“You know that when I hate you, it is because I love you to a point of passion that unhinges my soul.” - Julie de Lespinasse
Jock watched from his window as the car slowly drove by for the fifth time in an hour. He was not a suspicious man by nature but this was more than a coincidence to him. He placed his small handgun on his lap and let the curtain fall back into place. Wiping the sweat from his brow he stared at the glass of untouched vodka and ice that sat on the coffee table in front of him.
“You okay?” his twin sister Haley asked him from the living room doorway. Jock forced a small smile and nodded to her. Though they were twins Jock and Haley never formed the bond that most twins had throughout their formative years. This is due to the fact that Jock was kidnapped at the age of 3 and returned to the family at the age of 18. He was now 20.
“I’m fine, Haley” Jock said as he forced another smile on his face. “Its just…” he began before trailing off. Jock had a hard time speaking to anyone, including his sister. “There’s this car that keeps…I don’t know. It keeps going by.”
“So you have a gun?” she asked. “Have they stopped in front of the house?” Haley worried about Jock. It took her a while to get used to calling him by that name. He was born Howard but whoever it was that kidnapped him called him “Jock” and it is the only name he answers to. “I earned to keep this name” he told police when they found him wandering the streets of downtown Los Angeles wearing nothing but boxer briefs and covered in blood holding a steak knife.
She worried about her brother and tried her best to allow him to open up in his own time. As a student at UCLA studying to become a child psychologist she fought hard to not look at him as a patient and more like her brother. “Its getting late. You going to sleep soon?” Jock placed the gun on the table next to the glass of vodka and stood.
“Yeah?” he said. It sounded more like a question than an affirmation of the fact that he intended to sleep. He stretched his arms and splayed his fingers. Jock and Hazel, while twins, looked like complete opposites of one another. Haley was just a hair over five feet tall and weighed 105lbs. on a bad day. Her black hair kept short and her thick black framed glasses which hid her green eyes and seemed to always slide until they reached the tip of her nose. Jock on the other hand stood six foot three and weighed close to 260lbs. He too had black hair but shaved it very close to his scalp. His eyes were small and a metallic grey. “Do you miss your parents?” he asked Haley.
“You mean our parents, Jock” she corrected him. “Yes. Yes, I do miss them. Now please go to sleep and put that gun away. It makes me nervous.” Jock appeared to wince. Haley hated saying anything that could possibly upset Jock. He seemed extremely sensitive despite his size. “I’m sorry, Jock.”
“No, you’re right” he said. “I shouldn’t leave a gun laying around. Its stupid of me.”
“No, I’m not talking about the gun” she said. “I mean for everything.” Jock tried to smile but could not. He sighed inside.
Everything.
It was strange to him how 15 years of torture could be summed up in one word.
Everything.
The beatings.
Everything.
The rape.
Everything.
The burnings.
Everything.
The death.
Everything.
“It wasn’t your fault, you know?” Jock said. “I hope your parents didn’t blame themselves or anything for me being gone.” Haley walked over to Jock and looked him in the eyes and smiled. Jock tried to smile but only his left side slightly curled into what would be considered a smirk by many.
“Our parents didn’t blame anyone” she assured him. “They just wanted you back is all. And here you are.”
“And here I am” Jock said as he watched the lights from the same vehicle slowly drive by. Haley could feel him tense a bit and stepped back. “That car just went by again.”
“Jock…go to sleep” Haley said as she yawned. “Its late.” She took Jock by the hand and pulled him towards his room. “I have school in the morning and you have work. You going to sleep?”
“Yeah?” Jock said. “I have work in the morning. Goodnight, Haley.” Jock made his way to his bed fully clothed and was almost immediately asleep. Haley watched him for a few moments before turning his light off.
“Goodnight, Jock” Haley said as she walked into her bedroom. A photo of her and her brother sat on her nightstand. “What did they do to you?” she asked aloud before going to sleep.
**
Jock sat in his supervisors office staring at the clock. He had been at work for twelve minutes and already managed to get into trouble. Two security guards stood closely behind him with their hands on their batons just in case there was an incident. Jock turned his head slightly and the guard to his right tapped his baton.
“Don’t even think about it, big boy” he said. Jock sat patiently waiting for his supervisor to arrive.
“I’m not going anywhere” Jock replied and rubbed his head. When he arrived for work someone had placed a fake milk carton ad on his locker that read “Have You Scene Me?” with a photo taken from his file from when he took a picture for his ID badge. He knew who did it but said nothing. Cleaning the cars of rich people at the golf course and having them complain about the shine on their rims was more than enough drama for Jock without someone playing jokes on him. He was also upset that the word seen was written as scene. “Do you know when Mr. Roberts is coming?”
“He comes when he comes, yo” the other guard said. Each of the guards were large Black men. Terribly out of shape, Jock noted. He only knew them as Yo and Dawg.
“Dawg, you gonna be in some real shit this time” Dawg said to Jock. “That fool gonna be lucky if he can see straight after that punch you gave him. Nigga went flying across the room. You see that shit?”
“I didn’t see it, yo, but I heard it” Yo said. “Sounded like a goddamn gun shot. Where you learn to hit like that?“ Jock did not know how to respond to the question without telling them about the people who kept him from a real life for 15 years.
Since he can remember fighting was all he did. He fought his “father” and his “brothers”. Eleven kids in total living in a one room shack with no heat, no water, and barely electricity. Food would be thrown into the middle of the room at various times during the night and the boys were left to fight for scraps. Every other week they would be starved for close to a week until food was tossed into the room during the night. Not much. Just a half eaten drumstick or macaroni and cheese. Jock would win almost every time. He still believes this is why he is so big. Though he did not eat often he did eat. He could not say the same for all the boys.
“Jock” Mr. Roberts said while slamming a file on the desk snapping Jock out of his trance. “What am I going to do with you?”
“I don’t know?” Jock said.
“It was rhetorical question” Mr. Roberts said with a sigh. “It means…”
“I know what rhetorical means” Jock said as he looked Mr. Roberts in the eyes. A slight chill ran down his spine as he looked at Jock before responding.
“Oh really?” he asked. The guards laughed. “What does it mean exactly?”
“Its when something is asked merely for effect with no answer expected” Jock replied. One of the guards whistled. “I’m not stupid.”
“No one called you stupid” Mr. Roberts said. “Would you care to convince me why I should not fire you right now for assaulting Mr. Douglas?”
“He was messing with me and tried to hit me but I hit him first” Jock said. “I was defending myself.”
“Ain’t no one trying to hit you, giant” Yo said. Mr. Roberts held his hand up to stop him from speaking before addressing Jock.
“Jock, Mr. Douglas is in intensive care at the UCLA Medical Center and suffering from a…” he pulled one of the sheets of paper from a file and continued, “…a cracked orbital bone, dislocated jaw, a broken nose, and possibly the permanent loss of vision in his right eye. The only reason you’re not in jail right now is because the clubhouse doesn’t need that kind of attention. But if Mr. Douglas were to press charges 'he was messing with me' would not hold up in court.”
“I know?” Jock said. “Under California penal code 240 PC the fact that Mr. Douglas attempted to assault me would almost be enough for me not to go to jail. It’s a misdemeanor. If Mr. Douglas were to claim under penal code 245 that he is seriously injured, which from what you tell me, he is, I would if taken to court and under a judge’s order to the jury of sua sponte by use of the CCTV you have installed throughout the building including the ladies locker room to prove that I acted in self defense. Mr. Douglas also illegally obtained my photo to make this.” Jock held up the paper that was attached to his locker. “As he is not a public employee Labor Code Section 1198.5 doesn’t apply to him and he could face jail for looking through records only you, human resource, and the police can look at. Oh, and me too.”
Mr. Roberts eyes glazed over. Yo and Dawg were also silent. Jock sat patiently waiting for someone to say anything. Mr. Roberts removed the files from his desk and walked out of the office. Jock watched him leave but stayed seated.
“The fuck was that about?” Dawg asked. “All that shit you say real?”
“Yes?” Jock said. The shack he was kept in after all of his “brothers” had finally passed away was stacked with books on any subject you could ever want to read. He had a feeling that the woman he called “mother” was a teacher somewhere big like a college. He used the small amount of light that seeped through the boarded up windows during the day to read as much as he could. Some of the books were covered in his blood from when he was beaten with them. Mr. Roberts entered the room once again.
“Head home for the day, Jock” he said. “Make sure you’re on time tomorrow morning.”
“I’m always on time?” Jock said as he stood. Yo placed his arm on his shoulder before he could go.
“You gonna have to teach me some of that law shit one day, yo” he said.
“Fuck that” Dawg said. “I with this fool to teach me how to hit!”
***
Haley sat in class listening to her teacher lecture the class on the criminal minded child. She could not help but think of her brother Jock. She would give anything to know what was going through his head when he would just sit at the edge of his bed staring at the wall. She knew he was a smart guy. Over the past two years since he showed up at the doorstep there have been countless times he has answered questions she had asked aloud regarding her school work.
“Where did you learn that?” she would ask him only to be met with either a shrug or a far away stare. She did not expect 15 years of whatever happened to be gone in the two years they have been back together. Maybe he would never be normal again. She tried to keep thoughts like that out of her head. She loved her brother and would do anything for him. But ever since that car started driving by Jock had become even more distant.
After class she sat with her group of friends. It was her excuse to be near a guy she has liked since she was 17. PJ Walker was everything she wanted in a guy but he was taken. At least she assumed he was. Tall, smart, and very funny. There were times she had wanted to bring him to her house to “study” but Haley was afraid that Jock would be home. Whenever she had friends over they were terrified of him. She wasn’t stupid. He looked like a giant. When they asked what was wrong with him she responded “post traumatic stress disorder” and when they asked what war he was in she could not say anything.
“What’s up, Haley?” PJ asked her. She wasn’t aware that she had zoned out.
“Nothing” she lied. “Just thinking about stuff.”
“I know how that is” PJ said.
“Yeah” Haley said as her phone rang. It was the house’s number. “Hey, Jock. What are you doing home?”
“There was an incident at work” Jock said. “I hit a guy.”
“No…” Haley moaned. “Excuse me, guys” she told everyone at the table as she walked a few feet away. “You cant just go around hitting people, Jock.”
“I didn’t go around hitting people” Jock told her. “I hit one guy. And he started it. I didn’t get fired or anything. I was just sent home early. Good thing too because as soon as I got home I saw that car drive by.”
“Okay” Haley said as she stifled a sigh. She had yet to see this car that troubled Jock so much. “So what are you going to do for the rest of the day?”
“I’m going to just clean up a bit and rest” Jock said.
“Okay” Haley said. “Talk to you later?”
“Yeah?” Jock said as he snapped his cell phone closed and sat on the couch facing the window as he waited for the car to once again drive by.
“Is he there?” the man said over the cell phone. Jimmy inhaled from his cigarette slowly before responding. “Is he there or not?”
“Yeah, he’s there” Jimmy said. “Guess its off for now.”
“Like shit it is” the man said. “This has to end now. Tonight. Boy been free too long. Fucking giant. We’re gonna have to hurt the girl as well then.”
“Fine by me” Jimmy said as he flicked his cigarette out of the window. “I’ve been waiting years to fuck that freak up.”
“I know you have, boy” the man said. “Just don't do anything stupid.”
Jock watched from the window as the cars window rolled down and a cigarette was tossed from the window. Jock checked that his gun was loaded.
Jock was never much of a cook but Haley appreciated when he would try. She arrived and could smell something that could either be chicken or beef. Either way she was hungry and would eat whatever it was. She tapped on the doorway and Jock turned and tried to smile at her. She walked over and looked at his hand. There was a small cut.
“Is this from earlier?” she asked him. Jock shrugged and continued cooking. “Why did you hit someone anyway? I hate violence. I’m sure that you could’ve just talked it out.” Jock turned the stove off and moved the pot of mystery meat to a cooler burner and faced his sister.
“He tried to punch me first and missed” Jock said. “I didn’t. I’m not going to let myself get hurt because he was slower than me. Okay? I don’t want to even talk about it. Dinner is ready.” Jock turned his back to Haley and began placing the food on plates. Haley walked into the dining room and sat at the table.
“Jock, whenever someone gets hurt all they do is try and hurt someone else even mor--” Haley said before a bullet struck her in the shoulder from behind slamming her onto the table face first. She looked at Jock with pure surprise before another shot entered her back.
Minutes earlier.
Jimmy sat at the end of the block and noticed the girl walking towards the house. It was a nice place. Much better than the shack he was raised in with Jock and the rest of his “brothers.” He had not liked Jock from the first day he was brought home. A loud 3 year old that cried for his mommy for two months straight. Jimmy didn’t understand why “father” had brought another mouth to feed into the place.
As Jock got older he got stronger. At a certain point he was eating more than the others. It got so bad that they slowly started dying. Very slowly. Jimmy got into a fight once with Jock. Jock was 14 while Jimmy was 17 years old. Jimmy was winning until suddenly Jock began screaming. He had not talked since he was 8 years old and it caught Jimmy off guard. Jock pushed him off of his chest and picked him up by the neck and belt loop and tossed him against the wall. At this point Jock was 5’6” and weighed 160lbs.
Jimmy lay on the ground staring at a monster he couldn’t fight. “Father” walked into the room and cracked Jock across the head with a crowbar knocking him unconscious. Jimmy couldn’t look “father” in the eyes for a week after being saved from Jock.
“Fight when I cant see it and you’ll end up in the yard” he had told Jimmy.
The yard was where the ones who died were buried. Jimmy knew this because he had buried most of them. He watched the girl walk into the house and lit another cigarette. Jimmy knew Haley lived with Jock and was likely his girlfriend. He didn’t care. He just knew he had to make sure she didn’t get in the way when it came time to take out Jock.
Jimmy flicked his cigarette into the street and marched towards the house. He watched the girl enter and waited for a few minutes and listened. After a while he got bored and removed a small handgun from his waistband. He walked onto the porch and could see the girl seated at the table with her back to the door. He fired one shot to get Jock’s attention.
The second shot was just for fun.
****
Jock looked a man in the eyes that he knew. The man was a little bit older and more frightening than before. Jock was not afraid of many things. But this man, Jimmy, was someone that Jock spent many nights fearing while he attempted to sleep. Jimmy smiled as he got the reaction he was looking for.
“Hey, crybaby” Jimmy said as he fired a shot hitting Jock in the shoulder. Jimmy fired another shot barely missing. Jock ducked and punched through the door once again aiming low and connecting at Jimmy’s knee. Using those few precious moments Jock rushed over to Haley and defying medical logic moved her onto the floor seconds before two shots hit the table. Jock rushed to the bedroom. “Fight like a man, crybaby!” Jimmy shouted.
Jock tried to figure out what to do next. He mentally ran over a morbid checklist in his head. His sister was shot twice and bleeding to death. A lunatic was at the door. He was trapped in the room with no weapons besides his hands. Jock cared for Haley but was so damaged he felt no love for her as he believed he should. But he knew that she was dying because of him being here. He always knew that he should not live here. No one was safe around him. He looked at Haley who was beginning to bleed more since being moved and made a decision. Jimmy reached through the hole in the door and unlocked it.
Just as the door opened Jock, running at a speed that defied his size, slam his shoulder as hard as he could against it. Jimmy screamed as his arm shattered. Jock grunted and cursed himself for not thinking and using the shoulder that was shot less than a minute ago. Haley moaned lightly which did something inside of Jock. He felt his lips curl into a snarl. His eyes became slits. He grabbed Jimmy’s arm and pulled as hard as he could. Jimmy shouted once again and fired one more shot. His last bullet as far as Jock knew from the handgun being used.
Jock ripped the door from the hinges and threw it to the floor. Jimmy swung with his uninjured arm which was blocked by Jock. He slammed his forehead into Jimmy’s nose causing a fountain of blood to shoot from his nose.
“Why did you find me?” Jock snarled. “I left fair and square. I survived. You should have left me alone.”
“You killed our mother…” Jimmy spat, his lower face covered in blood.
“She was not my mother” Jock replied. He grabbed Jimmy by the throat with his good hand and lifted him off the ground. Jimmy tried to reach for Jock’s face but could not. Jock slammed him onto the ground as hard as he could. There was an audible snap as his vertebrae shattered. He gasped for air and his eyes bulged. Jock stomped on Jimmy’s face repeatedly until his leg was sore. He was not aware of how much time had passed.
Jock walked over to Haley and lifted her from the ground. She was cold to the touch. He was faintly aware of the wound in his shoulder as he stepped over Jimmy who was breathing shallowly on the ground. He would not be moving anytime soon and would be likely if he could ever move his legs again.
“It was supposed…supposed to be me…” Jimmy moaned as he attempted to grab Jock’s leg as he passed. “I was supposed to kill her…and get away.” Jock stopped and looked down at Jimmy. He knew Haley lay dead in his arms. “I was gonna get her eventually you son of a bitch…”
“But you didn’t” Jock said. “Your family took me from mine and you weren’t strong enough to get away. I was. Now you’ve taken the only family I had from me.” Jock walked into the living room and laid Haley’s body on the couch. He could see neighbors gathering in front of the house and sirens approaching. Walking back into Haley’s room he dragged Jimmy into the living room. Sitting down on the couch he retrieved the gun he now wish he had never found. He did not even remember dropping it. “If I used this I would have shot you.” Jimmy did not respond. “I read a lot back then.”
“I know” Jimmy said, trying to keep from fainting as his swollen eyes rolled into the back of his head. “Father said it was the only good thing about you…”
“’Violence, naked force, has settled more issues in history than has any other factor; and the contrary opinion is wishful thinking at its worst. Breeds that forget this basic truth have always paid for it with their lives and their freedoms’” Jock said as he sat on the floor next to Jimmy. He looked over at Haley and tried to smile.
“Who said that?” Jimmy asked. “A philosopher or some shit?”
“Some writer” Jock said as he covered Jimmy’s mouth and nose with his large hands. Jimmy tried feebly to gather enough strength in his arms to move or his legs to kick but he could only elicit small twitches. Jimmy’s eyes bulged as he fought for oxygen. “I tried moving on. I thought I did but sometimes the best thing you can do is be who you really are. You and your family made me a killer. Stop fighting, James. Just let it happen. That’s it. In about seven seconds it’ll all be…”
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