Dante Vs. Nature 20

Life isn’t fair. If you’re an adult you know this. We all hope to live to a good age where we’ve spent at least 25% of it doing the things we like and love. We also expect to make it there whole. You know, with all our body parts connected to each other. Sadly, when you toss nature’s bitch ass into the mix things get thrown off kilter. You remember that lady Sandra Herold? No? Well, you probably remember her pet chimp Travis that ripped her friends face off. Yeah. Now you remember.

How you doin'?

The victim, Charla Nash, was recently awarded four million bucks for the damage done to her face. Now when I say that she was damaged I mean that in the same way that I say that space is large. Her face was wrecked! I wont even post a picture of it its so bad. If you want you can Google that shit but I’m not posting an image. Travis ripped off her lips, nose, eyelids, and because nature does shit for funsies ripped her hands off. That’s some mean Mortal Kombat type shit.

Monkey See Monkey Rip Face Off

STAMFORD, Conn. (AP) — Travis the chimpanzee, a veteran of TV commercials, was the constant companion of a lonely Connecticut widow who fed him steak, lobster and ice cream. He could eat at the table, drink wine from a stemmed glass, use the toilet, and dress and bathe himself. He brushed his teeth with a Water Pik, logged on to a computer to look at photos and channel-surfed television with the remote control.

But on Monday, the wild animal in him came out with a vengeance.

The 200-pound animal viciously mauled a friend of his owner before being shot to death by police. Investigators are trying to figure out why — whether it was a bout of Lyme disease, a reaction to drugs, or a case of instinct taking over.

"It's hard to say what exactly precipitated this behavior" said Colleen McCann, a primatologist at the Bronx Zoo. "At the end of the day, they are not human and you can't always predict their behavior and how they or any other wild animal will respond when they feel threatened."

Travis attacked 55-year-old Charla Nash as Sandra Herold frantically stabbed her beloved pet with a butcher knife and pounded him with a shovel. Nash was in critical condition Tuesday with "life-changing, if not life-threatening," injuries to her face and hands, Mayor Dannel Malloy said.

Why in the hell will you have a pet chimp?! This is the first thing I asked myself when I heard this story. I love how this lady does this weird ass crap and then wants the police to solve her problem. When the cops asked her over the phone during the 911 call who was attacking she shouted:

"My chimpanzee!" she cries. "He ripped her apart! Shoot him, shoot him!"

Uh, no? I would have so many questions for her that by the time I sent the cops he would’ve eaten her ass up, too. Questions like:

“Wait. Did you say your ‘chimpanzee’?”

“No, seriously. A chimpanzee?”

“Why do you own a chimp? Isn’t that illegal?”

“Can you describe the chimp in question?”

“Okay, for real. You actually own a chimp?”

This is why I don’t work for 911. This is one of those stories when I find it hard to feel sorry for a victim.

"Xanax could have made him worse" if human studies are any indication, Dr. Coccaro said.

Wait, did they say Xanax?! Why in the hell would you give a chimp Xanax?! Come on, America. The most fucked up thing is that when chimps attack folks they always gotta rip faces off or pulled penises off. Why? I’m not a huge fan of my face and I don’t use my wang much but I don’t want either separated from my body. I never wanna look across the room and go, “Oh, there’s my face! I was looking for that. And there’s my penis! I wondered where it went…”
So, now we know what not to have in your house.

Pandas.

Koalas.

Chimps.

Oh, my!

Rockets.