Dante Vs. Nature 33

A man. A snake. A graveyard. Australia. Do I even need to write anymore? This guy Jake Thomas was cleaning the graveyard where his daughter is buried (let's assume a snake got her, okay?) when he saw a snake hanging out of a vase next to hers. Not one to take that kinda shit he grabbed a shovel and sliced this son of a bitch in two likely screaming “Stay away from my daughter!” like me if I ever had a girl. So like most Australian's he spent the next hour after killing a poisonous snake continuing to clean. Then he remembered that he just killed and decided to go and remove the snake corpse because manners.

So he reaches into the vase to grab the snake, mind you almost an hour later, and the fucking thing bites him! Yes! This is a thing. He pulls his hand out and the damned thing is just hanging onto his hand with its fangs sunk in. “I saw the black snake. It was in a headstone on the grave next to my daughter's. It had stopped moving and I could see it was caught in a vase. There was about two foot hanging out.” He made it to the doctor and got treatment. His hand stayed swollen for a week but I bet he didn't miss a day of work because fuck it he lives in the deadliest country on Earth. The native language there is hollering.

“It grabbed on to me even though it was dead. I pulled my hand out and saw two little marks and knew it had got hold of me.” It turns out that snakes have the ability to keep biting your unlucky ass up to an hour after being “killed.” That's not fair to anyone. Could you imagine if after dying our bumbling ass corpses could keep on wandering around ramming into shit? “Goddamn it, grandma! Sit down and die already!” Nope. She's got about 45 more minutes to destroy your home.

"Wanna play fetch?"

The snake that bit him, a red bellied snake, looks evil. Look at that thing! If I saw that in my house, guess what? That snake just got himself a new house. I'm not even afraid of snakes. I think they look cool. But this thing looks like it actually crawled its way straight out of Hell. And not the fun part of Hell where you get to gamble and have sex with strangers while playing video games. But the part of Hell where they put you in a long line and people keep cutting in front of you and someone keeps sneezing behind you without covering their mouth. Fuck snakes for being able to bite an hour after being cut in half.

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