F**k Time Travel 1

Time travel. Everyone has wanted to do it at one point or another. It could be to go back in time and preserve my toys because years later people your age would want to buy them as adults for a lot of money. Telling myself to not be such a wimp and just tell Ruendy that you had a huge crush on her. Go back to the 1970's and talk some sense into my parents before they had me. Yeah, I don't wanna go back in time and do anything important that would change the course of history. Looking the way I look going past 1970 shit gets super sketchy. For real. Let's not be silly people right now.

I remember years ago during a tour at a museum the tour guide talked about how smelly Greece and other places were. How people just tossed pee pee and doo do out their windows. I didn't believe her because in the paintings things look beautiful. Then a few weeks ago I started wondering about bathrooms. You don't understand. Bathrooms are important to me. I have never been camping because of bathrooms. I will lose interest in a woman based on how her toilet seat looks when I lift it. I will suffer internal damage to avoid pooping when I'm not at home. I do not play when it comes to toilets and such so when I heard about how they used to get down back in the day I was shook.

There was this thing called a tersorium. Its bad enough having to use the bathroom sitting right next to people while dropping an ancient deuce. You are knee to knee with other people growing a tail. That's gross. But then they expect you to finish up and whip out the communal butt wipe. I mean that in every sense of the word. See, what you'd do is take this stick that had a sea sponge attached to it and get to scrubbing. Yeah. After you were done you would wash it in hot water with soap and let it dry for the next person. I'm lying. You would rinse it with water and/or vinegar and salt water and then the next person would turn around and use it.

And where did all the poop and pee go? Not some great plumbing system. Nope. People would fill up their pots with pee and put them into even larger jars outside. So now you got a great big pee pot just mad chilling outside your house. It would then be collected and used to defeat enemies. Lying again. They would use it to wash their clothes. So now you got a society full of people wiping their butts with a communal sponge and washing their clothes in piss. You can keep that along with time travel. I will stay in this terrifying future where I have a toilet only my ass touches and whatever double ply toilet paper is on sale.

Johnny Panic: We Got It From Here Part 9

Click here for previous Johnny Panic.

Holy shit. I'm a father.

As soon as I see these creatures appearing that is the first thought that runs through my mind. Yeah, I've thought it before but not like this. I thought it when that actress from that new show about jungle women from Brazil that kidnap women from the city and give them big asses but in reality the stuff that they were injecting was really just Kool-Aid thickened with hot dog water slid into my DM's. I thought “I'm a father...” but it was more of a sadness attached to it. This is nervousness.

This is actual panic.

My dad was a shitbird that left my mom and my loser brothers before I even developed powers. I ended up trying my best to not turn out like him. Once I had Milly I knew that things were gonna be different. Once she arrived hot and fresh with powers I knew it was gonna be really different. Before I had her and would hear people talk about having a kid and how it changes you I figured that they were full of shit like most people are. Now I am mad that they never stressed just how serious it is to have a kid. We don't parade Milly around and have her do appearances because I know what that was like growing up. My mom never forced me to. I choose it and wish I hadn't done it and would never do that to her. Just having those first few years of my life normal helped me because I remember what it was like to lose, get hurt, and bleed. I forgot those feelings until these assholes showed up. I want to train Milly to be a good superhero and hopes that she turns into a cool ass chick when she grows up. If I don't stop this today she won't get that chance.  

Just Talking With Dante Episode 44

“You have no right to pull up a site and swipe left or right. (gasp) Oh my god I am so fucking clever!”  

Catch you up on my week, avoiding the Pride Parade, talk about ending a crush and a fantasy woman, discuss technology making you immortal, surgically enhanced penises, a man diving off a balcony to avoid giving oral sex at gunpoint, play a song, record another episode complaining about people looking naked, hot cosplay women, OJ Simpson joining Twitter, crazy ladies on the bus, folks using online dating coaches, a booty doctor reusing supplies, and my prison called Missionary Island. Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante.

Why Isn't Dante Dating? The Imagining

As I sit here thinking of this fantasy human it is harder than I thought it'd be. I am trying not to think so much about what I don't want because I am good at complaining about shit and instead trying to think of what I do want. I think of girls I have dated, liked, told I liked, never told I liked, and ones I just look at and immediately think “She would be fun to date...” and then make up an entire scenario where we date and she gets to know me and decides its not worth the trouble. I do what I have had done to me which is goofy and unfair to myself.

I have heard a lot of people talk about their perfect/fantasy person. Since I am someone who takes things literally I tend to think “Well, I'm out!” since I am never what a lady woman describes as their perfect guy. I will hear things like “green eyes”, “gets along with his family”, “has a great job”, or “full beard” and I roll my eyes so hard they go into my head and I can look into my past and witness my mistakes. I tend to forget that there are compromises and such in terms of, well, everything in this version of reality. So what I decided to do is make a list of what I would consider the perfect woman...for me. Just me. This ain't yours. Its mine. So back off. You can disagree with this which is fine. And don't feel bad if this woman sounds nothing like you because chances are you're not into my strange ass anyway.

Dante Vs. Nature 80

Hello, creep. Hey, boneface crawly bug. You think this is cute, huh? Fuck this thing. You all know that me and nature have a deal: I stay away you stay away. This thing decided that it wanted to look like the personification of human death so fuck it. This is a caterpillar that becomes the Pink Underwing Moth. Cool name, dude. Probably made by the same person that created the name of a fly and an orange. A lot of blank stares, “um...”, and finger snapping. It can have wings up to six inches in width which I don't like. At all. I like my bugs being less than two inches. When they start passing that they are now a nuisance and try to look weird or do cute shit to distract me. Or get pink shit growing on it. “I'm just a cute butterfly!” it cries. No! I saw you when you was a baby. It is like when people marry someone and they find out they had surgery only after they have a baby that looks the same upside down and backwards.

And guess what? It's from Australia! Oh, surprise of surprises! The place where even the trees scream to ward off humanity. They are endangered so I guess I should pretend to care. Nah. Most weird insects will look like snakes, birds, or other animals to scare predators away. This one was like “I'm gonna look like a man's skull. Yeah. That's my plan.” Nope. So much nope. If I saw this shit in nature (which means I am terribly lost, peed stained, and sweaty) I would shit myself so hard it'd cause physical pain.

Click here for previous Dante Vs Nature

Just Talking With Dante Episode 43

In this episode I ramble about what I've been up to, hanging with friends, talk about cheap ass pillows, a day laborer being forced to bone down, a woman hitting her husband with a frozen pork chop, a gravy covered pervert, and listen to some ratchet ass songs sent by Jasmine. Click here for previous Just Talking With Dante.

The Spider Princess & Big Baby Part 2

Click here for previous Spider Princess & Big Baby

The residents of the kingdom parted like a sea as the Unbruised and Serf walked through the streets. Their voices would lower until they were completely silent. The last thing anyone wanted was to be overheard by a stray Lobe. The Serf could not even begin to hide their nervousness at being given the task of accompanying the Unbruised to track down and return with Peraticus. There is not a kingdom that does not know the tales of Peraticus. Granted, many of them sound untrue. Then one finds out that they aren't. The truth is far worse than any tale you could imagine.

Peraticus once destroyed a small village with a stick. Turns out it was five villages and a small, new kingdom and that he used the headstone of the previous king as a weapon. Peraticus once lifted a horse over his head to prove his strength. He actually lifted it and ripped the beast in half with his bare hands because he'd step in its dung. And it was his own horse. No one felt too bad though. Frankly the horse was a monster and only functioned as a way to get Peraticus to locations faster so that he may wreak havoc.

Just as the Unbruised and Serf reached the gates a horn was blown in the distance. The Unbruised sighed lightly and it turned to face the castle. The Spider Princess stood in the window and nodded for the Unbruised to continue.

Dante Explains Shit: Hunting

I used to be full on against hunting. I didn't understand the concept of hunting for an animal or hunting to eat something when you could just go to the store and buy the damned thing. Then I started reading about hunting and hunters years ago and it changed my mind. Yeah, there are people that hunt illegally and poach which makes people think that hunting should flat out be illegal. Look. If some folks did something so bad that everyone should stop doing it I would remove all cars from the road and if I couldn't do that you would have to lock your phone in the trunk when you got behind the wheel.

I should also point out that I do not hunt. I have never hunted. I have no desire to hunt and fear a time in my life where I have to track and kill and then properly cook something I have hunted. I assure you that if you gave me a cow and told me to make a burger I would die from some disease that we thought no longer existed. “How the fuck he get rinderpest?!” I eat meat regular and not always from places that talk about about humane the animals are treated. Know why? Shit's expensive and I don't know if the places are even straight up honest about their practices. The only way I could be 100% sure is if I was hunting and eating the animals myself. “But what about people who hunt not to eat but just to kill?!” Good question, stranger.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 42

“Sometimes people need to get slapped.”

In this episode I catch you up on my week, my stupid sore back, the increasing amount of high speed chases, a revolutionary new sex toy, people dying at the Grand Canyon being stupid, a nasty ass 7/11 employee, and read some Dear Abby advice. Click here for previous episodes.

Kids These Days 80

A couple of days ago I was talking to my friend and randomly we started talking about Hostess pies and I remembered that there was a damned pie based on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. My parents weren't the make a lunch with a nice dessert kinda parents so when there were new candies, cereals, or snacks I tried them. Ask me about any cereal available in the 80's or 90's and chances are I ate it. I was powered by sugar, salt, and chemicals that are now banned in many countries. “Hostess Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Pies: One of the rarest TMNT food products was made by Hostess from 1990-1992; it was the 'Hostess Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Pie' - with a green glazed pie crust and 'Vanilla Puddin' Power' inside. A commercial for the pies featured all four turtles, performing a rap song with the memorable line, 'Fresh from the sewers to you!'”

Just Talking With Dante Episode 41

“There were so many varying forms of hoochie mama going on.”

In this episode I catch you all up on the past few weeks in my life, an annoying Lyft driver, seeing Kinky Boots and Cats at the Pantages, talk about my birthday, problems finding a barber, a kid drugging his stepdad for funsies, the update on a newscasters death, and some Dear Abby advice. Click here for previous episodes.

Dante Vs. Nature 79

This is a cute ass looking ant. It's called a Panda Ant or if you one of those fancy folks it is known as Euspinolia militaris. I know you might think this I a cute half-assed Pokemon but in fact it is not even an ant. It is a wingless wasp! Its known as a panda ant because it, well, looks like a panda and an ant. The lady versions have thicker fur and no wings. The do not live in colonies like other insects choose to but rather stay alone. Oh, and they are also known as “cow killer” because their stings are so painful they can knock out an actual cow. These are found in Chilean forests which is awesome for me because I have never been there and likely never will so I don't have to worry about them biting my ass while I rest. Wait. They are found in the Southwest too? Fuck that. This monster wasn't discovered by some poor unfortunate soul until the 1930's. The males of the species get their creep on at night while the ladies get down during the day. They lay their eggs in a nest of another insect, their babies hatch, and immediately start eating the other insects. Little bastards.

Click here for previous Dante Vs. Nature.

Dante Bought A New Comb

Yesterday I went to get a haircut. The barber I used last year and once this year was not returning my calls so I went to this other barbershop on La Brea called Trendsetters. After making it home and being beyond pleased with my haircut I had to sit and wait for my new comb. I know that sounds weird. Last year I started using this sponge brush. It worked great but after a while it gets whatever you put in your hair all in it and starts to fall apart leaving little pieces of sponge in your hair. The last time I used it and later combed my hair out I noticed how much was falling out. I wondered if there was some new version of it or a new product.

I ended up finding this thing called a Twist It Up comb. It did not look like a comb. Look at it. It looks like a small tennis racket. I ordered it on Amazon along with Red One Aqua Hair Wax. Everyone said it smelled like red Kool Aid. It arrived today and I needed to know if this damned thing worked as well as it did in the countless terrible, annoying, carbon copy videos I watched on Youtube. Seriously. Videos where Black people are showing hair products are 90% bullshit and trying to be funny. They not. I watched a video that was 18 minutes long and the guy only used the brush in the last two goddamn minutes. Unacceptable! But...I did see a bunch of fine ass women with short hair using this. I watched one where she tried it out but added so many products beforehand that it did not work and she decided to keep using the sponge brush.

So I opened my package (giggity) and started using this. In a minute it already started working. I was watching this happen and being shocked. I then added a little bit of the Red One and started using the comb some more. Hell, I am using it every few minutes now because it feels good and keeps making my hair curlier. The Red One smells nice and it not as powerful smelling as folks said in reviews. It is not sticky feeling and my hair can still move. I expected it to be stiff. I do not know what type of hair I have. It is like cat hair unless I use vitamin E oil as soon as I start growing it. I used to use gels that hardened and mousses to get the look I wanted but knew that shit was bad in the long run. I also cut my hair on a whim. I want to keep growing it now so I am glad I got this Twist It Up comb. I can wash it. I can take it with me. Seriously. This was a great purchase.

Grown Ass Man Tips: Females

The word “female” never made it into my vocabulary. There are a lot of words that thankfully never snuck in. It also helps that I didn't start cursing until I was 22. I was listening to a podcast and this guy kept saying the word female and it sounded so weird and each time he said it I would think “Dude, cut that out.” This is not me virtue signaling. Just pointing out that some words bug people an usually because of the context. I use words like lady, woman, women folk, and chicks. Chicks has slowly begun to be replaced by any of those other words. But female never made its way in. If you hear someone use the word it is almost never in a way considered good. “This female said...” “All these females be...” “That place is full of females...” The only time it sounds not weird is when it is added to an occupation such as female cop, female firefighter, or female doctor. The word “male” sounds weird to me unless someone is talking about a wild animal. If some dude told me he had a lot of female friends I translate that to “I have a lot of people as friends...that I wanna bone down.” That's on me.

Even women use the word female against one another. It's a strange weapon to use. I know when there are words that suddenly are not okay to say anymore or words that you are told are not cool to say it is an odd feeling. You have so many questions. There are some words that were so okay to say back in the 80's that I had to let go of. If you have trouble letting go of particular words you need to wonder why and when you use those words and actually do research as to why those words make people feel like shit. That is pretty much why certain words stop circulating. They make people feel shitty and you shouldn't pride yourself on making people feel shitty. I know it is a cool thing these days to make people feel shitty online. Listen. I get it. Sometimes meaning most of the time it feels like you are being told to stop saying or doing something because it hurts the feelings of someone. Chances are you are using those words because you don't like the person you are using them against. Spend that time thinking of something you enjoy instead.

Click here for previous Grown Ass Man Tips.

Just Talking With Dante Episode 40

“The internet is like 80% for masturbating, and 10% for getting mad, and the other 10% to get depressed. ”

In this episode I talk about my past week, getting a new plant, bitch about Netflix, bacon fighting back, Craigslist Rants And Raves, Missed Connections, and some Dear Abby advice that makes me shout. Click here for previous episodes.