getting you flowers on February 14th, your birthday, or when someone dies then good on him. He isn't as dumb as I was.

The Pretender

This is the person that will tell you that they are fine with being single on Valentine's Day but on the inside they are sad as all hell that they are watching everyone in their office get sent flowers while their desk is covered with pictures of their cat and their one best friend that is gonna start talking to them less because she got engaged to Rick and fuck that guy, right?! The Pretender is sad because they think they are tricking everyone by faking they are okay with being single. They aren't.

The Rager

The is the one that seems to be far more vocal this time of year. This person can even be in a relationship and still qualify as The Rager. They will think of any hashtag possible to let the world know that Valentine's Day sucks and that they are happy to be by themselves because fuck being in a relationship! Being single is fantastic! Come on now. Nothing is better than someone you love or at the very least like putting their mouth in your bikini zone. When I am single, like now, I try to treat this day like any other day I don't participate in. Its like Father's Day, Secretary's Day, Hanukkah, or most family members funerals. I know it exists but since it has nothing to do with me so I just ignore it.

The Liar

This one is about as sad as The Pretender because The Liar will send flowers to themselves. They will laugh and talk about how many people have asked them to be their Valentine's. This person fakes the actual joy that people that are really celebrating this holiday and what is worse than the actual Valentine's Day is the day after when they have to figure out what lies to tell people about how they spent the evening.

The Reminiscer

That isn't a real word by the way. The fastest way to say this one is to say its an ex. This is someone that you have broken up with that will contact you through email, text, social media, or actually call you and see what you're up to. “Oh, its Valentine's Day? I didn't even realize it.” Yeah, ya did. I have personal experience with this one. Depending on how the relationship ended you could end up getting some non-attached ass or getting right back into the same tar pit you managed to escape from in the past. But still. Ass.

The Realist

This person accepts that they are single most of the time anyway and this time of the year doesn't make them feel one way or another. They may also know that it started off with a Christian martyr and eventually was handed over to a jailed poet that signed a letter to the jailers daughter he helped heal while locked up and has now been co-opted by many companies that use it to sale chocolate, flowers, and diamonds which are nothing but rocks that if the De Beers family felt like could give every single person on the planet a handful of them and as of 2010 was a $72 billion industry were 163 million carats are mined annually because they are not close to rare. There's that.

The Lover

This is the person that this holiday was made for for better or for worse. If they are single they are happy to see the love being spread and if they are in a relationship they are happy as all hell. Sometimes a little too happy. The amount of joy they experience from this day can leave a lot of pressure on the person they are in a relationship with. They will stress for weeks if not months trying to think of the perfect dinner, the perfect ring (sigh), or the perfect bouquet of roses. Its nice to be loved but these type should always be aware of how the are making their partner feel.

The Creeper

This one is almost male exclusive. Women can be The Creepers for sure but for the most part its guys. We can just send you a picture of our dicks and automatically qualify as a creeper. He is that guy that you rarely hear from unless you post a picture wearing less than usual, hanging with your girlfriends pretending to be kissing in the club, or just recently broke up with someone. The Creeper will come out of the shadows liking your pictures. Commenting on how good you look when you talk about losing some weight. You know that picture you posted at the gym? He touched himself to it. The mistake most women that don't want this kind of attention is liking their comments. Just let it sit there. They will send a private message asking if you saw it. Then you will know you are now in Creeperland. Population: That Guy.  

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