Tig Ol' Australian Bitties On Google

Australia is a strange place. Besides animals that feed off of the screams of its citizens and food that is fed to citizens that scream, they also like to mess around with the Google Street View cars. I know when I see one I try my best to get on it. They have not updated my street since July of last year but I have seen the car go by since and decided to throw my fist in the air out of my window in the hopes of getting on there. This lady Karen Davis (what an unfortunate name) decided that flashing the car would be the best course of action. In an attempt to be classy I edited the image of her massive baby feeders.

“I look at Google Maps a lot and I wanted to be on there and I thought this is the way to do it. I got to tick something else off my bucket list” she said to a local paper. As for any haters she has. “All the flat-tittie chicks think I am disgusting.” Gotta love that attitude. It sounds even better when I think of her accent. Look at them things. Today I was talking to a friend about crazy things that are seen on Google with these cameras. I wish more women would do this. Or just send me pictures of their boobs. That would be the best Black History Month gift ever.  

Human Traffic Cone

There's this chick in Australia named Kimberly Davis that doesn't have the proper amount of respect for human life as most others. Now, I know some of you are calling me a hypocrite since I call for death by potato and/or “helirocktors” (helicopter that drops rocks on people) every other day. But I don't go out of my way to be an asshole. Things have to come into my orbit, fuck with me, then the potatoes come out. This 21 year old was accused of texting while driving when she hit someone on their bike. He ended up with a spinal fracture and was in the hospital for three months. This guy suffered a ton of injuries because this girl wanted to text away on the phone. But that isn't the worst part. Poor Kimberly got a human sized dent in her car!

Click to enlarge

“I just don't care because I've already been through a lot of bullshit and my car is, like, pretty expensive and now I have to fix it. I'm kind of pissed off that the cyclist has hit the side of my car. I don't agree that people texting and driving could hit a cyclist. I wasn't on my phone when I hit the cyclist.” She was fined $4,500 after running dude over and driving away for 300 feet then refused to help him. Reports show she used her phone 44 times while driving before hitting him. She'll be getting her license back near the end of the year. The guys wife says that doctors told her that he was very close to being a paraplegic. I wish I could send my helirockters all the way to Australia and just level this girls car. Just dent the shit out of it. Then fart in her pillow and leave a note saying “You're welcome!” because I am a very polite person. But seriously. Helirockters.

Dante Vs. Nature 33

A man. A snake. A graveyard. Australia. Do I even need to write anymore? This guy Jake Thomas was cleaning the graveyard where his daughter is buried (let's assume a snake got her, okay?) when he saw a snake hanging out of a vase next to hers. Not one to take that kinda shit he grabbed a shovel and sliced this son of a bitch in two likely screaming “Stay away from my daughter!” like me if I ever had a girl. So like most Australian's he spent the next hour after killing a poisonous snake continuing to clean. Then he remembered that he just killed and decided to go and remove the snake corpse because manners.

So he reaches into the vase to grab the snake, mind you almost an hour later, and the fucking thing bites him! Yes! This is a thing. He pulls his hand out and the damned thing is just hanging onto his hand with its fangs sunk in. “I saw the black snake. It was in a headstone on the grave next to my daughter's. It had stopped moving and I could see it was caught in a vase. There was about two foot hanging out.” He made it to the doctor and got treatment. His hand stayed swollen for a week but I bet he didn't miss a day of work because fuck it he lives in the deadliest country on Earth. The native language there is hollering.

Dante Vs Nature 31

Look! Up in the sky! Its a bird! Its a plane! No! Its thousands of goddamn bats! Run! This is some bullshit, man. But since this is in Australia when they have a problem they don't just get rid of it. The fucking destroy it! In a place called Lissner Park they used two helicopters, smoke machines, water cannons, lawnmowers, paintball guns, and...wait for it...fireworks to get rid of a bat problem. People got together to watch this shit go down and of course there were protesters because fuck logic.

Wildlife conservationists showed up to make sure things went okay during the bat removal. They ended up getting into it with an executive officer because they wouldn't let them help an injured bat. Everyone! Listen to me! I have great news! There is nothing else wrong with the world! When we are at the point as human beings where you will get confrontational over a damned bat being hurt, then something is either very wrong or very right with the world.