Women Love Fire

It's one thing to try to burn your ex boyfriends house down. It's another to waste a pound of perfectly good bacon to do it! 32 year old Cameo Adawn Crispi of Utah that likely has very hippie parents called and texted her ex to let him know that she put some bacon over his burner and left it on. The ex called cops and told them he wanted this bacon burning broad out of his house and when they showed up smoke was coming out. On the floor was hot coals around an open wood stove (whatever the hell that is) as well as the bacon. When arrested Cameo (word up!) had a blood alcohol level of 0.346. That is high as fuck! She is heading to court in October and faces burglary, arson, and whatever other charges they can throw at her. Hopefully unlawful waste of bacon based products is a thing. She is kinda cute though the same way most crazy chicks are. Its science. Her hair situation can be helped though. I hope they arrested her right out of the shower because her hair is as greasy as that delicious pound of bacon she wasted. Damn, I am so hungry for bacon right now. I can't believe she is 32 though. I see how drunk these people are in stories and wonder how much alcohol ages folks. Okay. Now she isn't as cute as she was a few sentences ago. The longer I look the angrier I get that she wasted so much bacon. Sentence: death by potato! 

Babysitter Sets Fire Because Fire Cleans Everything

Martha Dreher is not taking shit from kids anymore. This 57 year old Texan babysitter, which also happens to be the most depressing sentence I've ever written, pleaded not guilty to the house of the family she was babysitting for on fire. There are four children, two girls and twins boys who are 5, but she was just watching the boys at their mother's house while the girls were with their dad on vacation. That already sounds kinda honked up. She says went to the house around 9 at night to get some popcorn and that she never saw a fire. Perhaps she didn't know that security cameras were recording her dumb ass and she is seen leaving the house 25 minutes later. A boy noticed the fire when he got home and said that whoever set it started it in the girls rooms as if life works like a cartoon and fire stays where you started it. 

Not actual image.

“It was definitely a vendetta against the two girls. Before I left, she had taken the girls clothes shopping, and she said that it was horrible, that my oldest had been very disrespectful to her and she didn't think it was a good match and she probably didn't want to do this anymore” the father of the girls said. Martha still says she didn't start the fire but did say to police the girls were “out of control, lacking respect for her and having disciplines issues.” You know, maybe the girls knew some shit wasn't right with the babysitter. Sometimes you can just tell that someone is off their rocker like “This woman look like she’d set us on fire if she could…” This is the tale of a woman who should be getting close to returning but instead spends time watching kids that she hates so much that she decided to clean their rooms with fire. I mean, look at that mugshot. Does that look like the face of a woman that has any more shits to give about anything?

Kids These Days 35

If I told you that the guy in this story was 17 (some stories are saying he's 18) you'd call me a lying liar who lies. But he is a kid. A very old looking kid. John Carter of Texas wanted some weed as most kids these days do. So he asked his mama for some money to get this weed and she did what any responsible parent would do; she said no. Good for her. That is until John got upset.

John was arrested for setting his mother's clothes on fire because she wouldn't give him money for weed. This dumb bastard. So you ask your mother for some money for drugs, she tells you no, so you set her shit on fire? That makes no sense. Its the definition of nonsense. He was arrested and being held on $30,000 bail. That's not enough. There should be no bail set.

Only In Florida 5

This story has everything you'd want with a Florida based tale. Fire. Shotgun to the face. Arrest. Masturbation. Just...everything. Kenneth Haskins, 58, was asked by his apartment management to stop jerking it in front of his window where everyone could see him. No one wants to see a 58 year old masturbating. No one. Not even if you're married to them. Once you see this guys face and imagine him jerking it you're either gonna do like me and crack up laughing and hopefully holding a spot for me in hell or you're gonna feel sad because you have that stuff. What's it called? Oh, right. Sympathy.

He got pissed because he felt that if he wanted to have happy hands in front of his window then damn it he should. So he set the apartment on fire. He set fire to the bedroom and kitchen using some sorta flammable liquid. When found, which couldn't have been that difficult trust me, he told them that the management had recently told him to stop having fun in front of his window and doorway. Wait. Ew. The doorway? That's just foul. He's gonna be charged with arson and no bail has been set because Florida.