Dante Vs. Nature 77

What in the Barney Fife is this fresh batch of nonsense?! It has been a minute since nature walked into my mental bathroom and kicked me while I was shitting. I was on a friends FB page and saw an image of this creepy ass thing called a humphead parrotfish and thought it was fake. 

That is the problem when nature decides to get real weird with it. The shit don't look real. There are deer with fangs. Bats with huge penises. Fur covered frogs. So when this decided to get out of a Lovecraft dream and into my car I had to do some research. Much to my dismay this is an actual thing that exists on the same planet as me. You know what that feels like for me? Someone that rarely leaves the house and almost never ventures into nature? I don't like it and I don't think it is fair to me. How am I supposed to feel like the big bad human man creature because I got thumbs when there is something living in the water that shits sand? I ain't even lying! These things straight up make sand. Think I'm playing. 'Cause I'm not. I don't play when it comes to two things. Chicken and nature. 

These things got jaws so strong that they eat coral reefs and rocks and then shit out sand. Yeah. When you go to the beaches in Hawaii you are walking on fish poop. One of these things can make up to 800 pounds of sand with just their poop leavings. “How, Sway?!” you ask. Because they big. They can get to 4'3” in length and about 100 pounds. 

They live in the Indian, Pacific Oceans and are in the areas of the Red Sea to west Samoa. They get their name because, well, look at them. They got a fucking humphead. People eat these but they shouldn't because when they are not setting up residence in the darkest part of my mind they eat parasites and stuff on reefs. They are super helpful and like I said, make sand. They also live up to 40 year which is crazy when you think about it. They also do not have kids often so that is another reason why you shouldn't be eaten them like they are plentiful. They aren't. Even as I write that I know someone is going “I better eat some before they are gone!” You are part of the problem. Me, I stay away from nature and will never eat one of these things. I couldn't eat something that has teeth like someone that picked on me when I was a kid.

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