Dante Doesn't Bitch About Esquire Magazine

Scarlett Johansson is a gift. For years she has been around and not once have I ever looked at her and thought she was anything less than a present for humanity for all our years of sacrifice. Even when she was dating stinking old Ryan Reynolds I still couldn't get mad at her. Once again she has been named Esquire Magazine's Sexiest Woman Alive and again I cant disagree. This isn't like that time they made that stank ass Rihanna the sexiest one which made sense on absolutely no level. No. This time they got it right!

So right...

Last year Mila Kunis won and while she is still cute I wouldn't call her the sexiest woman alive. Especially now that she has that Macaulay Culkin (who she dated for nine years!) and Ashton Kutcher stank on her. For anyone that thinks that is immature allow me to reintroduce myself. Hi. My name is Dante and I love red draws on women. Mila will always look like a young girl even when she is 40. But Scarlett gets more womanly (surprisingly that is an actual word!). That leads me to another thing. Bodies.

I read an article today where it talked about all these dumb ass young girls trying to get a gap between their legs. Me, personally, if a woman complains about their thighs rubbing together I do a dance inside that shames all my ancestors. This “thigh gap” thing is something that girls have Tumblr pages about and there's even a WikiHow page about it. Shit has gotten that ridiculous.

Its the end of the world as we know it. REM was right.

When there are chicks starving themselves to literal death they always blame magazines, TV, and how men like their women. Men used to get the big blame and then it floated to magazines and TV. But when you look at who men actually vote for when it comes to the most attractive women they are women who would be considered overweight for their height or whatever scientific bullshit you wanna bring up. Marilyn Monroe and Bettie Paige would be cast as the hot but kinda big girls in movies now.

Drop it, tubby!

The last couple of years people were drooling all over Christina Hendricks. That woman looks amazing and she will never be a size 2 or however bizarre ass measurement you ladies use that five minutes after you explain it to me I forget.

So back to Scarlett. She is awesome. She doesn't get photographed stumbling out of clubs with her skirt around her stomach which is a nice change of pace for a famous chick that has been around since she was a child. But she did have her cell phone hacked and took topless pictures which proves how incredible she is. Seriously. If you've never sent your man topless pictures than you don't know how big your man can smile. So thank you once again Esquire for making a good decision.

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