My Family Goes H.A.M

I’m not super close to my family. I don’t go over for holidays or call to see how everyone is doing. But one thing I will say about my family is that they are very protective of one another. Or they just love violence. Either way it was never a good idea to fuck with my family. Our family tree has many branches and they all spit fire and praise Cthulhu.

A couple of instances involve my brother Jay. Twice I’ve seen him destroy kids. We were little at the time. Don’t think my brother is just going around beating the hell out of children. The first was on my Grandmama’s street. Lots of crazy shit from my childhood happened there by the way. 47th & Central was like the set of Platoon.

There was this kid named Donte (the second kid with my name spelled incorrectly that was a dick) that lived on the street. They got automatic hate since where their building was built that’s where our sandlot was. No sandlot meant no fun so this kid and his family were enemies from the start.

One day he and my brother got into it. My brother was on top of him whipping that ass. I decided that Grandmama needed to get involved. They were on the porch near the door so I felt that slamming it into Donte’s head was a good idea. I got Grandmama and she lifted that boy off the floor by the scruff of his neck and told him to leave.

Another time was at school. Jay and this boy with a name I hate more than my own got into it in front of everyone! The boy kept coming back and forth and talking shit. My best friend at the time said my brother was gonna get his ass kicked. But I knew better. I know that my brother is a fucking Tasmanian Devil when he fights.

Like something out of a movie my brother jumped to his feet and machinegun punched him in the nose and let go. Blood shot everywhere, everyone cheered, and I made a mental note to remind this kid that he got his ass beat in front of the school by my brother.

One time in front of my Grandmama’s house this kid Billy and his brother Amos (these kids were Indian with the plainest names) were fucking with my cousin. I hated these kids already and the fact that their mother always complained about the noise we made helped fuel my mighty foot. Billy was in the perfect position bent over trying to hit my cousin. His ass was perfectly placed.

I rounded the corner of the driveway and at full speed gave him a perfect Randy Orton Punt in the asshole. He flipped forward, crashing into the fence and howling. I did the biggest happy dance afterwards and couldn’t stop talking about it for the rest of the day.