Saturday, January 14, 2017

Johnny Panic: Street Walkin' Cheetah Part 2 of 3

After drying Milly off by just flying in circles quickly which she loves I decide that we should head over to L.A and visit my mom. Hopefully my brothers aren't there. Yeah, I know I barely ever talk about them and its for a reason. Not just because they are boring, jealous, haters. I mean, that would be as good a reason as any but its mostly because they are haters that are jealous and boring. They haven't even met Milly yet which is ridiculous. Its not like they don't know the worlds only superhero had a kid. They are just dicks. My mom tries every few months to get us all together but it never works out well. Its fine with me either way. My life is awesome.

I come in high and fast to avoid any attention which is proof that I am becoming more mature no matter what Ronica says. I land, remove a loose piece of seaweed from Milly's shoe, and head inside. I have a key. “Mama love!” I shout. Milly laughs. My mom comes out of the kitchen and rushes Milly. She picks her up and hugs her. Milly starts to float lifting them both off the ground. “I missed you too, mommy.”

“Oh, stop being jealous” she tells me. “Look at her! She is so cute! Why does she smell like Venice Beach?”

“Its actually Poipu...”

“Either way she needs to be washed” she says and heads to the kitchen with Milly. Yeah, they are both still floating off the ground but my mom somehow knows how to guide Milly to where she needs her to go. She starts filling up the sink with water. “You cant have your baby running around smelling like wet hobo.”

“She's not a dish” I say. “This place has four bathrooms. Why are you washing her like you're a poor person?”

“There's a drought” she says.

“I could just bring a big ass chunk of ice from somewhere...” I tell her. I told the same thing to state representatives and they started talking about contracts and bills and I feel asleep and had a dream that I was at Chuck E. Cheese when I was 4 years old and my brothers found a dead bird and threw it at me. I just had a break through! “Mommy! I just realized why I'm afraid of--”

“How is Ronica doing?” she asks me. Milly is in the sink splashing around and laughing. Every few seconds mom has to keep her from floating away. “Why didn't you bring her?” she asks as if Ronica is a dessert I forgot.

“She wanted to be boring and hang with Zazz and Aimee” I tell her. “They are doing okay. I think they want to have a kid which I hope isn't true and the sounds I keep hearing from their room is just them sleeping with nature specials on. Please let it be nature specials...”

“Who's all clean now?” mom asks Milly and wraps her in a towel. “Well I for one hope they have a beautiful child. Mary needs some friends.” Milly looks at mom confused. “He never calls you Mary, does he?”

“I try not to ever use her government” I say. “Ronica does when she is mad. She calls me Walter, too.”

“Are you two having another beautiful baby soon?” she asks me. Milly blows bubbles at her. “Speaking of siblings...”

“Worst segue way ever...”

“...your brothers came by earlier.”

“I thought I could smell jealousy and failure in the air” I say. “You know I don't like Them Boys.”

“'Them Boys' are your brothers, Wally” my mom says. By the way, she is the only person that can call me this and not know how cold it is 4,000 feet in the sky moments later. She hands me a semi-wet Milly who grabs my hair and tries to eat it. “They don't know how to handle all that comes with being the brother of, well, you.”

“It'd be awesome if they were as cool as me” I say.

“But what if one of them had powers and you didn't?” she asks. I shudder. “Exactly.”

“I tried to be nice to them even when they beat me up all the time” I remind her. And I did. Even when I got my powers and they would forget I wouldn't punch a hole through their bodies.

“You want a cookie?”

“I'd love a cookie!” I say.

“I was being facetious” she says. I pull Milly away from her.

“Is it contagious?”

“You don't get a medal for not beating up your brothers” she says. “You know how hard it was to raise you? Even without your powers I imagine you'd have become some sort of celebrity and famous around the world.”

“You're just saying that because you're my mom and if you didn't say things like that I'd stop paying for your house.”

“This house was paid for before your second brother was born” she reminds me for the hundredth time. And its true. My mom won a shit ton of money on some game show years and invested it. Yeah, my dad took a lot of it when he boned out but she still had enough and never stopped working. She didn't retire until about three years ago. “You know I stay paid.”

“Don't talk like that.”

“Its how you kids talk” she says. “I don't want Mary-Lucille growing up thinking that there's just you, her mommy, Zazz, Aimee, and me as her only family. Family is important. Maybe I didn't stress that enough to you growing up and for that I apologize.” I walk over to mom and hug her. Milly starts to chew on her hair.

“You did good, mommy” I tell her. “I haven't tried to take over the world.”


“I don't wanna take over the world” I tell her. “Most of it stinks.”

“No it doesn't.”

“It does” I repeat. “Most of the world smells like feet.”

“What kind of feet?”

“Goat feet.”

“Goat feet? I've never smelled goat feet.”

“You wanna?”


“Milly thinks you do.”

“She does not.”

“Milly thinks we should bring you a goat.”

“Stop lying on your daughter.”

“I think she pooted.”

“You're still lying on your daughter” she says. “No, wait. You are not. What did you feed her?”

“Hot Pockets.”

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